Love Life Advice from Medicus Cur

[Guest post from Medicus Cur!]

In a world where words of love are freely given how often do they have meaning behind them? Today's Western culture has become a society in which the phrase "I love you" is tossed out casually and often takes meanings other than the one originally intended. How can we know what "true love" is in this society of cheap words and purchased affections?  In order to love properly and be able to discern whether or not what we feel is actually love we should know what it really is to love.  

Some of you may already know that the Ancient Greeks had several different words for love with each describing a particular kind of relationship between the lover and the beloved. We will briefly discuss five basic kinds of love according to the Greeks. First is agape, meaning a pure, ideal type of love. Secondly, we have eros which is a passionate love expressing a sensual desire. Thirdly, there is philia, a dispassionate virtuous love requiring virtue, familiarity, and equality. Fourthly, storge, a natural affectionate love such as that felt by parents for their progeny. Finally, xenia, a hospitable love expressed between a host and his guests. Whew, kind of a lot to digest but let us see what we can learn from it anyway. One thing to note in all of these example is that there is an element of selflessness. Love cannot exist where there is selfishness. In philosophy we arrive at the conclusion that love must be an act of a being that possesses a consciousness. Also we can reason that there must be an object perceived by the consciousness that receives the love. We do not think "love occurs" instead we think "I love", this is necessary because of the relationship between consciousness and action. The recognition that love necessarily involves another is why in the Summa Theolgia, St. Thomas Aquinas defines love as this, "To love is to will the good of another". Each one of the Greek forms wills the good and well-being of another person and thus can be defined as love. 

That is all well and good but what exactly does it mean to "will the good"? Does it mean that you want your beloved to be healthy, eat right, exercise and all of that stuff? Well, yes, but not just that.  If you have ever read Luke 18:19 you should know, "'Why do you call me good?' Jesus asked him. 'Only God is truly good.'" Only God is truly good is a pretty absolute statement. If you will the good of another through love then you are willing God upon them. The only way to achieve that good, THE Good, is through attaining salvation. Love is a constant pursuit of the salvation for the beloved. This pursuit can come in many different forms whether it is going to Mass together on a regular basis, praying together, or even just being a good role model in faith, morality, and integrity. To love perfectly is impossible except through the grace of the Holy Spirit which brings me to a serious knowledge bomb.

"Whoever does not know love does not know God, for God is love." 1 John 4:8

Well isn't that a little funny. We just got done saying that to will the good of another is to will communion with God but now I am saying that we cannot know love outside of God. Here comes the fun part. Take the last three words of that verse, "God is love", and now break it into individual words. Each of those words is associated with a person of the Holy Trinity. "God", this is God the Father, the one who you probably think of when you think of "God". Next we have the word "is" representing the person of Jesus Christ. Jesus came down to Earth taking the form of man and "became flesh". He took corporeal form that we, being the mortal, corporeal beings that we are, might know Him more perfectly and so that he might die for our salvation. There is that salvation word again. If God sent his Son to die for our salvation then it could certainly be said that he wills our good. God therefore must love us. Now we come to the final word, "love". The word "love" embodies the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the helper given to us by God, promised by Christ, in order to help us achieve salvation. God quite literally gave his love to us. Jesus died so that the path to salvation might become open but it is only through the workings of the Holy Spirit that we can arrive at the destination of eternal communion with God. 

So what does this all mean in terms of romantic love? That is just the thing, it all relates. The love of the Cross is the same as the love of the child and the same as the love a husband should have for his wife. If you truly love somebody it does not matter if it is "romantic" love, "filial" love, or any other sort of love. Lovers will always desire the good of the beloved. True, all forms of love have different means of expression and different physiological sensations associated with them but the essence and source of the love is the same. 

Now comes the question. Do you love your significant other? That is up to you to determine. I cannot tell you whether or not you are in love, only you can decide that. No matter how loved or unloved you feel, know this, you are loved by God in a way greater than you or I can hope to explain or understand.

Check out Medicus Cur's blog on wordpress!

A Letter to Singles

I want this post to be personal.  Being single can be so hard, but I'd like to convince you that it's not a big deal.  And I've seen so many people try so hard to get into a relationship or to make a troubled relationship work out.  The truth is that dating, in and of itself, does not guarantee happiness.  So many people have to tiptoe around their partner, or don't trust each other, or don't even spend time together – but hey, at least they have a relationship status!  And in case you didn't hear... even the best relationships have their rough moments.

Some people may feel that what I have to say on this topic is not relevant, because I am now dating.  But to be fair, I have only been dating three months (by the publication of this post), and I was single for a long time before that.  And in some respects, I will still feel single for a good while into the future because I'm studying abroad and my boyfriend isn't.

But I have to consider the other possibility – some may not think what I say is credible because I am still so young and have not been in a relationship long.  To that, all I can say is… well… you can't please everyone.

And anyway, they'd be right.  I don't really know for sure.  I haven't been in a relationship long, even though it is (in my estimation) an incredibly healthy relationship with real potential.  In all honesty, I can't see into the future and say that my sentiments prove true.

Furthermore, I can't say that my single life was at all happy.  Most of my life suffered from extreme loneliness and moodiness.  At college, I began to make friends and my self-esteem and opinion of life got a little better.  But I was still extremely lonely, and I was deeply unhappy.

So to be clear, I am not saying that being single equals happiness.  I'm not even proposing a way to be happy that you're single.  But there are so many materials out there that try to help you through your single life, or to tell you why you are still single, or to give some meaning to it… that I wanted to throw my own two cents in – because I am not fond of the picture they paint.

For one thing – oh! how I hate this one.  This post by "rabidhunter" is an interesting read to look over, although there are many inaccuracies.  But one sentence stood out to me: "First we have to love God completely, fully, and absolutely before He will bring the one He has promised to you."  Don't fall into the trap of thinking that God is holding out on you until He's satisfied with your devotion to Him!  Look around you!  Not to judge, but lots of unholy people get married.  Even atheists find soul mates that they live happily with to the end of their days.  Clearly, God doesn't wait for us to get our hindquarters in gear before He leads us to our intended.  Some people might meet their beloved while prostrate in prayer before the Lord or on a mission trip – but that won't happen to all Christians.  That you don't have a significant other is not because you are not good enough.

What's more you don't have to "love yourself enough to be happy living with yourself alone" or love everyone perfectly.  However much you may have learned to depend on God and live solely for Him, it can still be hard to be alone, it can still be hard to know how to love.  They say to "love as Christ loved us," which ideally is all you need to know.  But it's not every day that you will have the chance to die on a cross for a friend.  It can be hard to know how to love unless we share God's love with people and experience it for ourself.  Some people haven't had enough opportunities to practice, through no fault of their own.  Does that mean they will never find love?  Certainly not.  Love does not wait for you to be perfect.

And please, don't make a list.

So many girls, and not just Christians, make a list of traits they must have in a future spouse.  I have many reasons why I think this is a bad idea but I'll start with perhaps the most potent one: you may not know yourself as well as you think.  Do you think you know what you need better than God does?  So unless the list looks something like this:

• male
• masculine
• not female
• breathing

…you might want to leave the rest up to God.  Even if you have a list of traits that you've found work best with your own personality; even if you've gone over the list with a spiritual director, lots of premeditation, and prayer; even if you had an unusually clear dream of yourself and your husband living together in your dream house – try to leave it up to God.  (And remember, spiritual directors aren't God.  I deeply respect them and you should take their advice seriously, but they can sometimes be misguided.)

Even if you list virtues and describe a very admirable character, you risk getting too caught up in the details and failing to see the real beauty of the man offering himself to you.  He's not going to be perfect.  Despite his best intentions and your reasonably high standards, he may have a tendency that doesn't quite match what you have always insisted on.  You maybe wanted a confident man, but your boyfriend has lots of doubts about himself.  But answer this, does he believe in you?  Is he there for you no matter what?  Is he aware of his unworthiness but wants to keep trying to be a better man so you will never be let down?  That might not be exactly what you had on your list, but it might turn out to be your match after all.

Obviously, I was talking to girls just then, but men, if you've made a list or were thinking of making one, reconsider.

I encourage you to read this post by Mandy at Forte E Bello for more information.  She further explains what you should really be focused on in your search for a spouse.

But besides that, and this next part may especially apply to guys, don't waste yourself.  No one is right for everyone else.  Don't exhaust yourself trying to be the right guy for the wrong girl.  And also, a lot of people have serious baggage – it doesn't have to hold you back.  It doesn't make you less able to love or receive love.  It rather seems to increase that ability if you let it.

I fully believe that your past, your experiences, the good and the bad – they all helped to make you completely unique.  You have something to give that is unlike anything anyone else has.  This is true of everyone.  If God has marriage in your plan, there is someone out there who needs exactly what you have to give, who needs exactly who you are.  You will make someone happy simply because of who you are to her, not just because of what you do for her.  Simply by being yourself and loving her the way you know how to love, you will win her heart.

That doesn't mean we all don't have something to learn about ourselves or about how to love; it doesn't mean that there won't be doubts, that there won't be rough spots; but God has a plan for you, and He's not just sitting around waiting on you.  The date is already set.  And it's blind.

What's more, in the meantime – enjoy being single!  While you're single, enjoy mingling with lots of good people of both sexes.  During my "singlehood," I learned to let them teach me, in the little things, how to better love other people.  And let them teach you, in the little things, how to better accept love from other people.  While you're single, it can be hard to interpret your heart – don't let it run away with the first special gestures of kindness.  Deeply value all of your friends, and enjoy the freedom of being able to hang out with almost anyone without jealousy or commitment.

I'm not trying to encourage a flirty, hookup behavior, but enjoy platonic relationships.  These other relationships are learning experiences.  Each person has a tendency to think a little too well or a little too poorly of people, but meeting lots of different people can really teach you about people and about yourself.  And you can meet some really good people that truly care about you.  Being single doesn't mean you're unloved and unloveable.  Take this opportunity to make good friends.  You'll need them later.  Spend your single life praying to become more of yourself so you are ready to love your other half.

Dignity in the Skin, part II

(Click here for part one.)

What many people get hung up on is how much skin a bikini shows.  Often times, they will say that the skin damages a person's dignity, that is is inappropriate, or that it is provocative.  All seemingly valid arguments.

What isn't taken into consideration is how dress codes have changed over the years.  Much of what we wear in America these days would not be up to standards one hundred years ago.  What is commonplace was not always commonplace.  Rev. Thomas J. Higgins, S.J. says in Man as Man, "Social custom may change a proximate occasion of sin into a remote occasion.  The ordinary man now is not lasciviously affected by women wearing shorts.  People have become accustomed to them.  In 1905 such dress would have been a proximate occasion of sin."  The styles of swimsuits have changed to suit their purpose.  Bikinis are not designed for swimming laps.  Speedos are not designed for sunbathing.  For many, bikini's are the most comfortable option for the goal of dressing light in the sun on the beach, maybe getting a little wet.  But to some, the midriff is a "sexual" area.  It doesn't have to be.  In our culture, more and more skin is being exposed, and to some extent, it can be inappropriate.  But do you know what you would be wearing right now if we had never changed our fashion ideas?

If we assume for the moment that bikinis are modest, are they always appropriate?  No.  Bikinis are common on the beach.  They are expected and wouldn't make most people think twice.  Wearing a bikini into a bar or to window shop or to attend a sports event is not so expected, normal, or appropriate.

If we assume for the moment that bikinis are not inherently immodest, are all bikinis appropriate attire at the beach.  This is "wear" it gets a little tricky.  Some bikinis don't leave much room for complaint: 

The swimsuit in the above photo doesn't show off a whole lot.  But some bikinis have so little material that you'd have to organize the complaints by column and row.

But regardless of what we decide is appropriate to wear around other people in a certain situation: "This discussion will always come down to a heart issue. God knows our hearts and intentions. If our intentions are to draw attention from guys and men, head back to the changing room. We can say whatever we want, but our intentions in wearing what we wear speak volumes" (Rachel Lee Carter at Modeling Christ).  What that doesn't mean is that anything is appropriate as long as our heart is in the right place.  But what it does mean is that modesty isn't a dress code.  A dress code dictates what attire is appropriate, such as at the work place or at a school.  Modesty has more to do with when you're reeeeally pushing the dress code rules in order to show off your body in, well, an inappropriate manner.  Especially as a Christian (but a universal truth), it is not appropriate to use your own body as an object.  You should not purposely try to arouse others.  It is pleasurable, but creates a lot of unhappiness.

Sometimes what seems appropriate isn't immodest, and sometimes it is.  Because modesty has to do with intentions!  That's the whole point.  Now, charity includes being concerned about what arouses others.  So even if you are not dressing to draw eyes and quicken heartbeats, it is courteous and even your duty to be aware of your society and culture.  And as a point, if you are going into circumstances where people usually dress such a way in order to get certain attention – just because you're going there, doesn't mean it is perfectly alright to do what everyone else is doing.  You may want to dress a little differently if fitting in with the crowd means that you aren't respected.  (But depending, you may need to question the wisdom of going into this situation in the first place.)

And yes, behavior can be modest or immodest.  I don't think I need to go into too much detail explaining this, but since immodesty is (in my own clumsy wording) the intentional attempts to arouse, inappropriate behavior can be immodest.  By dictionary definition, someone who is immodest lacks humility or decency.

Let’s make a commitment this summer to ditch the skimpy swimsuits, earn self respect, and help our brothers in Christ.  –Rachel Clark

I realize that no one really wants to think about swimsuits in February (at least not where I'm from) – and I'm not saying that everyone must love it and buy it and wear it for every occasion – but I propose a slightly altered commitment for your consideration until the hot weather returns:

Anything skimpy that makes you feel dirty – don't buy it.  Realize that your body, your skin can never rob you of your dignity, but that how you view your own body can effect how you are treated by others – and can affect your happiness.  And ladies, never stop loving and respecting men.  They need it as much as you do.

However you stand on the bikini, I ask you to pause and reflect on this issue.  I think this little known view of modesty satisfies far more confusion than the common responses many girls have been fed.

February

Currently "Our Hearts Unhindered" is in the middle of reconsidering the bikini, which will resume on Thursday.  But it's the first of February!  A whole new month to wonder in.

February in the Roman Catholic Church is devoted to the Holy Family.  The Holy Family is often held up before Catholics as the perfect example of piety, humility, obedience, and family life.  It is hard to know what that means since so little is actually said about them in the Gospels.  Fortunately, we do not have to know the details because we are allowed to pray to them for enlightenment and guidance.

But there are a few clues to help us out.  For example, there is only one story of Jesus' childhood after the Nativity story, and what was the holy family doing then?  They were traveling to the holy city for an important religious feast.  That this is the only story indicates that the holy family most likely spent Jesus' childhood quietly and commonly – just making their little difference in the world.  They probably just lived a simple life, helping their community and dealing temperately with misfortune.  They were essentially nobodies, but they lived.  And they were also pious and devoted.  The one big story of Jesus' childhood tells of the family traveling all together to Jerusalem for the Passover.  Their religion was a family matter, and an important matter.

The feast of the Presentation of Jesus in the temple – kind of like his baptism – is on the 2nd of February.  It would have been a significant day to Joseph and Mary.  Jesus had been born just a short time ago, and then here in the temple, as if to remind Mary and Joseph of their great privilege and responsibility, two wise pious people recognized their small child as the promised Messiah and proclaimed his greatness.  (It is also on this day that the Church traditionally blesses candles.)

Saint Blaise is a popular feast, set on the third of the month.  The candles that were blessed the day before are now used to bless throats, based on the tradition that Blaise once healed a boy with a fish bone stuck in his throat.  He is also said to have healed wild animals while he hid from persecution, and even talked to them.

The feast day of Saint Agatha seems to especially speak to me this year for some reason.  Not much is factually known about her, but by tradition, she dedicated herself to God and would not marry.  For this reason, a man had her arrested for being Christian, but when she didn't submit to him, he imprisoned her in a brothel and then in prison, where she was tortured.  Supposedly, among the torture, her breasts were cut off, so she is often depicted carrying her breasts on a plate.  She is the patron of some obscure things, some of which can only be speculated about.  These include bread, bell makers, and against the outbreak of fire.  I would strongly encourage looking into the tales about her.

Our Lady of Lourdes is remembered on the 11th of this month.  This miraculous appearance to dear Bernadette is one of my favorites of the Marian apparitions.  Bernadette was so simple and humble, and I love to hear her story.

Of course, everyone is familiar with Valentines Day.  Some Catholics and even Christians will insist on calling it St. Valentines day.  But the usual celebration of this day has little to do with the saint himself.  It is believed that in England and France, the day came to be regarded as a special day for lovers because the middle of the month is when the birds come out again (supposedly to mate).  Not much is known about any of the actually three St. Valentines who share this day.

But the day is also dedicated to saints Cyril and Methodius.

February 22nd is the feast of the Chair of Saint Peter.  The focus of this feast is what truly sets Catholicism apart from all other religions, especially other Christian sects.  Not only does the Catholic Church have a spiritual father, the pope's powers have been directly passed down from Peter.  But besides being a continuation of the church found in the Gospels and epistles, Peter has the infallibility of the Holy Spirit.  He alone has the privilege to teach about the dogmas without error.  This responsibility is not taken lightly, even though many popes have been corrupt.  Never once has dogma been changed or altered, even when it would have justified the corruption of the holy father.

February is a short month – which I've heard is because the Romans hated it so much and days were subtracted and added to other months.  I'm going to use it to refocus on the wonder and beauty of the world, and rediscover my devotion, especially in light of the Holy Family.

http://www.catholictradition.org/Saints/feast-days.htm