Once Upon a Time, I Was Emotionally Manipulated

Once upon a time, I met a girl.  She lived across the hall from me in the dormitory, but she was the kind that has a circle of friends as exciting and outgoing as any drama queen or diva could want.  I did my thing and she did hers and although we had two classes together, we hardly ever spoke.

For sanity's sake and maturity's sake and humility's sake, I won't say too much about her specifically.  One day, we began to study together.  That is – we got together to do the tedious homework together.  Soon, we began hanging out more.  We began going to class together.  Very soon, we were "besties."

Christmas Break came and went and we hardly spoke.  Well, she had a job and a whole, complicated social life waiting for her there.  When we got back to school, we picked up again quickly!  We did live just across the hall after all.  Soon enough, people began asking her where I was if she went somewhere alone.  I laughed when she told me, thinking in the back of my mind that no one ever asked me the flipped question – no matter.

I was still trying to find my identity.  At home, after years and years of trying to find a place I belonged, I had locked myself away inside.  All personality and personal identity were gone.  I was what I could be to people, which almost sounds like what they say is important – the difference you make to people.  Whether that measure is true or not, I tried it.

Once upon a time, I was emotionally manipulated.  I thought I would find myself in devotion to her.  Her stronger and constantly up and running personality sometimes drowned me out or tired my own personality.  I prayed – steeled myself and went on.  My weaknesses caused problems.  My lack of wisdom, strength, love was what separated us.  If I was only better, everything would work out.

She was not the only one who has taken advantage of me, nor was she the only one at that very time.  I carefully work on knots in certain threads so they cannot tear me apart again.  If my own personality and assumptions helped to fuel otherwise harmless people, so be it.  They still had a choice.

Finally, someone began to see me as myself.  I was no longer her shadow.  Those others who had tried a similar task had been haughty – seeing it as some kind of duty to help me as one far wiser and higher above me – or had simply and plainly used me.  Some of them were easier to shrug off than others, depending on how much effort I had expended to save the relationship from the terrible twister we were pulled into.  A few girls made an effort to know and want me as an individual separate from her – and to them I am truly grateful.

Finally, someone began to see me as myself.  He actively sought me and wished to know me.  He saw me, and he saw her.  Distinguishing between us was easy for him.  He knew and trusted me.  He didn't criticize me nor fuel me, and he didn't pretend to be wiser and know all and have the solution – he simply listened and agreed when I was right.  I began to realize that what I felt, thought, wanted was important and even valid.

This is not a love story.  There is a love story, and if I were to tell it, it would begin something like that.  But this is not about the incredible man that found me when I wasn't trying to be found, although he had a profound effect on the ending of this story – with help from the example of other friendships I was developing during this time.

I began to realize that what I felt, thought, and wanted were important and even valid.  If I thought something was senseless, I didn't necessarily have to do it just because I was her friend and she wanted to.  If she wanted to do something, she could as well do it herself as needlessly drag me along.  She did not like this new thought, I would imagine.  Who would, after a long period of having a faithful companion?  I had been with her through very thick and very thin, and I had put up with a lot of low moments, and even been willing to go out of my way to give her companionship when I would have been wiser to refuse her, or to lose faith in friends on her behalf.  But friendship does not necessitate this level of dog-loyalty.

With that, I suppose, and the time I put my foot down and remained friends with an "enemy" (and my increasing interest in someone other than herself), she got a little anxious.  If anyone were to ask me what happened between us that we should go from so close to hardly ever speaking seemingly between semesters, I would tell them that they would have to ask her.  It wouldn't be caginess or an attempt to avoid drama, although drama is greatly to be avoided when possible.  I simply cannot say for sure what finally brought it all to an end.  We tried to discuss it a few times – she told me she didn't like how I was acting and how it made her feel.  I apologized and tried to explain that I was not deliberately trying to hurt her – that I was only looking for a little independence.  I don't think it made much difference – I don't think she really listened.

And then she told me that sometimes friends need distance and so she would give me space.  Because it was always me, my fault.

Once upon a time, I was emotionally manipulated.

It is not fun and it can be severely damaging to your mental health.  Your reality becomes twisted.  You can't disprove her ridiculous claims and you can't prove your righteousness.  You begin to question your own reasoning – maybe he's right.  After all, you can't prove he's not.  Your world now revolves around him and his feelings.

Please read the following article.  Without even realizing it, you may be stuck right now.  Or you may be the manipulator.  The key to not being a manipulator is openness to being wrong, to the possibility that you're hurting someone, and remembering that you do not own the rights to another person – thoughts nor feelings nor presence.  If you seem to be in a relentless fight to maintain a healthy relationship and doubt your position in the relationship constantly (and especially if you feel isolated from other people or your other relationships are failing), something is wrong.

Do not mistake yourself.  If you are friends with an emotional manipulator, do not convince yourself that they will change with love and support and a little prayer.  Sadly, you cannot fix them.  They cannot admit the problem, so there is no healing.  You're better off giving them some space and refusing to let them treat you that way.  And if anything, they are better off too.

But if you have been manipulated, remember that they aren't diabolical.  They are lost.  They are broken.  Even though you can't fix them and you should not put up with their behavior, they deserve your compassion.  One person who manipulated me was by all appearances being manipulated by her mother.  Another person who used me was broken and looking for healing.  Forgive and go on as best you can.

As I read the following article, I remembered instances of all eight of these symptoms.  I think my only criticism of the piece is that it sounds bitter and hates the manipulator a little too wholeheartedly: http://theunboundedspirit.com/8-ways-to-protect-yourself-from-emotional-manipulation/

Two Promises an Author Should Make to His Readers

When you are writing, remember to make a difference with your writing.  There are different ways to do this but certain techniques, perhaps, should be avoided.  Look over this article from "Writers Write" and consider it.  Even if you are not a writer, this tip will help readers as well.

http://writerswrite.co.za/the-authors-promise-two-things-every-writer-should-do

Are You Saved?

http://www.deepertruthblog.com/blogsite/the-catholic-defender-the-soul-is-eternal/

Heaven and Hell – are you assured a place in Heaven from the moment that you decide you believe in Jesus?  The Catholic Church warns us that it is actually a sin to think that way.  Read the above article to better understand why.  To my knowledge, it is factually accurate as far as Catholic doctrine is concerned.  Although I cannot vouch for the story of the author's mother, I have no reason to doubt it, and what he says about Divine Mercy is true and it is one of my devotions.

People are People

http://darksilhouetteonblueskies.blogspot.com/2014/01/have-we-been-desensitized-by-television.html

What do you think?  Have you had an experience where a person becomes mere gossip and mystery.  You forget about the hurt and turmoil involved, and you just think about what you know and don't know – the dirty details.  You forget that they are just like you

Bearing Babies in Our Bodies

http://weseekjoy.blogspot.com/2013/12/babies-ruin-bodies.html

This is not much I can say about this article.  It is simple, it is beautiful, and it is true.  Do babies ruin our bodies?  Or do they uniquely add to its beauty?

Dignity in the Skin

Modesty is a big thing – in this age and every age, it seems.  The expectations have changed over time; fashions have changed.  But one thing has not changed, and that is the capacity of busybodies to criticize and belittle those people who are not dressed respectably.

I have written briefly about modesty before, but I would like to address a particular issue that has many criticisms and has caused much confusion and bitterness.  And this issue, I am proud to announce, is the bikini.

There are several arguments against the bikini and I am sympathetic to all of them.  However, I do not agree with the conclusion, based on these arguments, that the bikini is inherently detrimental to the dignity of women and the purity of men.  I assure you, though, that I have reasons for this, reasons that I will do my best to explain.

I would like to refer you to this article, which, I have heard, made its rounds on social media some time ago.  Called "The Bikini Question," guest blogger Rachel Clark attempts to convince girls (and has done well accomplishing this goal from what I hear) that they should never wear bikinis.  Her first reason is that she is "making a sacrifice for the guys" around her.  This is well-intentioned and I am very glad that she is able to sacrifice herself in such a manner; but this mindset is incorrect.

Let me first, however, establish that girls do indeed have more self-knowledge than we are sometimes led to believe.  What I mean is that girls almost always know when a hem or a v is going to attract special attention.  They may not know that they are deserving of so much more than this type of attention; they may not know that there is so much more – but they know full well when their attire is a little scanty.  If they did not, they would not be able to do it intentionally.  Women that seek to be modest don't necessarily need to have strict dress rules given them; to an extent, what to wear comes down to common sense.

An essential idea behind modesty: women should not dress to look sexy.  They are theoretically dressing to look appetizing, if you will, to the menfolk.  But I personally think that women shouldn't have the mindset that they are dressing for men, period.  I think that, contrary to what some people realize, women should dress for themselves.  They should dress according to their personality and to encourage, within themselves, self-respect and a proper realization of their dignity.  Dressing to be sexy is dressing "for men."  But if only women were taught to dress in accordance with their dignity, which is unchanging, rather than to dress for men, other women, or anything besides their true identity.  And girls have an important and difficult task respecting their own bodies; they ought to focus on protecting their own opinion of themselves through their attire, and with that down, they can sacrifice for other people with other gestures.

This does not address all the hangups related to modesty, but it is an important concept to understand.  Even without it, however, many are more concerned that women have the responsibility to look out for the man, to protect his imagination.  As Rachel Clark wrote:

"I’ve heard the excuse, Guys just have an imagination, it’s not a girl’s problem. Frankly, I think that’s stupid. Part of it is our problem. The way we dress impacts those around us, especially guys. I don’t really want a guy to look at me and notice me for my butt, upper thighs, or chest. I’d rather him notice my smile or God-loving personality. Well sure, you say, that’s all fine and good, but guys should be able to control their imagination and look beyond our bodies. That’s true, they should control it. But it’s important for girls to help them as they try and do so."

She's right.  "Guys just have an imagination; it's not a girl's problem," is a very sad excuse, and not just for the reasons Rachel Clark has pointed out, although she's mostly right.  The Holy Fool at The Holy Fool put it this way:

" … there exists a false stereotype which claims that men are, as a general rule, grimier, more carnal, and more predisposed to lust than any woman could ever be. The problem with this “chocolate cake” mindset, this “boys will be boys” mindset, this “Women should help men because men can’t help themselves” thought process is that it is damaging to the entire male gender. Sure, it might be a little easier for men to feign chastity if everyone around them is enabling and catering to their weakness. But in addition to stripping men of any moral responsibility, it also strips them of the nobility and well-deserved pride that comes with achieving continence for themselves. It forces men into a negative, self-hating stereotype which ensures that, no matter how much self-mastery they obtain, they will always feel gross or lecherous. On a personal note, I actually know of certain boys who have doubted their own masculinity when they don’t have major issues with lust, so potent is the stereotype that to be masculine is to be lustful. This is just one example which illustrates that negative stereotypes which belittle a gender – however well-intentioned – hurt everyone."  ["The Bikini Question: a Rebuttal"]

The thing is that, although our generally broken society has helped many men and boys to see a woman and define her incorrectly (and vice versa), I have often found that the real world is not quite like a sitcom, where everyone sees someone new and automatically chalks them up to their sex appeal.  That is, certainly, a problem – I won't deny that.  But it is not the case that all men, each and every one of them, is subjected against their will to carnal lust every time they see a woman who is scantily clad.  Will they experience some level of arousal?  Maybe; but that in itself is not a sin or even unhealthy.*  And truly consider a moment: what is "scantily clad"?

Rather than focusing on the (literally) surface details, the root of the problem is that so many people don't know that they aren't objects to be used and that no one else is either (which is a concept at the root of many issues, not just lust).  Furthermore, fantasies are something a person consents to.  Sudden ideas, images – those can't always be helped.  But fantasies, lusting after a person – yep, they can.  All due to the incredible gift of free will, a person chooses.  (Admittedly, the choice is not easy or easily followed.)

Where is this leading us?  I will explain, in a special post next week, in part two.

* see http://theholyfool.blogspot.com/2013/06/the-bikini-question-rebuttal.html if you'd like more information

To Be Human

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/badcatholic/2013/12/millennial-misery.html

With people all the more accessible, it is possible to lose oneself in messages and statuses that really mean nothing.  In text messages, the language has evolved to include emoticons, new formatting, and new expressions; but the messages are still largely impersonal.  A personal connection is stronger even in a phone call, because tone and emphasis can be better manipulated; physical presence is even better because body language and an understanding silence can be used.  Body language and, further, physical touch is what makes separation so hard.  And separation can be very hard, but with social media today, separation isn't necessarily true separation.  So do text and social media messages really help to strengthen and deepen relationships?  I have sometimes wondered if social media and text messages haven't rather spoiled relationships by depriving them of separation, of longing and appreciation.

Is this connectedness really bringing us closer?  Is it helping us to understand one another, to love one another?  It may, perhaps, actually be closing some of our doors.  With so little effort necessary and so many people to chose from, I think we may have lost our empathy, our desire to try to really connect on a deeper personal level with the people we are with in the moment – which leaves us and everyone around us feeling very empty and alone.  And silly, meaningless little messages can be sent off effortlessly to people we love, without much personal investment.

I'm not the least bit against social media but I do think it should be used almost as a supplement, rather than the norm for connecting with people, especially for connecting with people you could see every day but don't (like classmates or friends in town).

Food for thought, and something, I'm sure, we could all reflect on in the coming year.

Manliness

An interesting perspective on manliness:

http://www.artofmanliness.com/2008/03/20/so-you-want-to-become-a-man/

Halloween is EVIL

Did you miss Halloween this year because it's devil worship?  Read this article:

http://www.ucatholic.com/blog/the-catholic-origins-of-halloween/

(I do not claim any credibility for this article.)

But outside of that and simplifying the issue, dressing up as something does not worship anyone.  Sometimes, when you dress up as someone or something, it is in a mocking manner.  Children can become obsessed and devoted to someone or something in many different ways.  I think if children are taught that such an alluring practice as dressing up as a ghost is an evil act, during rebellious stages, they will be inclined to throw themselves further into such things than if they had been brought up moderately.  That which is forbidden is more enticing.

I know some families allow their children to dress up as a monster for Halloween as long as they dress up as a saint for All Saint's Day.  I suppose that is one way to handle the situation.

But remember, on Halloween, some people dress up as angels or dinosaurs – neither of which are evil.  (Halloween can simply be a time when the kids get to take dress-up to a whole new level.  And get candy for it!)  I know that some families miss out on Halloween because they refuse to take part in something with evil origins.  But others just don't like the idea of their children dressing up as something evil.  I propose to you that since true evil is so different from a costume you can find at a store, it doesn't really have any correlation.

It's also rather small to assume that if someone does not abhor and cannot stand representations of evil, that they are not sensitive to it and have no moral awareness.  Such is not always the case, in my experience.  I cannot personally endure horror films and certain Halloween decor makes me squeamish.  But I am very close to some people who are very familiar with this stuff and it doesn't affect them.  Are they insensitive and cruel?  No, and you know why?  Because they are able to distinguish the representation from reality.  True stories of abuse and corruption anger them; but representations mean little to them because they are representations.  They are fake.

Such is Halloween.  I think – and you may contest this – that if children are brought up celebrating Halloween, taught that it is fake, and warned against the real thing, that Halloween will lose a lot of that potency some create for it out of fear.  Laugh at the devil – he has no power over us, Christ has won.

Feminism Makes Women Miserable

Wait, women don't have to have a career to be happy?  Who'dathunk?

http://dailycaller.com/2013/10/23/godfather-of-hipsterdom-feminism-makes-women-miserable/

Important Information Concerning Relationship Steps

http://cbmw.org/men/manhood/were-just-talking/

This article describes a relationship status that I've seen many times on Franciscan campus.  It is not a healthy or helpful step, as far as I can see, and not terribly mature of either party.  You either are pursuing a relationship or you're not.  Each individual needs to make that personal decision and feel out the relationship carefully to see if there is truly something deeper going on there.  Wishful thinking does not count as "a very real possibility."  Relationships, of any kind, are mature decisions made in good time.

I Don't Wait

Perhaps this is why I've never been inclined to wear one – I had never stopped to put my thoughts into words, but if I had, I hope it would have sounded like this:

http://gracefortheroad.com/2012/02/03/idontwait/