Looking into Households

Franciscan University currently has only one sorority and no fraternities associated with the school.  Instead, the student body is allowed to create within itself small groups called "households."  The website explains:

Households are Spirit empowered, Christ-led groups of three or more Franciscan University students of the same sex who seek to do the will of the Father in their lives. These communities desire to help members grow in body, mind and spirit through mutual support and accountability in the ongoing conversion process exemplified in the life of St. Francis. Through the relationships found in Households, individuals are transformed and develop their capacity to be an evangelizing presence in the University, the Catholic Church and the world.

Ideally, a household is a family that the students can become a part of and always feel welcome and loved.  They are a coming together of likeminded people with similar goals and missions.  The members have common devotions and share spiritual growth.  They make commitments to come together and pray or do service.  The men and women find brothers and sisters respectively that they can count on and turn to.

But of course, there are downsides to household life.  Sometimes you as an individual can acquire a bad reputation just because a fellow household member did something unsavory.  Sometimes a couple breaks up and now you inexplicably find yourself pitted against friends because your household sister's ex is in their household.  A business meeting can go horribly awry, or a fellow household member might suddenly expect you to want to do something you weren't prepared for.

At any rate, if you're looking at households but you're not sure what to look for, here are a few things to consider.

     The Coordinators

Each household has at least one coordinator.  These coordinators are responsible, generally speaking, for pep talks, organizing people and events (such as fundraisers), settling dispute within household, and making sure that the household remains true to itself.  However, coordinators sometimes mistake their personal mission to be the household's mission.  The household's mission does apply to all the members, but sometimes the individual personalities and gifts have their own reflection on this mission.  For example, the coordinator may accidentally misinterpret his/her outgoing nature as a household charism and expect everyone to want to do things the same way he/she does.  They aren't diabolical, and the possibility of it happening shouldn't scare you away, but you have to decide whether you are ready and willing to put up with or contest a coordinator.  But you also have to realize that you have no business attacking a coordinator for trying to do their job and that you have a duty to keep the household united.

    Cliquey

Some households have this problem more than others, and some people don't consider this a problem.  However you view it, some households can seem like an exclusive club from the outside – like members can't be good friends with anyone outside the household and people outside the household can't really be friends with someone in the household – unless it's "charity" or "Christian duty."  Sometimes it's just more like the household takes up so much of your free time that the commitments become the entirety of your social life.  And from my own perspective, households somehow (without meaning to) discourage people from being open with just any old joe they meet in the course of the day.  What I mean is that some people, knowing that they have their household to fall back on, don't go out of their way to be friends with people they run into every day (unless they're trying to attract new people).  If you're looking at households, you may want to identify the households that do this and decide if you are okay with that and if you would be one of those people, or maybe if you could help fix that.

     Intentship

Every household has a different intent process.  When you want to join a household you have to "intent."  What you have to do after that varies – added prayer times, added commitments, scavenger hunts, waiting period.  Find out as much as you can about this process and decide if you're okay with it or not.  If you're not sure you want to do all that stuff, it might be an opportunity for growth.  But don't feel you have to force it.  It might not be worth it to you.  Usually the induction ceremony is a carefully guarded secret.  But I'm pretty sure coordinators will have to tell you if you feel you need to know how comfortable you'll be with that ritual.  (Note: the induction process has to be approved and should not be offensive or questionable.  It may involve affirmations or sharing of life stories, Scripture and blessings, candles, etc..)

     Covenants

Each household has a covenant: "A household’s foundation is a written pledge that expresses the common commitment and spiritual identity of the household. The members of a household refer to this pledge as their household covenant."  The extent to which a household stands by their covenant varies – sometimes semester by semester.  This doesn't have to be a deal breaker, but you should try to observe what kind of significance the covenant plays in the lives of the household members.  Do they involve themselves in ministries?  Do they even know the details of their covenant?  And then decide what significance that has to you.

     Role Models

Whatever the size of the household, I strongly advise that you look for people who can be role models to you and then figure out if they will be around much longer.  If there are wise, levelheaded, and mature members, the household is more likely to grow spiritually and stand by its covenant.  Sometimes the oldest (by membership or age) aren't the spiritual, moral, or emotional leaders in the group.  You decide who you look up to and also see which members tend to be decision makers, which ones tend to be quiet and logical, which ones tend to be opinionated, and which ones tend to be troublemakers or drama queens.  And then figure out how this will relate to you.

     The Household as a Whole

Of course, the household itself – its charisms, its mission, and its presence on campus – are extremely important.  If intercession has a place in your heart and St. Louis de Montfort's consecration doesn't really appeal to you, then that should affect your decision.  But if you then look at the members of a promising household and decide that the current circumstances are not conducive to your spiritual growth or mission, that should weigh on your decision as well.  Of course the thing about households is that they are made up of students who are spending (usually) only about four or five years there, so a household can change with a semester.  New coordinators, new members, new challenges, new blessings.

So if you are looking at households but you're not sure exactly what to look for, keep these six things in mind: the coordinators, the household social life, the intentship, integrity to the covenant, the other members, and how the whole household fits together.

As a note on my own experience and where I stand, I intented and dropped my intentship before I became a member.  In the end, I decided that household life was not what I was looking for.  As I try to further develop and understand my own identity, I did not want my reputation to be wrapped up in the reputation of a household.  I also don't like household drama – intra- and inter-.  I like that households encourage small communities like families, but I have found that they tend to exclude outsiders to some extent (however slight), which I do not like even in the name of fostering the members.  There was more than one reason behind my decision to back out, but I especially want to be able to be open and welcoming as equally as possible to everyone on campus, which I felt would be harder to do if I was associated with a household and their reputation and secrets before I was associated with myself as an individual person.  That is my spiritual mission in life.

That just happens to be what I'm looking for.  But I still think that households can be very good for those who wish for that community and spiritual family.  As you choose one, you may decide that one of my pointers is less important to you than the others, and if that's the case, I have no problem with that.  But if you're still trying to decide what you want from a household, here are some things to think about.

Good luck!  There are a lot of good households to choose from.

Living Lent

Today's readings are, I think, very relevant for the beginning of Lent.  I especially had in mind emulators of St. Francis of Asissi and other charismatic Christians when I heard this reading.  Of course, I examined myself, too, and it made me think.

Lent is a time of preparation to renew our baptismal vows.  I know that for me, Ash Wednesday is a real test of my faith.  I have fasted many times before, even voluntarily, but something about Ash Wednesday every year, I realize that my faith is not necessarily going to be easy.  I have been especially focused on the martyrs lately and it just made me realize... I could be faced withe choice to suffer greatly.

I was in the city today and I wanted so badly to buy food as I walked through the city and try different delectables.  But it is Ash Wednesday.  The Church decreed that Catholics must fast on Ash Wednesday.  And I didn't wanna.  But I did anyway -- and this was not even that big of a sacrafice really.  I was just choosing to not eat between meals.

So if that speaks to you this year, reflect on it a bit.  There are Christians who were flayed alive, dipped in oil, cut in pieces -- and they could have averted their torture easily but did not.  I hope I could be that strong, but I certainly do not want to be flayed alive.

But that is not what today's Gospel got me thinking about.

"Beware of practicing your piety before men in order to be seen by them; for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven."

I have found -- maybe you have experienced this -- that some people brag about their Lenten sacrifices or just go around like it is a status symbol.  St. Francis said, "Preach the Gospel at all times.  When necessary use words."  This is very good advice, but I feel like we can throw it out the window when it comes to Lenten sacrifices.  We'd run the risk of approaching Lent the wrong way.  My goal is to discourage the idea that Lenten sacrifices are about showing the world something.

Because ultimately, the point of Lenten sacrifices is to prepare ourselves and our world for Christ's Passion, Death, and Resurrection.  It is not about telling ourselves and everyone around us that, "IT IS LENT."  It is more important to get to the root of our sins and the root of what distracts us from Christ.

A priest at Mass today told us, "I don't care about how many times you did it.  I care about why you did it.  What is the source?  That's what you need to repent."

During Lent, you can give up chocolate or Facebook if you want to and if it would be effective for your spiritual life in some way (which I am sure it would be).  But more importantly, maybe you should focus on your sins, on reevaluating your spiritual life and your relationship with God.

We do not "disfigure our faces" but we sometimes get caught up in the thrill of Lent, if you could call it that.  "Argh!  I can't eat that!" or "Aw man, I gave that up but I want it so bad!"  What kind of sacifice is it if you complain about it and boast to your friends?  Or if you make a big show of your Holy Hour or your extra Masses and prayer?  Are you doing it for the show and the way it will outwardly and superficially effect your life?  Or are you doing it to become holier and prepare to be more properly receptive to the fullness of the Triduum?

I don't know if I am getting my point across.

If you are amongst other Christians or Catholics especially, it is tempting to make Lent a thing of show.  And yes, of course, your faith shouldn't be a private, hidden activity; but your faith should not become visible during Lent.  It should be becoming real.  If it is real, it will come through on its own.

"So let your light shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven."

Light the light and let it shine.  Don't let your spiritual life be recognized for your sacifices but for your love and joy:

"By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

"The prospect of the righteous is joy."

#NoFearNovember

There's a new month-long event going around on Franciscan campus.  It's called No Fear November! What is this thing, which has a name so enticing?  Franciscan University students wondered, waiting for the first of the month to come.  Rumors whispered about from one person to the other – and finally they were proved to be true.

No Fear November is a dating awareness month.  That's right, dating awareness.  Now, that's my term for it – I haven't seen it officially described that way – but I think the designation more-or-less accurately describes the hopes and dreams resting on this month's theme.

"Dating awareness month"?  If whatever this means to you doesn't seem like a bad idea, let me explain why it seems so to me.

First, I suppose, I need to explain what it is.  Here are a few websites to check out:

http://nofearnovember.tumblr.com

http://kyletmurphy.blogspot.com/2013/10/no-fear-november.html

http://kyletmurphy.blogspot.com/2013/11/no-fear-november-part-2.html

Keep in mind when you're reading these pages, that I have not read every word.  I believe them to be safe for a general teenage+ audience, but I will not address all their points in this article.  Perhaps another time, I will read them through and write my thoughts on them, word by word.  But for now, I've only skimmed them quickly; if you read them and wish to bring up some of the arguments, please leave a comment.

Basically, the idea is that the dating scene at Franciscan sucks.  Not only are the numbers severely unbalanced (far more women than men), but also, the number of mature young women and men is pathetic.  This includes women from freshmen year to graduate students!  I've been very disappointed to not find enough role models here at this Catholic college.  This manifests itself in a lot of areas, but one of the most painful areas is the the dating scene.

The reasons for this may be many, but it is not fully clear.  Relationships, as anyone ought to know, are not black and white.  People in a relationship give of themselves in a special and especially trusting way – or so it should be.  It follows that if the relationship goes sour, one or both of the parties is hurt in a uniquely painful way.  But also, the whole "Christian dating" thing has become very confusing over the years.  Some guidelines have said that Christians should not date unless they plan to marry the other person.  Some guidelines have very strict gender roles.  Physical and emotional boundaries, as well as how to do what when, might even be laid out with given time expectations.  Couples should increase how often they pray individually and spend plenty of time praying together.  Since these rules do not take personal maturity into account and severely limit the possibilities of a relationship (which should be based on the gifts and limitations of the two), perhaps Frannies are having a hard time developing real and mature romantic relationships.

And so that is the first objection to these "new dating rules" – they are rules.  To be fair, they are proposed as "guidelines," and I suppose that some people need them.  But I balk at rules for relationships.  If you still need rules to help you interact with people at age 20, I fear for your future.

And that's the other part of it.  I am in college.  I am supposed to be an adult.  Everyone here is supposed to be an adult.  Granted, many are not.  I cannot even claim that I am always as mature as I should be.  But there is a common complaint about the Franciscan campus, that it is like being stuck in high school.  Student Life instructing the student body how to date seems to only intensify that feeling.

Now on the other hand, the men on this campus are not really men most of the time.  Many could use a nudge, or a push, or even a shove in the right direction.  And the same goes for women!  Since, however, there has been so much controversy around No Fear November, I have to wonder if the theme has done anyone any good.  It seems a good guess that the good guys are going to continue to be great, and the not so great guys are not going to learn from posters hung up in strategic locations all over campus.  Grown-up ladies will continue to keep their heads on straight… and bulletin notices will not calm an anxious and hormonal teenager.  No Fear November has sparked such controversy and negativity, too, forcing me to doubt that these guidelines will be taken seriously at all.

That all being said, I would like to admit that I recently started dating.  My boyfriend was very upfront about how he felt, but not pushy.  He was honest but he did not demand anything from me.  On the flip side, I tried to respect his feelings, while at the same time I wanted to be honest with him about how I felt (and I have to admit I didn't exactly jump on the bandwagon right away).  Eventually, we got to the point where we both decided it was time to be official.  But the relevant detail here is that it was built on communication – and I don't mean a passionate out-pouring of our souls, which could only have been embarrassing (and not, I think, very mature); rather, I mean an honest, straightforward, and simple explanation that, hey, "this is where I'm at right now."

And I think – ultimately, ideally – that is what No Fear November is hoped to encourage.  Two people being open to each other within the boundaries of respect.  Will the students at Franciscan University ever figure that out?  I don't know.  Do the students at any college have that figured out?  Debatable.  I consider myself very lucky, because I didn't necessarily have it figured out, but I seem to have met a man who does.  May you all have the same good fortune.

So after examining the situation, I have come up with my own solution to the dating problem.  It is not very complicated.  It does not take that long to comprehend, but perhaps a lifetime to learn.  It is something that toddlers cannot have, teenagers all too often seem incapable of, and most adults need to have in order to live a functional life.  It is a good friend of mine called MATURITY.

And wisdom.  Pray for wisdom.

Busting Franciscan Myths

"I mean, I'm mostly going to college to find a husband."

Don't come to Franciscan.  According to THIS SITE and one other, the boy/girl ratio is between 40/60 and 30/70.  There are a lot of girls.  A lot of girls, especially compared to so few guys!

I know: "I'm hoping to find a good Catholic husband, so where better than at a great Catholic college?"  Yeah, well, good theory, but Catholicism doesn't come with automatic awesomeness.  It'd be nice if it did, wouldn't it?  You may know a person who is Catholic and seemingly devout but has so many character flaws you wish they were atheist so you could "convert" them.  From my view on this campus, Franciscan seems to be the preferred and chosen college for this type of person.

Smoking and drinking are not foreign to this campus.  You have to know the right people in order to get really stoned, but it's not hard to find them – just listen to the right people talking about, well, the wrong people.  Smokers stand outside every building.  …Not constantly, but you'll see a few on a daily basis if you're paying attention.

Smoking is not inherently evil, so far as I can figure (although I hear tell that cigarettes are really, really bad for you).  But it has been my limited experience that most of the guys standing outside in "smoking rings" on a regular basis – cigarettes, cigars, or pipes – are charter members of the group of guys that smart girls are learning not to dream about.

So smoking is directly related to weak character?  Well, no, I can't prove that.  It could be that the majority of the campus male population is of weak character; in which case, it would naturally follow that the campus male smoker population would be largely dominated by this type….  After all, there are plenty of stay-away-from-hims that don't smoke or drink every Friday night.

But that's just a taste of what you'll find on the Franciscan campus.

City on a hill?  Salt of the earth?  Light of the world?  Certainly, all those things.  The Franciscan Friars are so adorable and so powerful and so life changing/challenging.  The witness of a chapel full of young adults singing to God four Masses a Sunday, three a weekday is breathtaking.  Perpetual Adoration, Students for Life, The Harmonium Project, Red Light Ministry… and whatever else we have going on 'round here – sometimes it's hard to keep track of it all.

At the same time, we've got Households that are known more for their off-campus parties than for their spirituality; we have sexual assault investigations and guys banned from certain all-girl's dorms; we've had students kicked out for drug activity; there are Freshman couples hooking up within the first one or two weeks of school and breaking up because one or the other is "struggling with their spirituality;" we're overflowing with flirt action hidden under the pick-up line: "I want to guard your heart."  (See THIS page for campus crime statistics.)

Finding a man on campus?  The majority of the girls in my acquaintance who will be graduated this year are going out into the world without marriage plans, without an engagement ring, without even a boyfriend.  A lot of relationships that happen are not particularly mature or prepared for marriage.  Yes, there is the occasional sophomore marriage – but believe me, it looks more insane than it does romantic.  A lot of people collapse, after a long day here, among their closest friends, and admit, "This place is like high school all over again."

If you want diversity, you won't find it here.  There are only a few black people; most people are moderately chill Catholics split about equally between the charismatics and… not charismatics; a lot of geeks and nerds, as well as geek and nerd wannabes; hardcore partiers and smokers, rebels, and cool people are the severe minority; and then there are the small populations of blatantly "traditional" Catholics and "full-length-skirt-addicts."  Most people more or less dress the same – the jocks and drama queens being pretty much the only exception – and frisbee is the thing.

Babies are cute; friars and other religious are celebrities; discernment into religious life merits a huge celebration; and a day when it isn't raining is everyone's dream.

Oh – and I should mention the huge homosexual community.

In some respects, it's just like any other campus.

But a good girl with all her ideals intact… is more likely to get hurt here.

See, the bad guys here are hidden because everyone goes to Mass, signs up for an Adoration hour, goes to Theology classes, and has some kind of "lightning bolt of providence" story.  And I'm sure these guys are essentially good people – they're juststupid when it comes to relationships.  So they lure you in with tales of their struggles for holiness – and then they just stop talking to you.  Or worse.  (And then the respective Households get involved….  It can be messy.)

Brother-sister relationships abound.  Which I'm happy about – I'm putting together a whole family over here!  But girls actively seeking their knight-in-shining armor get hurt real fast.

So if you're going to college for your MRS degree, you may want to look elsewhere.  I mean, my philosophy is to not look for an MRS degree.  I think they're earned on a basis of merit, not effort.  More like a scholarship.  I like that – a scholarship to life: 'The MRS Scholarship, funded by Heavenly Father.'

But I digress.

Franciscan University has a lot of problems.  And there are days where the only reason I'm still here….  It's Catholic.  And if you are honestly doing your best to follow God and discern His plan for your life, you can find a very supportive and healthy spiritual community here.  For all its flaws, this school is run on the idea that you can leave this place with a stronger relationship with Christ and a solid foundation to fall back on.  So far, I'm finding that part of the school to be excellent (though it obviously isn't perfect).  And I've got a pretty good head on my shoulders and a lot of grace on my side, thank God.

I've slowly been changing my perspective.  I have to assume that I just might not leave this school on the arm of a man.  With that in mind, I think I can get the most out of and give the most to this school.

But yeah, girls shouldn't come here assuming that their degree won't be terribly important when they graduate – it may be the only thing they have to live on when they leave this place.