A Letter to Singles

I want this post to be personal.  Being single can be so hard, but I'd like to convince you that it's not a big deal.  And I've seen so many people try so hard to get into a relationship or to make a troubled relationship work out.  The truth is that dating, in and of itself, does not guarantee happiness.  So many people have to tiptoe around their partner, or don't trust each other, or don't even spend time together – but hey, at least they have a relationship status!  And in case you didn't hear... even the best relationships have their rough moments.

Some people may feel that what I have to say on this topic is not relevant, because I am now dating.  But to be fair, I have only been dating three months (by the publication of this post), and I was single for a long time before that.  And in some respects, I will still feel single for a good while into the future because I'm studying abroad and my boyfriend isn't.

But I have to consider the other possibility – some may not think what I say is credible because I am still so young and have not been in a relationship long.  To that, all I can say is… well… you can't please everyone.

And anyway, they'd be right.  I don't really know for sure.  I haven't been in a relationship long, even though it is (in my estimation) an incredibly healthy relationship with real potential.  In all honesty, I can't see into the future and say that my sentiments prove true.

Furthermore, I can't say that my single life was at all happy.  Most of my life suffered from extreme loneliness and moodiness.  At college, I began to make friends and my self-esteem and opinion of life got a little better.  But I was still extremely lonely, and I was deeply unhappy.

So to be clear, I am not saying that being single equals happiness.  I'm not even proposing a way to be happy that you're single.  But there are so many materials out there that try to help you through your single life, or to tell you why you are still single, or to give some meaning to it… that I wanted to throw my own two cents in – because I am not fond of the picture they paint.

For one thing – oh! how I hate this one.  This post by "rabidhunter" is an interesting read to look over, although there are many inaccuracies.  But one sentence stood out to me: "First we have to love God completely, fully, and absolutely before He will bring the one He has promised to you."  Don't fall into the trap of thinking that God is holding out on you until He's satisfied with your devotion to Him!  Look around you!  Not to judge, but lots of unholy people get married.  Even atheists find soul mates that they live happily with to the end of their days.  Clearly, God doesn't wait for us to get our hindquarters in gear before He leads us to our intended.  Some people might meet their beloved while prostrate in prayer before the Lord or on a mission trip – but that won't happen to all Christians.  That you don't have a significant other is not because you are not good enough.

What's more you don't have to "love yourself enough to be happy living with yourself alone" or love everyone perfectly.  However much you may have learned to depend on God and live solely for Him, it can still be hard to be alone, it can still be hard to know how to love.  They say to "love as Christ loved us," which ideally is all you need to know.  But it's not every day that you will have the chance to die on a cross for a friend.  It can be hard to know how to love unless we share God's love with people and experience it for ourself.  Some people haven't had enough opportunities to practice, through no fault of their own.  Does that mean they will never find love?  Certainly not.  Love does not wait for you to be perfect.

And please, don't make a list.

So many girls, and not just Christians, make a list of traits they must have in a future spouse.  I have many reasons why I think this is a bad idea but I'll start with perhaps the most potent one: you may not know yourself as well as you think.  Do you think you know what you need better than God does?  So unless the list looks something like this:

• male
• masculine
• not female
• breathing

…you might want to leave the rest up to God.  Even if you have a list of traits that you've found work best with your own personality; even if you've gone over the list with a spiritual director, lots of premeditation, and prayer; even if you had an unusually clear dream of yourself and your husband living together in your dream house – try to leave it up to God.  (And remember, spiritual directors aren't God.  I deeply respect them and you should take their advice seriously, but they can sometimes be misguided.)

Even if you list virtues and describe a very admirable character, you risk getting too caught up in the details and failing to see the real beauty of the man offering himself to you.  He's not going to be perfect.  Despite his best intentions and your reasonably high standards, he may have a tendency that doesn't quite match what you have always insisted on.  You maybe wanted a confident man, but your boyfriend has lots of doubts about himself.  But answer this, does he believe in you?  Is he there for you no matter what?  Is he aware of his unworthiness but wants to keep trying to be a better man so you will never be let down?  That might not be exactly what you had on your list, but it might turn out to be your match after all.

Obviously, I was talking to girls just then, but men, if you've made a list or were thinking of making one, reconsider.

I encourage you to read this post by Mandy at Forte E Bello for more information.  She further explains what you should really be focused on in your search for a spouse.

But besides that, and this next part may especially apply to guys, don't waste yourself.  No one is right for everyone else.  Don't exhaust yourself trying to be the right guy for the wrong girl.  And also, a lot of people have serious baggage – it doesn't have to hold you back.  It doesn't make you less able to love or receive love.  It rather seems to increase that ability if you let it.

I fully believe that your past, your experiences, the good and the bad – they all helped to make you completely unique.  You have something to give that is unlike anything anyone else has.  This is true of everyone.  If God has marriage in your plan, there is someone out there who needs exactly what you have to give, who needs exactly who you are.  You will make someone happy simply because of who you are to her, not just because of what you do for her.  Simply by being yourself and loving her the way you know how to love, you will win her heart.

That doesn't mean we all don't have something to learn about ourselves or about how to love; it doesn't mean that there won't be doubts, that there won't be rough spots; but God has a plan for you, and He's not just sitting around waiting on you.  The date is already set.  And it's blind.

What's more, in the meantime – enjoy being single!  While you're single, enjoy mingling with lots of good people of both sexes.  During my "singlehood," I learned to let them teach me, in the little things, how to better love other people.  And let them teach you, in the little things, how to better accept love from other people.  While you're single, it can be hard to interpret your heart – don't let it run away with the first special gestures of kindness.  Deeply value all of your friends, and enjoy the freedom of being able to hang out with almost anyone without jealousy or commitment.

I'm not trying to encourage a flirty, hookup behavior, but enjoy platonic relationships.  These other relationships are learning experiences.  Each person has a tendency to think a little too well or a little too poorly of people, but meeting lots of different people can really teach you about people and about yourself.  And you can meet some really good people that truly care about you.  Being single doesn't mean you're unloved and unloveable.  Take this opportunity to make good friends.  You'll need them later.  Spend your single life praying to become more of yourself so you are ready to love your other half.