The Young Girl and the Idiot

Once upon a time, there lived a naïve and very broken young girl.  She let people trample on her, make her feel to blame for the choices they made.  "If only I were not friends with the village idiot, the more respected people of this town would not have abandoned me.  And it was only my insecurity and pride that made me see them that way - in fact, they would not treat me so abominably.  Truly, they are good."

And so she walked on through life, looking up to smile only at the sun, her inconstant friend, and every day tried to interpret the actions of others towards her so she would know her own path.

She thought she'd make new friends.  She started over with people who knew, too, the village idiot and knew the madness and manipulation.  Foolish child: after a time, they gritted their teeth, shrugged their shoulders, and walked away.  The young girl looked around and found herself alone with the idiot.

"You are the best friend I have ever had!" said the village idiot.  "You are so loyal!  But you seemed to want to stay friends with that last person....  Of course, you can do whatever you want.  I'm not your master."

Finally the village idiot joined a social group in town, and the social group could find no good reason to expel the idiot.  The young girl made friends with the group and met a young man who willingly became friends with the village idiot to know the young girl.  In the village idiot's bouts of insanity, the knowledgeable young man stood at the young girl's side.

Enraged with jealousy, the village idiot devised a plan.  Going into town without the young girl, the idiot whined and moaned and spread vicious rumors about the young girl.  The idiot took the confidence of the young girl and twisted it to atrocity.

Distraught, the young girl did her best for the village idiot, thinking this must be some fit of madness.  The village idiot then spoke slander to the young man.  The young man went to the young girl and held her hand.

Finally, the village idiot very calmly spoke to the young girl, taking the tactic many had before.  The idiot shrugged, declared there was nothing more to be done for the young girl, and left her to the wolves.

But the young girl had learned her lesson.  The village idiot had done this to her and her innocence shone through to all who saw her.  She married the wise, knowledgeable young man and retained the friendship of the wise - and though the village idiot never changed, the young girl held her head high above all that came her way.  The village idiot had power over many spirits, but the young girl's spirit was free.

Sherlock and Sociopathic Behavior

Lately, something has been on my mind a lot.  Sociopaths.  Gosh, Sherlock makes it look like so much fun.  I mean, if you watch closely, you notice that John Watson often wants to give it but good to Sherlock, but mostly we laugh and find the highly functioning sociopath highly amusing.

Fortunately for John, Sherlock shows hints of redeeming qualities – occasional compassion and willingness to go to great lengths for his friends.  But if you are caught in a relationship with a sociopath, you might find it a lot less endearing.  You might find it terribly dismantling.

Common traits of a sociopath include:

• Superficial charm.  Did he seem almost too nice to be true?  A sociopath may seem like a very friendly and outgoing person, nothing to be afraid of unless you're an introvert.
• Isolation and manipulation.  The more she feels that you two are close, the more you will lose the ability to do what you want.  And if they're especially good at being a sociopath, you won't even really notice.  They'll say just exactly what needs to be said and hit you where you are most likely to be persuaded.  You may not be able to talk about it with others because no one else will see what you're experiencing.
• Self-centeredness.  They want something.  They have a right to have it.
• Lying.  You won't notice this at first because you know they are lies.  Listen closely.  Stories of their past may not quite add up or may even conflict, and their friends may have an interesting combination of faults.  They may not have a realistic image of themselves and instead cast their faults onto their "friends."
• Lack of guilt.  They will rarely admit to being wrong.  If they were foolish here and there, it's because of something else.  He will say it's because you were acting a certain way or because she dressed a certain way.
• Shallow emotions.  You tell her your sob story and she seem invested and very supportive.  She may tell you to see a counselor and have all kind of comforting phrases, but it's based on "her own experiences" and it usually lacks the tenderness and tack the situation calls for.  Preaching over sincerity.
• Drama queen.  Whether he's playing telephone or just making a big deal out of picking a movie or jumping into a group and forcing them to do what he wants, he lives off of stimulation and excitement.  Something is boring?  Bring a friend to study time and make them watch tons of crass YouTube videos instead.
• Promiscuity and infidelity.  She may be glamorous to the point of tackiness, or hooks up with boys a lot, even if she sternly warns her friends against such men.  She never seems to learn her lesson.

A major concern for a Christian or Catholic community is that the other members will not see him/her as impenetrable, but rather an opportunity to grow in holiness and help a fellow struggling soul.  You have to be careful that you don't give up on everyone with a few flaws, but in my experience, if he seems terribly concerned about you but tells you way more about himself than he knows about you, watch out.  If she is really sweet and heartbroken after a terrible lesson she had to learn, and then goes back to her old ways with the next breath, back away slowly in as inconspicuous a way as possible.  No matter what you do, a sociopath is likely to spread bad news about you, but you've got to get out.  Sociopaths will manipulate you without a conscience.

Once Upon a Time, I Was Emotionally Manipulated

Once upon a time, I met a girl.  She lived across the hall from me in the dormitory, but she was the kind that has a circle of friends as exciting and outgoing as any drama queen or diva could want.  I did my thing and she did hers and although we had two classes together, we hardly ever spoke.

For sanity's sake and maturity's sake and humility's sake, I won't say too much about her specifically.  One day, we began to study together.  That is – we got together to do the tedious homework together.  Soon, we began hanging out more.  We began going to class together.  Very soon, we were "besties."

Christmas Break came and went and we hardly spoke.  Well, she had a job and a whole, complicated social life waiting for her there.  When we got back to school, we picked up again quickly!  We did live just across the hall after all.  Soon enough, people began asking her where I was if she went somewhere alone.  I laughed when she told me, thinking in the back of my mind that no one ever asked me the flipped question – no matter.

I was still trying to find my identity.  At home, after years and years of trying to find a place I belonged, I had locked myself away inside.  All personality and personal identity were gone.  I was what I could be to people, which almost sounds like what they say is important – the difference you make to people.  Whether that measure is true or not, I tried it.

Once upon a time, I was emotionally manipulated.  I thought I would find myself in devotion to her.  Her stronger and constantly up and running personality sometimes drowned me out or tired my own personality.  I prayed – steeled myself and went on.  My weaknesses caused problems.  My lack of wisdom, strength, love was what separated us.  If I was only better, everything would work out.

She was not the only one who has taken advantage of me, nor was she the only one at that very time.  I carefully work on knots in certain threads so they cannot tear me apart again.  If my own personality and assumptions helped to fuel otherwise harmless people, so be it.  They still had a choice.

Finally, someone began to see me as myself.  I was no longer her shadow.  Those others who had tried a similar task had been haughty – seeing it as some kind of duty to help me as one far wiser and higher above me – or had simply and plainly used me.  Some of them were easier to shrug off than others, depending on how much effort I had expended to save the relationship from the terrible twister we were pulled into.  A few girls made an effort to know and want me as an individual separate from her – and to them I am truly grateful.

Finally, someone began to see me as myself.  He actively sought me and wished to know me.  He saw me, and he saw her.  Distinguishing between us was easy for him.  He knew and trusted me.  He didn't criticize me nor fuel me, and he didn't pretend to be wiser and know all and have the solution – he simply listened and agreed when I was right.  I began to realize that what I felt, thought, wanted was important and even valid.

This is not a love story.  There is a love story, and if I were to tell it, it would begin something like that.  But this is not about the incredible man that found me when I wasn't trying to be found, although he had a profound effect on the ending of this story – with help from the example of other friendships I was developing during this time.

I began to realize that what I felt, thought, and wanted were important and even valid.  If I thought something was senseless, I didn't necessarily have to do it just because I was her friend and she wanted to.  If she wanted to do something, she could as well do it herself as needlessly drag me along.  She did not like this new thought, I would imagine.  Who would, after a long period of having a faithful companion?  I had been with her through very thick and very thin, and I had put up with a lot of low moments, and even been willing to go out of my way to give her companionship when I would have been wiser to refuse her, or to lose faith in friends on her behalf.  But friendship does not necessitate this level of dog-loyalty.

With that, I suppose, and the time I put my foot down and remained friends with an "enemy" (and my increasing interest in someone other than herself), she got a little anxious.  If anyone were to ask me what happened between us that we should go from so close to hardly ever speaking seemingly between semesters, I would tell them that they would have to ask her.  It wouldn't be caginess or an attempt to avoid drama, although drama is greatly to be avoided when possible.  I simply cannot say for sure what finally brought it all to an end.  We tried to discuss it a few times – she told me she didn't like how I was acting and how it made her feel.  I apologized and tried to explain that I was not deliberately trying to hurt her – that I was only looking for a little independence.  I don't think it made much difference – I don't think she really listened.

And then she told me that sometimes friends need distance and so she would give me space.  Because it was always me, my fault.

Once upon a time, I was emotionally manipulated.

It is not fun and it can be severely damaging to your mental health.  Your reality becomes twisted.  You can't disprove her ridiculous claims and you can't prove your righteousness.  You begin to question your own reasoning – maybe he's right.  After all, you can't prove he's not.  Your world now revolves around him and his feelings.

Please read the following article.  Without even realizing it, you may be stuck right now.  Or you may be the manipulator.  The key to not being a manipulator is openness to being wrong, to the possibility that you're hurting someone, and remembering that you do not own the rights to another person – thoughts nor feelings nor presence.  If you seem to be in a relentless fight to maintain a healthy relationship and doubt your position in the relationship constantly (and especially if you feel isolated from other people or your other relationships are failing), something is wrong.

Do not mistake yourself.  If you are friends with an emotional manipulator, do not convince yourself that they will change with love and support and a little prayer.  Sadly, you cannot fix them.  They cannot admit the problem, so there is no healing.  You're better off giving them some space and refusing to let them treat you that way.  And if anything, they are better off too.

But if you have been manipulated, remember that they aren't diabolical.  They are lost.  They are broken.  Even though you can't fix them and you should not put up with their behavior, they deserve your compassion.  One person who manipulated me was by all appearances being manipulated by her mother.  Another person who used me was broken and looking for healing.  Forgive and go on as best you can.

As I read the following article, I remembered instances of all eight of these symptoms.  I think my only criticism of the piece is that it sounds bitter and hates the manipulator a little too wholeheartedly: http://theunboundedspirit.com/8-ways-to-protect-yourself-from-emotional-manipulation/

Feminism and Masculinity (from a young man and a young woman)

Jared:
What is your opinion on the Feminist Movement?

Elizabeth:
Um….
Depends.

Jared:
On what?

Elizabeth:
THE Feminist Movement:
They need to chill.

Jared:
I agree.

Elizabeth:
The Christianized version of the Feminist Movement – get real.

Jared:
I know right?

Elizabeth:
There is more to being a female than modesty and how to date and find a good husband.

Jared:
Exactly.
Babies.

Elizabeth:
Haha yeah.

Jared:
The movements are based on the false principle that men and women are not equal.
Men and women are in fact equal but equal does not mean the same.
They are equal in that they both have their roles but those roles are perceived by feminists as unfair.

Elizabeth:
Yes.

Jared:
Without those roles being filled properly the fabric of society begins to tear and bad things happen.
Like the Feminist movement.

Elizabeth:
Yeah.

Jared:
And the Men's Movement.

Elizabeth:
The blessing of man and woman being different is that one person doesn't have to do or be everything, or need to try.
Explain the Men's Movement.

Jared:
The Men's Movement is the response of men to the emasculation of the Feminist Movement.
It is about regaining the role of men from the "new man" that was created by the influence of Feminism in society.

Elizabeth:
Do you think it's effective?

Jared:
My point is that that movement should not need to exist.

Elizabeth:
Oh quite.

Jared:
I believe it is to an extent and with certain individuals.
The problem is that it is too little too late and does not solve the root of the problem.

Elizabeth:
I think… that what we need… at least at this point, isn't respect for our own gender, but for the other.
It's become too much about self.
– If we just tell ourselves that we're awesome, everything will fall into place.
The world will respect us. –
But it doesn't work like that.

Jared:
It is only through respect of others that we can gain respect of ourselves.
We must have self-confidence in order to establish respect but without respecting others we cannot expect to fulfill ourselves.

Elizabeth:
That sounds about right.

Dignity in the Skin, part II

(Click here for part one.)

What many people get hung up on is how much skin a bikini shows.  Often times, they will say that the skin damages a person's dignity, that is is inappropriate, or that it is provocative.  All seemingly valid arguments.

What isn't taken into consideration is how dress codes have changed over the years.  Much of what we wear in America these days would not be up to standards one hundred years ago.  What is commonplace was not always commonplace.  Rev. Thomas J. Higgins, S.J. says in Man as Man, "Social custom may change a proximate occasion of sin into a remote occasion.  The ordinary man now is not lasciviously affected by women wearing shorts.  People have become accustomed to them.  In 1905 such dress would have been a proximate occasion of sin."  The styles of swimsuits have changed to suit their purpose.  Bikinis are not designed for swimming laps.  Speedos are not designed for sunbathing.  For many, bikini's are the most comfortable option for the goal of dressing light in the sun on the beach, maybe getting a little wet.  But to some, the midriff is a "sexual" area.  It doesn't have to be.  In our culture, more and more skin is being exposed, and to some extent, it can be inappropriate.  But do you know what you would be wearing right now if we had never changed our fashion ideas?

If we assume for the moment that bikinis are modest, are they always appropriate?  No.  Bikinis are common on the beach.  They are expected and wouldn't make most people think twice.  Wearing a bikini into a bar or to window shop or to attend a sports event is not so expected, normal, or appropriate.

If we assume for the moment that bikinis are not inherently immodest, are all bikinis appropriate attire at the beach.  This is "wear" it gets a little tricky.  Some bikinis don't leave much room for complaint: 

The swimsuit in the above photo doesn't show off a whole lot.  But some bikinis have so little material that you'd have to organize the complaints by column and row.

But regardless of what we decide is appropriate to wear around other people in a certain situation: "This discussion will always come down to a heart issue. God knows our hearts and intentions. If our intentions are to draw attention from guys and men, head back to the changing room. We can say whatever we want, but our intentions in wearing what we wear speak volumes" (Rachel Lee Carter at Modeling Christ).  What that doesn't mean is that anything is appropriate as long as our heart is in the right place.  But what it does mean is that modesty isn't a dress code.  A dress code dictates what attire is appropriate, such as at the work place or at a school.  Modesty has more to do with when you're reeeeally pushing the dress code rules in order to show off your body in, well, an inappropriate manner.  Especially as a Christian (but a universal truth), it is not appropriate to use your own body as an object.  You should not purposely try to arouse others.  It is pleasurable, but creates a lot of unhappiness.

Sometimes what seems appropriate isn't immodest, and sometimes it is.  Because modesty has to do with intentions!  That's the whole point.  Now, charity includes being concerned about what arouses others.  So even if you are not dressing to draw eyes and quicken heartbeats, it is courteous and even your duty to be aware of your society and culture.  And as a point, if you are going into circumstances where people usually dress such a way in order to get certain attention – just because you're going there, doesn't mean it is perfectly alright to do what everyone else is doing.  You may want to dress a little differently if fitting in with the crowd means that you aren't respected.  (But depending, you may need to question the wisdom of going into this situation in the first place.)

And yes, behavior can be modest or immodest.  I don't think I need to go into too much detail explaining this, but since immodesty is (in my own clumsy wording) the intentional attempts to arouse, inappropriate behavior can be immodest.  By dictionary definition, someone who is immodest lacks humility or decency.

Let’s make a commitment this summer to ditch the skimpy swimsuits, earn self respect, and help our brothers in Christ.  –Rachel Clark

I realize that no one really wants to think about swimsuits in February (at least not where I'm from) – and I'm not saying that everyone must love it and buy it and wear it for every occasion – but I propose a slightly altered commitment for your consideration until the hot weather returns:

Anything skimpy that makes you feel dirty – don't buy it.  Realize that your body, your skin can never rob you of your dignity, but that how you view your own body can effect how you are treated by others – and can affect your happiness.  And ladies, never stop loving and respecting men.  They need it as much as you do.

However you stand on the bikini, I ask you to pause and reflect on this issue.  I think this little known view of modesty satisfies far more confusion than the common responses many girls have been fed.

Modesty is About Self-Objectification

http://msmagazine.com/blog/2013/05/24/what-do-dress-codes-say-about-girls-bodies/

Girls usually know, when they dress, that a low-cut or a short seam is going to draw special attention.  Even if they are "good girls" and have no intention of losing their virginity, girls know when their clothing is seductive.  They may not think in those terms, but they know when their cleavage is going to be distracting.

But what will be distracting also depends on the time, occasion, and culture.  What is acceptable in some warmer-climate cultures is not in a New England town.

The importance of modesty lies in whether a girl is objectifying herself.  It's not really about whether men are going to be turned on – they need help learning to respect women as persons.  Modesty is really about women being seen as objects, and that starts with their own self-image.

You are Beautiful

I know I tend see the clouds to every silver lining, but every time a guy makes some form of media message that says, "Girls, you are beautiful, and loved, and valuable," I can't help but think, "So you've told me. But what are you?"

Are you a gentleman? Do you know you are loved by God despite all your mistakes, despite all your fears, despite where you came from, where you are, and where you're going? Do you know you are more than your swag, more than the company you've kept, more than your girlfriend? And do you conduct yourself and treat others like you deserve respect and dignity? What are you doing to teach your brothers that they have a new chance every day to be holy and righteous? Do you believe that men have an important place in this world? Do you believe that you deserve love, that you can love and be loved, and that you ARE loved?

I'm a girl who knows what it is like to doubt self worth. But teach your brothers to know their true worth and girls might begin to believe in their own.

Confidence Quotes

...And why I hate them.

"In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different."  But each of us is different.

Now, if I met a guy and I found myself trying to be like him to get his attention – or the same with a girl – then this quote might be useful.  But most of the time, we are different just the way we are.  But it's  our similarities, not our differences, which bring us together.

I understand the point of this quote – it's to say that you shouldn't be ashamed to be different.  But I think the only people who care about this quote are taking it for more than that.  I've seen far too many people using quotes like this to back up behavior that needs to be reigned in.  We've all seen it – in real life and in movies or television.  It's ridiculous.  They're super opinionated, loud, obnoxious, and too strong-minded.  These people were born this way, anyway, but quotes about being different make people forget that there is such a thing as rudeness, such a thing as relating to other people.

"If you've never lost your mind then you've never followed your heart."  So my heart is trying to send me to a lunatic asylum?

The times that I have lost my mind have not been pleasant.  Yeah, I guess you could say I was following my heart….  If that's the way you want to put it, then I'm not totally sure that following your heart is a good thing.

This quote could mean something else by "lost your mind," I suppose, but I'm not sure what.  If it is trying to tell me that I will feel insanely happy and light as a feather, then I will believe that when I get there.  But I hardly think that feeling is guaranteed to come with following my heart.  I might do something dumb, but again, this quote is based on the presumed premise that following your heart is the epitome of great things!  And so far, the evidence is pointing to the opposite.

"I like flaws and am most comfortable around those who have them.  I, myself, and made up entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."  This one just blows my mind.

You're most comfortable around people who have flaws?  …Do you have a limit?  Like, if you're with people who don't give a darn about you or anything else, doesn't that bother you?  Are you comfortable with murderers and thieves and whatnot?  Are you comfortable with people who swear and disrespect people?

Okay, anyone who stands behind this quote probably doesn't mean it to that extent.  But this quote seems to show to me only the most refined pride.  "I've made mistakes, but I'm proud of them because I meant well.  Who cares that I've hurt people, sold myself short, or reaped consequences?  I meant well. And no one is perfect."  No, no one is perfect, but I'm going to keep trying to be, if you don't mind; and I'm sorry for my mistakes.  If I meant well, that only shows a lack of wisdom on my part….

I understand the good intentions behind motivational quotes, but after a point, they work against their own end.  If all you ever hear is that you are fine the way you are, that you should be as different from everyone else as you can, that following your heart is the most important thing in the whole world – you start to fall short even of what you yourself want for yourself.  You stop striving for more; stop striving for a better you, for unity with creation, for wisdom and righteousness.

I've mentioned before that affirmation drives me crazy because it feels extravagant and fake.  It's kind of the same thing going on here.  These are great ideas to ponder over, but I cringe whenever I see people gluing their lives to them.  When people are married to quotes that glorify these shallow ideas, I want to cry.  These people are on a road to self-destruction, and I'm also finding them very hard to get along with.  Some people get a long way on these things, I realize, but I can't help but wonder what kind of existence that is.

Not to mention that psychology says that it rarely helps to overly build up the ego.  It often has the opposite effect ultimately.

I'm all for bettering self-images and improving society's message, but something subtler and more penetrating and better balanced would be so much better.