The Young Girl and the Idiot

Once upon a time, there lived a naïve and very broken young girl.  She let people trample on her, make her feel to blame for the choices they made.  "If only I were not friends with the village idiot, the more respected people of this town would not have abandoned me.  And it was only my insecurity and pride that made me see them that way - in fact, they would not treat me so abominably.  Truly, they are good."

And so she walked on through life, looking up to smile only at the sun, her inconstant friend, and every day tried to interpret the actions of others towards her so she would know her own path.

She thought she'd make new friends.  She started over with people who knew, too, the village idiot and knew the madness and manipulation.  Foolish child: after a time, they gritted their teeth, shrugged their shoulders, and walked away.  The young girl looked around and found herself alone with the idiot.

"You are the best friend I have ever had!" said the village idiot.  "You are so loyal!  But you seemed to want to stay friends with that last person....  Of course, you can do whatever you want.  I'm not your master."

Finally the village idiot joined a social group in town, and the social group could find no good reason to expel the idiot.  The young girl made friends with the group and met a young man who willingly became friends with the village idiot to know the young girl.  In the village idiot's bouts of insanity, the knowledgeable young man stood at the young girl's side.

Enraged with jealousy, the village idiot devised a plan.  Going into town without the young girl, the idiot whined and moaned and spread vicious rumors about the young girl.  The idiot took the confidence of the young girl and twisted it to atrocity.

Distraught, the young girl did her best for the village idiot, thinking this must be some fit of madness.  The village idiot then spoke slander to the young man.  The young man went to the young girl and held her hand.

Finally, the village idiot very calmly spoke to the young girl, taking the tactic many had before.  The idiot shrugged, declared there was nothing more to be done for the young girl, and left her to the wolves.

But the young girl had learned her lesson.  The village idiot had done this to her and her innocence shone through to all who saw her.  She married the wise, knowledgeable young man and retained the friendship of the wise - and though the village idiot never changed, the young girl held her head high above all that came her way.  The village idiot had power over many spirits, but the young girl's spirit was free.

Sherlock and Sociopathic Behavior

Lately, something has been on my mind a lot.  Sociopaths.  Gosh, Sherlock makes it look like so much fun.  I mean, if you watch closely, you notice that John Watson often wants to give it but good to Sherlock, but mostly we laugh and find the highly functioning sociopath highly amusing.

Fortunately for John, Sherlock shows hints of redeeming qualities – occasional compassion and willingness to go to great lengths for his friends.  But if you are caught in a relationship with a sociopath, you might find it a lot less endearing.  You might find it terribly dismantling.

Common traits of a sociopath include:

• Superficial charm.  Did he seem almost too nice to be true?  A sociopath may seem like a very friendly and outgoing person, nothing to be afraid of unless you're an introvert.
• Isolation and manipulation.  The more she feels that you two are close, the more you will lose the ability to do what you want.  And if they're especially good at being a sociopath, you won't even really notice.  They'll say just exactly what needs to be said and hit you where you are most likely to be persuaded.  You may not be able to talk about it with others because no one else will see what you're experiencing.
• Self-centeredness.  They want something.  They have a right to have it.
• Lying.  You won't notice this at first because you know they are lies.  Listen closely.  Stories of their past may not quite add up or may even conflict, and their friends may have an interesting combination of faults.  They may not have a realistic image of themselves and instead cast their faults onto their "friends."
• Lack of guilt.  They will rarely admit to being wrong.  If they were foolish here and there, it's because of something else.  He will say it's because you were acting a certain way or because she dressed a certain way.
• Shallow emotions.  You tell her your sob story and she seem invested and very supportive.  She may tell you to see a counselor and have all kind of comforting phrases, but it's based on "her own experiences" and it usually lacks the tenderness and tack the situation calls for.  Preaching over sincerity.
• Drama queen.  Whether he's playing telephone or just making a big deal out of picking a movie or jumping into a group and forcing them to do what he wants, he lives off of stimulation and excitement.  Something is boring?  Bring a friend to study time and make them watch tons of crass YouTube videos instead.
• Promiscuity and infidelity.  She may be glamorous to the point of tackiness, or hooks up with boys a lot, even if she sternly warns her friends against such men.  She never seems to learn her lesson.

A major concern for a Christian or Catholic community is that the other members will not see him/her as impenetrable, but rather an opportunity to grow in holiness and help a fellow struggling soul.  You have to be careful that you don't give up on everyone with a few flaws, but in my experience, if he seems terribly concerned about you but tells you way more about himself than he knows about you, watch out.  If she is really sweet and heartbroken after a terrible lesson she had to learn, and then goes back to her old ways with the next breath, back away slowly in as inconspicuous a way as possible.  No matter what you do, a sociopath is likely to spread bad news about you, but you've got to get out.  Sociopaths will manipulate you without a conscience.

Once Upon a Time, I Was Emotionally Manipulated

Once upon a time, I met a girl.  She lived across the hall from me in the dormitory, but she was the kind that has a circle of friends as exciting and outgoing as any drama queen or diva could want.  I did my thing and she did hers and although we had two classes together, we hardly ever spoke.

For sanity's sake and maturity's sake and humility's sake, I won't say too much about her specifically.  One day, we began to study together.  That is – we got together to do the tedious homework together.  Soon, we began hanging out more.  We began going to class together.  Very soon, we were "besties."

Christmas Break came and went and we hardly spoke.  Well, she had a job and a whole, complicated social life waiting for her there.  When we got back to school, we picked up again quickly!  We did live just across the hall after all.  Soon enough, people began asking her where I was if she went somewhere alone.  I laughed when she told me, thinking in the back of my mind that no one ever asked me the flipped question – no matter.

I was still trying to find my identity.  At home, after years and years of trying to find a place I belonged, I had locked myself away inside.  All personality and personal identity were gone.  I was what I could be to people, which almost sounds like what they say is important – the difference you make to people.  Whether that measure is true or not, I tried it.

Once upon a time, I was emotionally manipulated.  I thought I would find myself in devotion to her.  Her stronger and constantly up and running personality sometimes drowned me out or tired my own personality.  I prayed – steeled myself and went on.  My weaknesses caused problems.  My lack of wisdom, strength, love was what separated us.  If I was only better, everything would work out.

She was not the only one who has taken advantage of me, nor was she the only one at that very time.  I carefully work on knots in certain threads so they cannot tear me apart again.  If my own personality and assumptions helped to fuel otherwise harmless people, so be it.  They still had a choice.

Finally, someone began to see me as myself.  I was no longer her shadow.  Those others who had tried a similar task had been haughty – seeing it as some kind of duty to help me as one far wiser and higher above me – or had simply and plainly used me.  Some of them were easier to shrug off than others, depending on how much effort I had expended to save the relationship from the terrible twister we were pulled into.  A few girls made an effort to know and want me as an individual separate from her – and to them I am truly grateful.

Finally, someone began to see me as myself.  He actively sought me and wished to know me.  He saw me, and he saw her.  Distinguishing between us was easy for him.  He knew and trusted me.  He didn't criticize me nor fuel me, and he didn't pretend to be wiser and know all and have the solution – he simply listened and agreed when I was right.  I began to realize that what I felt, thought, wanted was important and even valid.

This is not a love story.  There is a love story, and if I were to tell it, it would begin something like that.  But this is not about the incredible man that found me when I wasn't trying to be found, although he had a profound effect on the ending of this story – with help from the example of other friendships I was developing during this time.

I began to realize that what I felt, thought, and wanted were important and even valid.  If I thought something was senseless, I didn't necessarily have to do it just because I was her friend and she wanted to.  If she wanted to do something, she could as well do it herself as needlessly drag me along.  She did not like this new thought, I would imagine.  Who would, after a long period of having a faithful companion?  I had been with her through very thick and very thin, and I had put up with a lot of low moments, and even been willing to go out of my way to give her companionship when I would have been wiser to refuse her, or to lose faith in friends on her behalf.  But friendship does not necessitate this level of dog-loyalty.

With that, I suppose, and the time I put my foot down and remained friends with an "enemy" (and my increasing interest in someone other than herself), she got a little anxious.  If anyone were to ask me what happened between us that we should go from so close to hardly ever speaking seemingly between semesters, I would tell them that they would have to ask her.  It wouldn't be caginess or an attempt to avoid drama, although drama is greatly to be avoided when possible.  I simply cannot say for sure what finally brought it all to an end.  We tried to discuss it a few times – she told me she didn't like how I was acting and how it made her feel.  I apologized and tried to explain that I was not deliberately trying to hurt her – that I was only looking for a little independence.  I don't think it made much difference – I don't think she really listened.

And then she told me that sometimes friends need distance and so she would give me space.  Because it was always me, my fault.

Once upon a time, I was emotionally manipulated.

It is not fun and it can be severely damaging to your mental health.  Your reality becomes twisted.  You can't disprove her ridiculous claims and you can't prove your righteousness.  You begin to question your own reasoning – maybe he's right.  After all, you can't prove he's not.  Your world now revolves around him and his feelings.

Please read the following article.  Without even realizing it, you may be stuck right now.  Or you may be the manipulator.  The key to not being a manipulator is openness to being wrong, to the possibility that you're hurting someone, and remembering that you do not own the rights to another person – thoughts nor feelings nor presence.  If you seem to be in a relentless fight to maintain a healthy relationship and doubt your position in the relationship constantly (and especially if you feel isolated from other people or your other relationships are failing), something is wrong.

Do not mistake yourself.  If you are friends with an emotional manipulator, do not convince yourself that they will change with love and support and a little prayer.  Sadly, you cannot fix them.  They cannot admit the problem, so there is no healing.  You're better off giving them some space and refusing to let them treat you that way.  And if anything, they are better off too.

But if you have been manipulated, remember that they aren't diabolical.  They are lost.  They are broken.  Even though you can't fix them and you should not put up with their behavior, they deserve your compassion.  One person who manipulated me was by all appearances being manipulated by her mother.  Another person who used me was broken and looking for healing.  Forgive and go on as best you can.

As I read the following article, I remembered instances of all eight of these symptoms.  I think my only criticism of the piece is that it sounds bitter and hates the manipulator a little too wholeheartedly: http://theunboundedspirit.com/8-ways-to-protect-yourself-from-emotional-manipulation/

Looking into Households

Franciscan University currently has only one sorority and no fraternities associated with the school.  Instead, the student body is allowed to create within itself small groups called "households."  The website explains:

Households are Spirit empowered, Christ-led groups of three or more Franciscan University students of the same sex who seek to do the will of the Father in their lives. These communities desire to help members grow in body, mind and spirit through mutual support and accountability in the ongoing conversion process exemplified in the life of St. Francis. Through the relationships found in Households, individuals are transformed and develop their capacity to be an evangelizing presence in the University, the Catholic Church and the world.

Ideally, a household is a family that the students can become a part of and always feel welcome and loved.  They are a coming together of likeminded people with similar goals and missions.  The members have common devotions and share spiritual growth.  They make commitments to come together and pray or do service.  The men and women find brothers and sisters respectively that they can count on and turn to.

But of course, there are downsides to household life.  Sometimes you as an individual can acquire a bad reputation just because a fellow household member did something unsavory.  Sometimes a couple breaks up and now you inexplicably find yourself pitted against friends because your household sister's ex is in their household.  A business meeting can go horribly awry, or a fellow household member might suddenly expect you to want to do something you weren't prepared for.

At any rate, if you're looking at households but you're not sure what to look for, here are a few things to consider.

     The Coordinators

Each household has at least one coordinator.  These coordinators are responsible, generally speaking, for pep talks, organizing people and events (such as fundraisers), settling dispute within household, and making sure that the household remains true to itself.  However, coordinators sometimes mistake their personal mission to be the household's mission.  The household's mission does apply to all the members, but sometimes the individual personalities and gifts have their own reflection on this mission.  For example, the coordinator may accidentally misinterpret his/her outgoing nature as a household charism and expect everyone to want to do things the same way he/she does.  They aren't diabolical, and the possibility of it happening shouldn't scare you away, but you have to decide whether you are ready and willing to put up with or contest a coordinator.  But you also have to realize that you have no business attacking a coordinator for trying to do their job and that you have a duty to keep the household united.

    Cliquey

Some households have this problem more than others, and some people don't consider this a problem.  However you view it, some households can seem like an exclusive club from the outside – like members can't be good friends with anyone outside the household and people outside the household can't really be friends with someone in the household – unless it's "charity" or "Christian duty."  Sometimes it's just more like the household takes up so much of your free time that the commitments become the entirety of your social life.  And from my own perspective, households somehow (without meaning to) discourage people from being open with just any old joe they meet in the course of the day.  What I mean is that some people, knowing that they have their household to fall back on, don't go out of their way to be friends with people they run into every day (unless they're trying to attract new people).  If you're looking at households, you may want to identify the households that do this and decide if you are okay with that and if you would be one of those people, or maybe if you could help fix that.

     Intentship

Every household has a different intent process.  When you want to join a household you have to "intent."  What you have to do after that varies – added prayer times, added commitments, scavenger hunts, waiting period.  Find out as much as you can about this process and decide if you're okay with it or not.  If you're not sure you want to do all that stuff, it might be an opportunity for growth.  But don't feel you have to force it.  It might not be worth it to you.  Usually the induction ceremony is a carefully guarded secret.  But I'm pretty sure coordinators will have to tell you if you feel you need to know how comfortable you'll be with that ritual.  (Note: the induction process has to be approved and should not be offensive or questionable.  It may involve affirmations or sharing of life stories, Scripture and blessings, candles, etc..)

     Covenants

Each household has a covenant: "A household’s foundation is a written pledge that expresses the common commitment and spiritual identity of the household. The members of a household refer to this pledge as their household covenant."  The extent to which a household stands by their covenant varies – sometimes semester by semester.  This doesn't have to be a deal breaker, but you should try to observe what kind of significance the covenant plays in the lives of the household members.  Do they involve themselves in ministries?  Do they even know the details of their covenant?  And then decide what significance that has to you.

     Role Models

Whatever the size of the household, I strongly advise that you look for people who can be role models to you and then figure out if they will be around much longer.  If there are wise, levelheaded, and mature members, the household is more likely to grow spiritually and stand by its covenant.  Sometimes the oldest (by membership or age) aren't the spiritual, moral, or emotional leaders in the group.  You decide who you look up to and also see which members tend to be decision makers, which ones tend to be quiet and logical, which ones tend to be opinionated, and which ones tend to be troublemakers or drama queens.  And then figure out how this will relate to you.

     The Household as a Whole

Of course, the household itself – its charisms, its mission, and its presence on campus – are extremely important.  If intercession has a place in your heart and St. Louis de Montfort's consecration doesn't really appeal to you, then that should affect your decision.  But if you then look at the members of a promising household and decide that the current circumstances are not conducive to your spiritual growth or mission, that should weigh on your decision as well.  Of course the thing about households is that they are made up of students who are spending (usually) only about four or five years there, so a household can change with a semester.  New coordinators, new members, new challenges, new blessings.

So if you are looking at households but you're not sure exactly what to look for, keep these six things in mind: the coordinators, the household social life, the intentship, integrity to the covenant, the other members, and how the whole household fits together.

As a note on my own experience and where I stand, I intented and dropped my intentship before I became a member.  In the end, I decided that household life was not what I was looking for.  As I try to further develop and understand my own identity, I did not want my reputation to be wrapped up in the reputation of a household.  I also don't like household drama – intra- and inter-.  I like that households encourage small communities like families, but I have found that they tend to exclude outsiders to some extent (however slight), which I do not like even in the name of fostering the members.  There was more than one reason behind my decision to back out, but I especially want to be able to be open and welcoming as equally as possible to everyone on campus, which I felt would be harder to do if I was associated with a household and their reputation and secrets before I was associated with myself as an individual person.  That is my spiritual mission in life.

That just happens to be what I'm looking for.  But I still think that households can be very good for those who wish for that community and spiritual family.  As you choose one, you may decide that one of my pointers is less important to you than the others, and if that's the case, I have no problem with that.  But if you're still trying to decide what you want from a household, here are some things to think about.

Good luck!  There are a lot of good households to choose from.

A Letter to Singles

I want this post to be personal.  Being single can be so hard, but I'd like to convince you that it's not a big deal.  And I've seen so many people try so hard to get into a relationship or to make a troubled relationship work out.  The truth is that dating, in and of itself, does not guarantee happiness.  So many people have to tiptoe around their partner, or don't trust each other, or don't even spend time together – but hey, at least they have a relationship status!  And in case you didn't hear... even the best relationships have their rough moments.

Some people may feel that what I have to say on this topic is not relevant, because I am now dating.  But to be fair, I have only been dating three months (by the publication of this post), and I was single for a long time before that.  And in some respects, I will still feel single for a good while into the future because I'm studying abroad and my boyfriend isn't.

But I have to consider the other possibility – some may not think what I say is credible because I am still so young and have not been in a relationship long.  To that, all I can say is… well… you can't please everyone.

And anyway, they'd be right.  I don't really know for sure.  I haven't been in a relationship long, even though it is (in my estimation) an incredibly healthy relationship with real potential.  In all honesty, I can't see into the future and say that my sentiments prove true.

Furthermore, I can't say that my single life was at all happy.  Most of my life suffered from extreme loneliness and moodiness.  At college, I began to make friends and my self-esteem and opinion of life got a little better.  But I was still extremely lonely, and I was deeply unhappy.

So to be clear, I am not saying that being single equals happiness.  I'm not even proposing a way to be happy that you're single.  But there are so many materials out there that try to help you through your single life, or to tell you why you are still single, or to give some meaning to it… that I wanted to throw my own two cents in – because I am not fond of the picture they paint.

For one thing – oh! how I hate this one.  This post by "rabidhunter" is an interesting read to look over, although there are many inaccuracies.  But one sentence stood out to me: "First we have to love God completely, fully, and absolutely before He will bring the one He has promised to you."  Don't fall into the trap of thinking that God is holding out on you until He's satisfied with your devotion to Him!  Look around you!  Not to judge, but lots of unholy people get married.  Even atheists find soul mates that they live happily with to the end of their days.  Clearly, God doesn't wait for us to get our hindquarters in gear before He leads us to our intended.  Some people might meet their beloved while prostrate in prayer before the Lord or on a mission trip – but that won't happen to all Christians.  That you don't have a significant other is not because you are not good enough.

What's more you don't have to "love yourself enough to be happy living with yourself alone" or love everyone perfectly.  However much you may have learned to depend on God and live solely for Him, it can still be hard to be alone, it can still be hard to know how to love.  They say to "love as Christ loved us," which ideally is all you need to know.  But it's not every day that you will have the chance to die on a cross for a friend.  It can be hard to know how to love unless we share God's love with people and experience it for ourself.  Some people haven't had enough opportunities to practice, through no fault of their own.  Does that mean they will never find love?  Certainly not.  Love does not wait for you to be perfect.

And please, don't make a list.

So many girls, and not just Christians, make a list of traits they must have in a future spouse.  I have many reasons why I think this is a bad idea but I'll start with perhaps the most potent one: you may not know yourself as well as you think.  Do you think you know what you need better than God does?  So unless the list looks something like this:

• male
• masculine
• not female
• breathing

…you might want to leave the rest up to God.  Even if you have a list of traits that you've found work best with your own personality; even if you've gone over the list with a spiritual director, lots of premeditation, and prayer; even if you had an unusually clear dream of yourself and your husband living together in your dream house – try to leave it up to God.  (And remember, spiritual directors aren't God.  I deeply respect them and you should take their advice seriously, but they can sometimes be misguided.)

Even if you list virtues and describe a very admirable character, you risk getting too caught up in the details and failing to see the real beauty of the man offering himself to you.  He's not going to be perfect.  Despite his best intentions and your reasonably high standards, he may have a tendency that doesn't quite match what you have always insisted on.  You maybe wanted a confident man, but your boyfriend has lots of doubts about himself.  But answer this, does he believe in you?  Is he there for you no matter what?  Is he aware of his unworthiness but wants to keep trying to be a better man so you will never be let down?  That might not be exactly what you had on your list, but it might turn out to be your match after all.

Obviously, I was talking to girls just then, but men, if you've made a list or were thinking of making one, reconsider.

I encourage you to read this post by Mandy at Forte E Bello for more information.  She further explains what you should really be focused on in your search for a spouse.

But besides that, and this next part may especially apply to guys, don't waste yourself.  No one is right for everyone else.  Don't exhaust yourself trying to be the right guy for the wrong girl.  And also, a lot of people have serious baggage – it doesn't have to hold you back.  It doesn't make you less able to love or receive love.  It rather seems to increase that ability if you let it.

I fully believe that your past, your experiences, the good and the bad – they all helped to make you completely unique.  You have something to give that is unlike anything anyone else has.  This is true of everyone.  If God has marriage in your plan, there is someone out there who needs exactly what you have to give, who needs exactly who you are.  You will make someone happy simply because of who you are to her, not just because of what you do for her.  Simply by being yourself and loving her the way you know how to love, you will win her heart.

That doesn't mean we all don't have something to learn about ourselves or about how to love; it doesn't mean that there won't be doubts, that there won't be rough spots; but God has a plan for you, and He's not just sitting around waiting on you.  The date is already set.  And it's blind.

What's more, in the meantime – enjoy being single!  While you're single, enjoy mingling with lots of good people of both sexes.  During my "singlehood," I learned to let them teach me, in the little things, how to better love other people.  And let them teach you, in the little things, how to better accept love from other people.  While you're single, it can be hard to interpret your heart – don't let it run away with the first special gestures of kindness.  Deeply value all of your friends, and enjoy the freedom of being able to hang out with almost anyone without jealousy or commitment.

I'm not trying to encourage a flirty, hookup behavior, but enjoy platonic relationships.  These other relationships are learning experiences.  Each person has a tendency to think a little too well or a little too poorly of people, but meeting lots of different people can really teach you about people and about yourself.  And you can meet some really good people that truly care about you.  Being single doesn't mean you're unloved and unloveable.  Take this opportunity to make good friends.  You'll need them later.  Spend your single life praying to become more of yourself so you are ready to love your other half.

To Be Human

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/badcatholic/2013/12/millennial-misery.html

With people all the more accessible, it is possible to lose oneself in messages and statuses that really mean nothing.  In text messages, the language has evolved to include emoticons, new formatting, and new expressions; but the messages are still largely impersonal.  A personal connection is stronger even in a phone call, because tone and emphasis can be better manipulated; physical presence is even better because body language and an understanding silence can be used.  Body language and, further, physical touch is what makes separation so hard.  And separation can be very hard, but with social media today, separation isn't necessarily true separation.  So do text and social media messages really help to strengthen and deepen relationships?  I have sometimes wondered if social media and text messages haven't rather spoiled relationships by depriving them of separation, of longing and appreciation.

Is this connectedness really bringing us closer?  Is it helping us to understand one another, to love one another?  It may, perhaps, actually be closing some of our doors.  With so little effort necessary and so many people to chose from, I think we may have lost our empathy, our desire to try to really connect on a deeper personal level with the people we are with in the moment – which leaves us and everyone around us feeling very empty and alone.  And silly, meaningless little messages can be sent off effortlessly to people we love, without much personal investment.

I'm not the least bit against social media but I do think it should be used almost as a supplement, rather than the norm for connecting with people, especially for connecting with people you could see every day but don't (like classmates or friends in town).

Food for thought, and something, I'm sure, we could all reflect on in the coming year.

Life Lessons on Life's Lane

"Faithless is he who says farewell when the road darkens," said Gimli.

If there is only one thing in this world that I leave my mark on when I die, I hope it is friendship.  Friendship – that painful, powerful thing that can strengthen a fortress or break a soul.  It stems from love, from loyalty, from duty and dedication.  Friendship can be a smile, no matter the weather, or it can be breaking your back to bear heavy burdens.

I think dying for one is more important than living for many.

But perhaps I'm a fool.

Friendship is tight, close bonds that no one and nothing can break.  Friendship is listening for five minutes to someone on the bus or on the sidewalk – someone in the hallway, the lunchroom, the supermarket.  Friendship is wishing the good of another; it is hoping beyond rumors.  It is love and it is loyalty to man – but not as a collective group; for there, friendship is not relevant.  Friendship is relevant on the personal, individual level.  Where the person is involved, rather than the people, friendship is everything.  Or nothing.  It either is… or it isn't.  Friendship isn't "here one day, not so much the next."  That is not selflessness, which is the essence of friendship.

"Maybe," said Elrond, "but let him not vow to walk in the dark, who has not seen the nightfall."

Friendship says this: "I will walk the path of life with you, no matter what is waiting there."  It does not say, "I shall fight all thy battles whilst thou rest thy golden head upon thy silken pillow."  That is not inherently found in the meaning of friendship.  It does not say, "I will go wheresoever you will go," for there are many decisions that we cannot make but which are made by others.  Friendship does say, "Wherever you go, whatever you do – I am here to give what grace God has through me to give you."

Life is a walk we must all take; why ignore the other travelers?  If even one person does not glean wisdom from the other hikers and share what supplies he has, the journey will be hindered.  If everyone on the path gave everything they had to helping each other along, each person would have the chance to get the most out of the journey.

In one sense, abandonment of our fellow man is impossible, save through death.  Even though limitations, weaknesses, and obstacles may vary per traveler, the goal is the same – happiness and peace in this life and the next.  What is there to gain from keeping your resources to yourself?  That only makes the journey that much lonelier, that much harder.

Nightfall will come; may as well vow to walk in the dark.  "Yet sworn word may strengthen quaking heart."

Speaking practically:

Of course, you must chose your friends carefully.  I have heard this wisdom many times.  But there are very few legitimate reasons to actually avoid a certain person.  Whenever you decide to keep your life utterly separate from someone else's life, you ought to have exhausted every other healthy possibility in which you can give of yourself for them.  If all that fails, you still have prayer.

Pray.  Pray that they find happiness.  Pray that they find God and grow in holiness.  Pray that they are granted every grace, including knowledge of God's will.  But I strongly caution against specifically praying that a person change their mind or behavior.  Sometimes, you may be right (such as for abortion or drugs or suicide).  But other times, all you're really doing is fueling your pride: "God, Bobby Joe is convinced that he must do this ministry.  It's going to take a lot of his time and really stress him out.  He's already doing so much, and he seems to take ministry more seriously than his relationships.  I just pray that you turn his head around and show him the way."  The problem here is that, even if you know Bobby Joe inside and out, you may still be wrong about the situation.  Remember that you are not the one calling the shots.  Pray God's will be done; pray that Bobby Joe know God's love and wisdom in all he does.

Setting boundaries is sometimes necessary.

But always, always you should ask, "What does God want me to do for this person?  What grace has God given me that can help this person?"

And what lessons does this person have for you?