Swimming (3 Key Elements of a Thriving Long-Distance Relationship)

For the first time in my life, I am somebody's girlfriend.  It took time; but really, the whole thing happened quite fast.  Given my lack of experience and because I usually put 100% into my relationships, I was unwilling to jump into this.  But within a few months of knowing him, there I was – a "girlfriend."

About a month in, it became a long-distance relationship.  Most college relationships become "long-distance" when break roles around, but this is different.  For us, the holidays began a year-long separation.  I went to Europe when school started up again in the Spring, and he will be in Europe when school begins again in the Fall – this is called, I hear, the "Austria year."  It's summer now so I suppose we're about halfway through.

I remember, when I began dating, a friend of mine sent a text message to congratulate me.  The conversation wasn't very memorable, short as it was, but I do remember one thing very clearly – when she found out about our study abroad plans, she warned me that couples don't usually survive the Austria year.  As you may imagine, I ended the conversation pretty quickly after that.  I couldn't help but text my boyfriend to tell him that something was upsetting me.  So we talked on the phone about it for awhile, and we both decided we could make it through the separation.  We wanted to.

Over six months later, the two of us are stronger together than we were before.  With every trip-up and rough night, long day and low grade, we shook and stood.  Each messaging session or Skype conversation, however awkward or one-sided – however imperfect, we grew closer.  A long-distance relationship is tough, but it is so incredibly good.  The distance strips away much of the superficiality and in the darkest moments reveals the moonstone underneath.  If the relationship survives the stripping, it comes out alive and beautiful.  It's hard to explain what I mean.

I'm not saying that a long-distance relationship is not romantic.  My boyfriend arranged to have a vase of flowers, a bar of chocolate, and a bottle of wine waiting for me outside my door one day – just because I'd been having a rough time he said.  We wrote letters – I wrote one nearly every day at first while I was in Europe.  Even now, while we're both in the states, we send each other notes and letters just to say: "I love you."

And that's not something that started with distance.  The first letters were exchanged before we were dating.  We had an awkward (and adorable) beginning (if I may boast).  So many thoughts and concerns were discussed and explained in clumsy but naked detail; and when not face-to-face, our feelings were articulated in ink.

I think those letters stood for an important truth of our relationship: he and I – we – are more than just a fling.  Our relationship was not exactly a sudden leap of faith.  Looking back over our relationship so far, I see myself treading water, praying and trusting in God to teach me to swim.  Everything was handled with delicate care and tender precision.  I wanted to get it right.  We both did.  We each want to be with the other long-term, whatever it takes.

While I was in Europe, communication was difficult.  We could not share play-by-play as we usually would.  When we were both awake and available, we might ask what the other was doing that day, but a text message summary could hardly serve.  Letters were invaluable for this purpose.  We can still share in each others' daily lives – successes, failures, frustrations, and contemplations – if weeks later.  In letters, we could express thoughts or feelings that are hard to articulate aloud, for one reason or another, or in a more elegant and meaningful style than a text message could manage.

Sometimes, before I left for Europe, others would advise me to set a day and time for Skype calls to make sure communication happened regularly.  I confess, I fully intended to set appointments.  But it turns out that two people in love will have no trouble setting time aside to see and hear each other.  And can I admit something to you?  I hate Skype.  I hate it with a passion.  You call a person and then suddenly you're staring at their face.  That's pretty much it.  The comfort and cushion of body language and spatial context is non-existent here.  You have to stare at them the whole time or seem distracted (or be legitimately distracted, as I usually was), which is unnatural.  And is video quality ever good?  And yet even so, I would get to missing his face so much that I loved the invention of video chat.  Even at the beginning, when I still felt loathing for the thing, my boyfriend and I had no trouble picking dates off the calendar as we went.  We wanted so much to know the other and experience the other.

We may not have been the solution to each others' problems every time, but we shared in them anyway.  Any concerns we had or daily problems we faced were discussed, even with the timezone trouble.  We were willing and able to share our vulnerability, but I also had to be mature enough to admit that having a boyfriend did not fix everything.  Sometimes I would get off the phone with him and feel like crying my eyes out because I was so lonely and talking to him hadn't seemed to change anything.  I know nothing I could have said lessened his reading homework or improved his track performance.  We just had to plug on, putting credit where it's due.

If anyone asked me what is getting me through this long distance relationship, I'd say, "He is."  And lots of prayer.  I have plenty of doubts and fears – including why this relationship should be any different from others, how could I know that when he does such-and-such it is not like when so-and-so did such-and-such, and what if it goes too far too fast and everything falls to pieces around me: like other relationships in the past, I won't be able to fix it.  But he stands sufficiently for himself as evidence against my objections, each one.  If I took any one little doubt all by itself, it would be enough.  I could dump him on the basis of that one doubt; but I would have to reduce everything that he is to that one doubt, and the truth is that I just can't.  In his entirety – even when I'm frustrated that he has to cut a call short or I'm feeling tired because he's been having a rough time and it's all we talk about – in his entirety, he sets my heart in awe.  He is truly and deeply a human being, and he shares himself exclusively with me.  We are so close and he is so right for me that I cannot imagine breaking up with him.  I would have to load my heart up on Novocaine.  He is a person.  He is worth waiting for.  He is worth supporting until times get better.

When I'm praying, I often ask God to explain what I don't understand, to show me how to be wisely selfless, and to help me love my boyfriend more than he loves me – just for competition sake.  I think he is probably better at consistently praying about and for us, but nonetheless, prayer helps me to remember the moments when I felt sure and confident, and when I remember why I felt like I did then, I feel it again.  Praying allows me to step into my panic and figure out what is lurking there.  More often than not, I find just a speck of dust that hasn't been addressed yet is all that sits at the source.  But when it is more complicated or more elusive, I pray to thank God for the good, and I pray to ask for clarity, and I make a resolution to take my blessed time judging this fear that has crept up on me.

And then I usually talk to my boyfriend about it.

We both know what we want out of life and the visions are more or less compatible.  In the slower moments, we spend time figuring out the details we each personally want for the future, after college and beyond.  We discover ourselves through each other, and I often find that he's talking about details that I haven't figured out yet.  So we discuss them.  We discuss just about everything.

So really, distance isn't all that hard, because we have:

1. True love, if I may be so bold as to presume that which many scoff.  We each want the best for the other, which means a deep knowledge of the other and deep sacrifice of self for the other.  Each fervently wants to be the cause of the other's happiness.
2. Maturity.  Again, I may seem presumptuous but I will declare it anyway.  We may not always act mature, but we try to be mature about our immaturity.  We recover, we discuss, and we go on.  We admit that there is more to life than the bubble of our love, but nothing is too great to fit inside it.  Our relationship is not showy and we do not share it with others (i.e., drama, gossip; e.g., it is not Internet recognized, except for the occasional picture).  At the same time, it does not isolate us from others.
3. A desire to share.  A desire to communicate.  Trust that enables us to do so.  Compatibility of character, experience, education, and aspirations that bind us together.

This isn't a checklist of elements that can just be inserted into the relationship.  These have to be the relationship.  Certainly a long distance relationship can look different from what I have with my boyfriend; but the longing to be with the other, know the other, and love the other – that must be there.  I see no way around it.  And though I know couples often do without, I cannot begin to imagine how a relationship survives without the common ground of God and the common labor for holiness.  You need that grounding in order to truly be one flesh one day.  No matter what interests you have or varying hobbies, the work toward holiness is never done, is never completed.  It's a task, a goal that eternally unites persons, creating that life-long commitment we covet so deeply.

For a while, we held off dating because I was scared, and I used the inevitable distance as an excuse.  I wouldn't say that my fears were foolish, but I know we made the right decision in the end – it was so worth it.  All the rough spots and the moments of panic were worth it.  People doubted; perhaps especially because this was my first relationship, people doubted.  I can't blame them – I doubted too.  But any lasting relationship should have what it takes to brave the distance, and I think that by some miracle I have found that kind of relationship.  Could a couple know that they'll last when they're just starting out?  I'm not sure we could have.  But we learn it day by day.

A Letter to Singles

I want this post to be personal.  Being single can be so hard, but I'd like to convince you that it's not a big deal.  And I've seen so many people try so hard to get into a relationship or to make a troubled relationship work out.  The truth is that dating, in and of itself, does not guarantee happiness.  So many people have to tiptoe around their partner, or don't trust each other, or don't even spend time together – but hey, at least they have a relationship status!  And in case you didn't hear... even the best relationships have their rough moments.

Some people may feel that what I have to say on this topic is not relevant, because I am now dating.  But to be fair, I have only been dating three months (by the publication of this post), and I was single for a long time before that.  And in some respects, I will still feel single for a good while into the future because I'm studying abroad and my boyfriend isn't.

But I have to consider the other possibility – some may not think what I say is credible because I am still so young and have not been in a relationship long.  To that, all I can say is… well… you can't please everyone.

And anyway, they'd be right.  I don't really know for sure.  I haven't been in a relationship long, even though it is (in my estimation) an incredibly healthy relationship with real potential.  In all honesty, I can't see into the future and say that my sentiments prove true.

Furthermore, I can't say that my single life was at all happy.  Most of my life suffered from extreme loneliness and moodiness.  At college, I began to make friends and my self-esteem and opinion of life got a little better.  But I was still extremely lonely, and I was deeply unhappy.

So to be clear, I am not saying that being single equals happiness.  I'm not even proposing a way to be happy that you're single.  But there are so many materials out there that try to help you through your single life, or to tell you why you are still single, or to give some meaning to it… that I wanted to throw my own two cents in – because I am not fond of the picture they paint.

For one thing – oh! how I hate this one.  This post by "rabidhunter" is an interesting read to look over, although there are many inaccuracies.  But one sentence stood out to me: "First we have to love God completely, fully, and absolutely before He will bring the one He has promised to you."  Don't fall into the trap of thinking that God is holding out on you until He's satisfied with your devotion to Him!  Look around you!  Not to judge, but lots of unholy people get married.  Even atheists find soul mates that they live happily with to the end of their days.  Clearly, God doesn't wait for us to get our hindquarters in gear before He leads us to our intended.  Some people might meet their beloved while prostrate in prayer before the Lord or on a mission trip – but that won't happen to all Christians.  That you don't have a significant other is not because you are not good enough.

What's more you don't have to "love yourself enough to be happy living with yourself alone" or love everyone perfectly.  However much you may have learned to depend on God and live solely for Him, it can still be hard to be alone, it can still be hard to know how to love.  They say to "love as Christ loved us," which ideally is all you need to know.  But it's not every day that you will have the chance to die on a cross for a friend.  It can be hard to know how to love unless we share God's love with people and experience it for ourself.  Some people haven't had enough opportunities to practice, through no fault of their own.  Does that mean they will never find love?  Certainly not.  Love does not wait for you to be perfect.

And please, don't make a list.

So many girls, and not just Christians, make a list of traits they must have in a future spouse.  I have many reasons why I think this is a bad idea but I'll start with perhaps the most potent one: you may not know yourself as well as you think.  Do you think you know what you need better than God does?  So unless the list looks something like this:

• male
• masculine
• not female
• breathing

…you might want to leave the rest up to God.  Even if you have a list of traits that you've found work best with your own personality; even if you've gone over the list with a spiritual director, lots of premeditation, and prayer; even if you had an unusually clear dream of yourself and your husband living together in your dream house – try to leave it up to God.  (And remember, spiritual directors aren't God.  I deeply respect them and you should take their advice seriously, but they can sometimes be misguided.)

Even if you list virtues and describe a very admirable character, you risk getting too caught up in the details and failing to see the real beauty of the man offering himself to you.  He's not going to be perfect.  Despite his best intentions and your reasonably high standards, he may have a tendency that doesn't quite match what you have always insisted on.  You maybe wanted a confident man, but your boyfriend has lots of doubts about himself.  But answer this, does he believe in you?  Is he there for you no matter what?  Is he aware of his unworthiness but wants to keep trying to be a better man so you will never be let down?  That might not be exactly what you had on your list, but it might turn out to be your match after all.

Obviously, I was talking to girls just then, but men, if you've made a list or were thinking of making one, reconsider.

I encourage you to read this post by Mandy at Forte E Bello for more information.  She further explains what you should really be focused on in your search for a spouse.

But besides that, and this next part may especially apply to guys, don't waste yourself.  No one is right for everyone else.  Don't exhaust yourself trying to be the right guy for the wrong girl.  And also, a lot of people have serious baggage – it doesn't have to hold you back.  It doesn't make you less able to love or receive love.  It rather seems to increase that ability if you let it.

I fully believe that your past, your experiences, the good and the bad – they all helped to make you completely unique.  You have something to give that is unlike anything anyone else has.  This is true of everyone.  If God has marriage in your plan, there is someone out there who needs exactly what you have to give, who needs exactly who you are.  You will make someone happy simply because of who you are to her, not just because of what you do for her.  Simply by being yourself and loving her the way you know how to love, you will win her heart.

That doesn't mean we all don't have something to learn about ourselves or about how to love; it doesn't mean that there won't be doubts, that there won't be rough spots; but God has a plan for you, and He's not just sitting around waiting on you.  The date is already set.  And it's blind.

What's more, in the meantime – enjoy being single!  While you're single, enjoy mingling with lots of good people of both sexes.  During my "singlehood," I learned to let them teach me, in the little things, how to better love other people.  And let them teach you, in the little things, how to better accept love from other people.  While you're single, it can be hard to interpret your heart – don't let it run away with the first special gestures of kindness.  Deeply value all of your friends, and enjoy the freedom of being able to hang out with almost anyone without jealousy or commitment.

I'm not trying to encourage a flirty, hookup behavior, but enjoy platonic relationships.  These other relationships are learning experiences.  Each person has a tendency to think a little too well or a little too poorly of people, but meeting lots of different people can really teach you about people and about yourself.  And you can meet some really good people that truly care about you.  Being single doesn't mean you're unloved and unloveable.  Take this opportunity to make good friends.  You'll need them later.  Spend your single life praying to become more of yourself so you are ready to love your other half.

#NoFearNovember

There's a new month-long event going around on Franciscan campus.  It's called No Fear November! What is this thing, which has a name so enticing?  Franciscan University students wondered, waiting for the first of the month to come.  Rumors whispered about from one person to the other – and finally they were proved to be true.

No Fear November is a dating awareness month.  That's right, dating awareness.  Now, that's my term for it – I haven't seen it officially described that way – but I think the designation more-or-less accurately describes the hopes and dreams resting on this month's theme.

"Dating awareness month"?  If whatever this means to you doesn't seem like a bad idea, let me explain why it seems so to me.

First, I suppose, I need to explain what it is.  Here are a few websites to check out:

http://nofearnovember.tumblr.com

http://kyletmurphy.blogspot.com/2013/10/no-fear-november.html

http://kyletmurphy.blogspot.com/2013/11/no-fear-november-part-2.html

Keep in mind when you're reading these pages, that I have not read every word.  I believe them to be safe for a general teenage+ audience, but I will not address all their points in this article.  Perhaps another time, I will read them through and write my thoughts on them, word by word.  But for now, I've only skimmed them quickly; if you read them and wish to bring up some of the arguments, please leave a comment.

Basically, the idea is that the dating scene at Franciscan sucks.  Not only are the numbers severely unbalanced (far more women than men), but also, the number of mature young women and men is pathetic.  This includes women from freshmen year to graduate students!  I've been very disappointed to not find enough role models here at this Catholic college.  This manifests itself in a lot of areas, but one of the most painful areas is the the dating scene.

The reasons for this may be many, but it is not fully clear.  Relationships, as anyone ought to know, are not black and white.  People in a relationship give of themselves in a special and especially trusting way – or so it should be.  It follows that if the relationship goes sour, one or both of the parties is hurt in a uniquely painful way.  But also, the whole "Christian dating" thing has become very confusing over the years.  Some guidelines have said that Christians should not date unless they plan to marry the other person.  Some guidelines have very strict gender roles.  Physical and emotional boundaries, as well as how to do what when, might even be laid out with given time expectations.  Couples should increase how often they pray individually and spend plenty of time praying together.  Since these rules do not take personal maturity into account and severely limit the possibilities of a relationship (which should be based on the gifts and limitations of the two), perhaps Frannies are having a hard time developing real and mature romantic relationships.

And so that is the first objection to these "new dating rules" – they are rules.  To be fair, they are proposed as "guidelines," and I suppose that some people need them.  But I balk at rules for relationships.  If you still need rules to help you interact with people at age 20, I fear for your future.

And that's the other part of it.  I am in college.  I am supposed to be an adult.  Everyone here is supposed to be an adult.  Granted, many are not.  I cannot even claim that I am always as mature as I should be.  But there is a common complaint about the Franciscan campus, that it is like being stuck in high school.  Student Life instructing the student body how to date seems to only intensify that feeling.

Now on the other hand, the men on this campus are not really men most of the time.  Many could use a nudge, or a push, or even a shove in the right direction.  And the same goes for women!  Since, however, there has been so much controversy around No Fear November, I have to wonder if the theme has done anyone any good.  It seems a good guess that the good guys are going to continue to be great, and the not so great guys are not going to learn from posters hung up in strategic locations all over campus.  Grown-up ladies will continue to keep their heads on straight… and bulletin notices will not calm an anxious and hormonal teenager.  No Fear November has sparked such controversy and negativity, too, forcing me to doubt that these guidelines will be taken seriously at all.

That all being said, I would like to admit that I recently started dating.  My boyfriend was very upfront about how he felt, but not pushy.  He was honest but he did not demand anything from me.  On the flip side, I tried to respect his feelings, while at the same time I wanted to be honest with him about how I felt (and I have to admit I didn't exactly jump on the bandwagon right away).  Eventually, we got to the point where we both decided it was time to be official.  But the relevant detail here is that it was built on communication – and I don't mean a passionate out-pouring of our souls, which could only have been embarrassing (and not, I think, very mature); rather, I mean an honest, straightforward, and simple explanation that, hey, "this is where I'm at right now."

And I think – ultimately, ideally – that is what No Fear November is hoped to encourage.  Two people being open to each other within the boundaries of respect.  Will the students at Franciscan University ever figure that out?  I don't know.  Do the students at any college have that figured out?  Debatable.  I consider myself very lucky, because I didn't necessarily have it figured out, but I seem to have met a man who does.  May you all have the same good fortune.

So after examining the situation, I have come up with my own solution to the dating problem.  It is not very complicated.  It does not take that long to comprehend, but perhaps a lifetime to learn.  It is something that toddlers cannot have, teenagers all too often seem incapable of, and most adults need to have in order to live a functional life.  It is a good friend of mine called MATURITY.

And wisdom.  Pray for wisdom.

[the one titled] You Can Totally Be Content Being Single

Important Information Concerning Relationship Steps

http://cbmw.org/men/manhood/were-just-talking/

This article describes a relationship status that I've seen many times on Franciscan campus.  It is not a healthy or helpful step, as far as I can see, and not terribly mature of either party.  You either are pursuing a relationship or you're not.  Each individual needs to make that personal decision and feel out the relationship carefully to see if there is truly something deeper going on there.  Wishful thinking does not count as "a very real possibility."  Relationships, of any kind, are mature decisions made in good time.

Busting Franciscan Myths

"I mean, I'm mostly going to college to find a husband."

Don't come to Franciscan.  According to THIS SITE and one other, the boy/girl ratio is between 40/60 and 30/70.  There are a lot of girls.  A lot of girls, especially compared to so few guys!

I know: "I'm hoping to find a good Catholic husband, so where better than at a great Catholic college?"  Yeah, well, good theory, but Catholicism doesn't come with automatic awesomeness.  It'd be nice if it did, wouldn't it?  You may know a person who is Catholic and seemingly devout but has so many character flaws you wish they were atheist so you could "convert" them.  From my view on this campus, Franciscan seems to be the preferred and chosen college for this type of person.

Smoking and drinking are not foreign to this campus.  You have to know the right people in order to get really stoned, but it's not hard to find them – just listen to the right people talking about, well, the wrong people.  Smokers stand outside every building.  …Not constantly, but you'll see a few on a daily basis if you're paying attention.

Smoking is not inherently evil, so far as I can figure (although I hear tell that cigarettes are really, really bad for you).  But it has been my limited experience that most of the guys standing outside in "smoking rings" on a regular basis – cigarettes, cigars, or pipes – are charter members of the group of guys that smart girls are learning not to dream about.

So smoking is directly related to weak character?  Well, no, I can't prove that.  It could be that the majority of the campus male population is of weak character; in which case, it would naturally follow that the campus male smoker population would be largely dominated by this type….  After all, there are plenty of stay-away-from-hims that don't smoke or drink every Friday night.

But that's just a taste of what you'll find on the Franciscan campus.

City on a hill?  Salt of the earth?  Light of the world?  Certainly, all those things.  The Franciscan Friars are so adorable and so powerful and so life changing/challenging.  The witness of a chapel full of young adults singing to God four Masses a Sunday, three a weekday is breathtaking.  Perpetual Adoration, Students for Life, The Harmonium Project, Red Light Ministry… and whatever else we have going on 'round here – sometimes it's hard to keep track of it all.

At the same time, we've got Households that are known more for their off-campus parties than for their spirituality; we have sexual assault investigations and guys banned from certain all-girl's dorms; we've had students kicked out for drug activity; there are Freshman couples hooking up within the first one or two weeks of school and breaking up because one or the other is "struggling with their spirituality;" we're overflowing with flirt action hidden under the pick-up line: "I want to guard your heart."  (See THIS page for campus crime statistics.)

Finding a man on campus?  The majority of the girls in my acquaintance who will be graduated this year are going out into the world without marriage plans, without an engagement ring, without even a boyfriend.  A lot of relationships that happen are not particularly mature or prepared for marriage.  Yes, there is the occasional sophomore marriage – but believe me, it looks more insane than it does romantic.  A lot of people collapse, after a long day here, among their closest friends, and admit, "This place is like high school all over again."

If you want diversity, you won't find it here.  There are only a few black people; most people are moderately chill Catholics split about equally between the charismatics and… not charismatics; a lot of geeks and nerds, as well as geek and nerd wannabes; hardcore partiers and smokers, rebels, and cool people are the severe minority; and then there are the small populations of blatantly "traditional" Catholics and "full-length-skirt-addicts."  Most people more or less dress the same – the jocks and drama queens being pretty much the only exception – and frisbee is the thing.

Babies are cute; friars and other religious are celebrities; discernment into religious life merits a huge celebration; and a day when it isn't raining is everyone's dream.

Oh – and I should mention the huge homosexual community.

In some respects, it's just like any other campus.

But a good girl with all her ideals intact… is more likely to get hurt here.

See, the bad guys here are hidden because everyone goes to Mass, signs up for an Adoration hour, goes to Theology classes, and has some kind of "lightning bolt of providence" story.  And I'm sure these guys are essentially good people – they're juststupid when it comes to relationships.  So they lure you in with tales of their struggles for holiness – and then they just stop talking to you.  Or worse.  (And then the respective Households get involved….  It can be messy.)

Brother-sister relationships abound.  Which I'm happy about – I'm putting together a whole family over here!  But girls actively seeking their knight-in-shining armor get hurt real fast.

So if you're going to college for your MRS degree, you may want to look elsewhere.  I mean, my philosophy is to not look for an MRS degree.  I think they're earned on a basis of merit, not effort.  More like a scholarship.  I like that – a scholarship to life: 'The MRS Scholarship, funded by Heavenly Father.'

But I digress.

Franciscan University has a lot of problems.  And there are days where the only reason I'm still here….  It's Catholic.  And if you are honestly doing your best to follow God and discern His plan for your life, you can find a very supportive and healthy spiritual community here.  For all its flaws, this school is run on the idea that you can leave this place with a stronger relationship with Christ and a solid foundation to fall back on.  So far, I'm finding that part of the school to be excellent (though it obviously isn't perfect).  And I've got a pretty good head on my shoulders and a lot of grace on my side, thank God.

I've slowly been changing my perspective.  I have to assume that I just might not leave this school on the arm of a man.  With that in mind, I think I can get the most out of and give the most to this school.

But yeah, girls shouldn't come here assuming that their degree won't be terribly important when they graduate – it may be the only thing they have to live on when they leave this place.