Because it's all around you.
Men have a reputation for pornography addiction but women, you know it's attractive to you even when it's one of your own getting abused as hell. And it's not hiding anymore. It's coming out to make huge bucks on VALENTINES DAY. Good Lord help us if that's what we think is romantic.
Suddenly it's there in front of you. I was listening to music on Spotify the other day and an ad for "Forty Shades of Grey" played – and whatever godforsaken noise came through my speakers at the end of that thing horrified me.
And my curiosity was snagged.
And you know it doesn't make sense. I don't know what you saw that first time but then you were curious. You had a thought, you followed it. And then you looked it up again. And then again. And I don't care if you're in a culture that thinks porn is great – you had to be kind of disturbed with what you were seeing at some point. You were a kid afraid of getting caught looking at your uncle's magazine stash or you were anxiously glancing at the door hoping your buddy wouldn't come in just then.
Or you had a moment that said, "I would never let this happen to myself…" … to my sister, to my daughter, to my friend, to my brother, husband, cousin…. I don't just want to be sexually active. I want somebody I can really talk to and understand and love.
And if you haven't thought that, it's okay. You're part of the generation that still wants those things but doesn't believe they happen. But you still kind of melted over that photo of the couple who have been together for 50 years and still flirt with each other, hold hands on the sidewalk, read to each other at night.
Perhaps at this point, you've realized you can't stop. Even if you wanted to, you couldn't. Because even if you decided that what you're doing is wrong (and lots of non-religious people who are sexually flexible are beginning to realize there are real ethical issues with pornography), you get a thought that is fully supported by the beginnings of a desire and before you really know what you're thinking about, you're looking at it.
And five hours go down the drain.
Your girlfriend texts you to say, "Hey wazzup?"
Homework, you say. Hanging out with the bros.
Your mom calls to know if you're coming home this weekend. "Yeah, sure, mom, but I gotta go – I'm kinda busy right now."
Let me tell you something, even if you make all kinds of resolutions for yourself at this point – "I won't look up anything having to do with _______; I won't even use YouTube this week; I won't spend more than just this one hour…" – you're lying awake, early in the morning and you think, "Huh, I wonder if…." And you're lost before you knew you were in the woods.
There's hope. I'm told there's hope. Survivors of porn addiction tell me they've regained a lot of control.
They've learned how to say no.
But if you don't know you're already in the trap, you have no chance getting out.
And for sure, it's hard. You think it's innocent fun. You think you need to see to understand. You think it's just this one thing – it's not a big deal. But what is it teaching you? What are you learning? And have you noticed the habits your body is picking up? Those things are hard to shake. And memories, especially the ones you don't really want to remember suddenly, they're on the bookshelves of your brain for a long, long time. And if you think it hasn't touched you yet, it could still choose you. Don't get cocky. It's infiltrating everywhere.
But you're not destined for death just because the trap has you hanging upside down. It's not going to be easy. You can't replace porn with real sex, or dating, or friends, or candy. Porn is far more pleasurable, and the pleasure is more readily attained. It's easier. And it's more or less custom made.
"Not hard enough for you? Well now I'm going to do this."
You're cleaning your room…. You're thinking… thinking of… and then… "I know I said I wasn't going to look at it but… I've got to! I'm already thinking it! Might as well. And I'm only going to look at this page. Okay, I'll check this link. Well, that description sounds strange. They can't really mean– I'd better check it out real quick. Well I just want to know if they have…."
You know. You know.
Come on, man, you've got to break free. Girl, don't just look at it because a feeling inside you wants satisfaction. You can turn down pizza in favor of a salad – turn down porn in favor of something better!
Porn addicts and ex-porn addicts can attest – pornography messes you up. Whatever problems you had before, porn doesn't make it better. And people are starting to realize that porn can have negative medical repercussions as well. Negative sexual repercussions. Negative relational repercussions.
There will always be people in the industry who claim they love their work – women and men who claim they love the sexual drive they experience from being abused and humiliated. There will always be people who claim that pain is the only thing that truly makes them happy. I'm not sure why we've gotten to a point where we can say, "Well, you mean that sexually, so it's okay. You're making money from it so it's okay. It's liberation."
How happy must be the lucky few who are thus liberated.
Thousands more could attest it is not liberation. But they've been told it is.
Realize that you are stuck. Realize that you think it's good for you and that it's actually not. Realize that you can get free. Realize that it is not easy. Realize that a growing number of people are in your boat – and it's getting ready to sink. Row that boat to shore singlehandedly if you have to. Think about all the negative consequences of porn and how much you don't want them. Think about all the things greater than porn and that you want those things.
Then go be that person.
And realize that ultimately, you're okay. It's not your fault that that material was published. It's not your fault that people got into the pornography industry. It's probably not really your fault that you saw it for the first time. It's not your fault that you have bodily desires, and those desires aren't bad. Confusion, addiction are part of the human condition. And while it's not okay to be addicted to pornography, it is okay to be struggling with the addiction. And it is okay to not be perfect right away. It is okay to be you.
Don't give up on you. Other people like you have already paved the way. This is not impossible. You are worth it. You can make it.
