Modesty is About Self-Objectification

http://msmagazine.com/blog/2013/05/24/what-do-dress-codes-say-about-girls-bodies/

Girls usually know, when they dress, that a low-cut or a short seam is going to draw special attention.  Even if they are "good girls" and have no intention of losing their virginity, girls know when their clothing is seductive.  They may not think in those terms, but they know when their cleavage is going to be distracting.

But what will be distracting also depends on the time, occasion, and culture.  What is acceptable in some warmer-climate cultures is not in a New England town.

The importance of modesty lies in whether a girl is objectifying herself.  It's not really about whether men are going to be turned on – they need help learning to respect women as persons.  Modesty is really about women being seen as objects, and that starts with their own self-image.

#NoFearNovember

There's a new month-long event going around on Franciscan campus.  It's called No Fear November! What is this thing, which has a name so enticing?  Franciscan University students wondered, waiting for the first of the month to come.  Rumors whispered about from one person to the other – and finally they were proved to be true.

No Fear November is a dating awareness month.  That's right, dating awareness.  Now, that's my term for it – I haven't seen it officially described that way – but I think the designation more-or-less accurately describes the hopes and dreams resting on this month's theme.

"Dating awareness month"?  If whatever this means to you doesn't seem like a bad idea, let me explain why it seems so to me.

First, I suppose, I need to explain what it is.  Here are a few websites to check out:

http://nofearnovember.tumblr.com

http://kyletmurphy.blogspot.com/2013/10/no-fear-november.html

http://kyletmurphy.blogspot.com/2013/11/no-fear-november-part-2.html

Keep in mind when you're reading these pages, that I have not read every word.  I believe them to be safe for a general teenage+ audience, but I will not address all their points in this article.  Perhaps another time, I will read them through and write my thoughts on them, word by word.  But for now, I've only skimmed them quickly; if you read them and wish to bring up some of the arguments, please leave a comment.

Basically, the idea is that the dating scene at Franciscan sucks.  Not only are the numbers severely unbalanced (far more women than men), but also, the number of mature young women and men is pathetic.  This includes women from freshmen year to graduate students!  I've been very disappointed to not find enough role models here at this Catholic college.  This manifests itself in a lot of areas, but one of the most painful areas is the the dating scene.

The reasons for this may be many, but it is not fully clear.  Relationships, as anyone ought to know, are not black and white.  People in a relationship give of themselves in a special and especially trusting way – or so it should be.  It follows that if the relationship goes sour, one or both of the parties is hurt in a uniquely painful way.  But also, the whole "Christian dating" thing has become very confusing over the years.  Some guidelines have said that Christians should not date unless they plan to marry the other person.  Some guidelines have very strict gender roles.  Physical and emotional boundaries, as well as how to do what when, might even be laid out with given time expectations.  Couples should increase how often they pray individually and spend plenty of time praying together.  Since these rules do not take personal maturity into account and severely limit the possibilities of a relationship (which should be based on the gifts and limitations of the two), perhaps Frannies are having a hard time developing real and mature romantic relationships.

And so that is the first objection to these "new dating rules" – they are rules.  To be fair, they are proposed as "guidelines," and I suppose that some people need them.  But I balk at rules for relationships.  If you still need rules to help you interact with people at age 20, I fear for your future.

And that's the other part of it.  I am in college.  I am supposed to be an adult.  Everyone here is supposed to be an adult.  Granted, many are not.  I cannot even claim that I am always as mature as I should be.  But there is a common complaint about the Franciscan campus, that it is like being stuck in high school.  Student Life instructing the student body how to date seems to only intensify that feeling.

Now on the other hand, the men on this campus are not really men most of the time.  Many could use a nudge, or a push, or even a shove in the right direction.  And the same goes for women!  Since, however, there has been so much controversy around No Fear November, I have to wonder if the theme has done anyone any good.  It seems a good guess that the good guys are going to continue to be great, and the not so great guys are not going to learn from posters hung up in strategic locations all over campus.  Grown-up ladies will continue to keep their heads on straight… and bulletin notices will not calm an anxious and hormonal teenager.  No Fear November has sparked such controversy and negativity, too, forcing me to doubt that these guidelines will be taken seriously at all.

That all being said, I would like to admit that I recently started dating.  My boyfriend was very upfront about how he felt, but not pushy.  He was honest but he did not demand anything from me.  On the flip side, I tried to respect his feelings, while at the same time I wanted to be honest with him about how I felt (and I have to admit I didn't exactly jump on the bandwagon right away).  Eventually, we got to the point where we both decided it was time to be official.  But the relevant detail here is that it was built on communication – and I don't mean a passionate out-pouring of our souls, which could only have been embarrassing (and not, I think, very mature); rather, I mean an honest, straightforward, and simple explanation that, hey, "this is where I'm at right now."

And I think – ultimately, ideally – that is what No Fear November is hoped to encourage.  Two people being open to each other within the boundaries of respect.  Will the students at Franciscan University ever figure that out?  I don't know.  Do the students at any college have that figured out?  Debatable.  I consider myself very lucky, because I didn't necessarily have it figured out, but I seem to have met a man who does.  May you all have the same good fortune.

So after examining the situation, I have come up with my own solution to the dating problem.  It is not very complicated.  It does not take that long to comprehend, but perhaps a lifetime to learn.  It is something that toddlers cannot have, teenagers all too often seem incapable of, and most adults need to have in order to live a functional life.  It is a good friend of mine called MATURITY.

And wisdom.  Pray for wisdom.

Manliness

An interesting perspective on manliness:

http://www.artofmanliness.com/2008/03/20/so-you-want-to-become-a-man/

Halloween is EVIL

Did you miss Halloween this year because it's devil worship?  Read this article:

http://www.ucatholic.com/blog/the-catholic-origins-of-halloween/

(I do not claim any credibility for this article.)

But outside of that and simplifying the issue, dressing up as something does not worship anyone.  Sometimes, when you dress up as someone or something, it is in a mocking manner.  Children can become obsessed and devoted to someone or something in many different ways.  I think if children are taught that such an alluring practice as dressing up as a ghost is an evil act, during rebellious stages, they will be inclined to throw themselves further into such things than if they had been brought up moderately.  That which is forbidden is more enticing.

I know some families allow their children to dress up as a monster for Halloween as long as they dress up as a saint for All Saint's Day.  I suppose that is one way to handle the situation.

But remember, on Halloween, some people dress up as angels or dinosaurs – neither of which are evil.  (Halloween can simply be a time when the kids get to take dress-up to a whole new level.  And get candy for it!)  I know that some families miss out on Halloween because they refuse to take part in something with evil origins.  But others just don't like the idea of their children dressing up as something evil.  I propose to you that since true evil is so different from a costume you can find at a store, it doesn't really have any correlation.

It's also rather small to assume that if someone does not abhor and cannot stand representations of evil, that they are not sensitive to it and have no moral awareness.  Such is not always the case, in my experience.  I cannot personally endure horror films and certain Halloween decor makes me squeamish.  But I am very close to some people who are very familiar with this stuff and it doesn't affect them.  Are they insensitive and cruel?  No, and you know why?  Because they are able to distinguish the representation from reality.  True stories of abuse and corruption anger them; but representations mean little to them because they are representations.  They are fake.

Such is Halloween.  I think – and you may contest this – that if children are brought up celebrating Halloween, taught that it is fake, and warned against the real thing, that Halloween will lose a lot of that potency some create for it out of fear.  Laugh at the devil – he has no power over us, Christ has won.

[the one titled] You Can Totally Be Content Being Single

Oh What We'll Do

It's a pain only a Spotify listener can know.  It aches; it throbs; and it goes on and on.  It's called the Endometriosis Spotify ad.

"Stop right there – something spoke to you?"

The ads on Spotify annoy me incredibly.  Sometimes you hear the same two ads over and over and over again for three hours.  And often times, it appears that you can listen to music for half-an-hour without a single break for an ad.  Other times, only two songs play before a commercial pops in.  And do I even need to mention the condom ad?  And how are half these commercials relevant to me?

Many of them are creative, I'll give them that.  An orange juice playlist to get me dancing?  That certainly stood out to me.

But oh, the things we'll put up with in order to listen to our music.  And it's funny, because there are many other listening options.  FM radio is the traditional one.  Pandora is a convenient option, with playlists all set and ready to go for you; and Songza is your ever ready slave, presenting time- and day-relevant genres.  And Songza doesn't have audio ads.  And there are more and more online stations and phone apps every day.

But music snobs would much rather put up with the same three annoying commercials than lose their music selection.  They would much rather slave for hours to perfect their playlists than play one already set to go for them.

We are such bratty, spoiled snobs after all.

Feminism Makes Women Miserable

Wait, women don't have to have a career to be happy?  Who'dathunk?

http://dailycaller.com/2013/10/23/godfather-of-hipsterdom-feminism-makes-women-miserable/

Important Information Concerning Relationship Steps

http://cbmw.org/men/manhood/were-just-talking/

This article describes a relationship status that I've seen many times on Franciscan campus.  It is not a healthy or helpful step, as far as I can see, and not terribly mature of either party.  You either are pursuing a relationship or you're not.  Each individual needs to make that personal decision and feel out the relationship carefully to see if there is truly something deeper going on there.  Wishful thinking does not count as "a very real possibility."  Relationships, of any kind, are mature decisions made in good time.

Ridiculous Facebook

Hello world. I have something oh so important to share with you. Let's see who reads this to the end. Please copy and paste this onto your own wall. We'll see who my friends are and really reads this. DO NOT SHARE – copy and paste. Because that is a true sign of friendship. You might ignore me every single day but if you copy and paste this then I will know you are my friend. Even if you have been through all my rough moments with me, this will be the sure sign of our friendship. And just to make this more fun, use one word to say how we first met (because I don't remember).

You are Beautiful

I know I tend see the clouds to every silver lining, but every time a guy makes some form of media message that says, "Girls, you are beautiful, and loved, and valuable," I can't help but think, "So you've told me. But what are you?"

Are you a gentleman? Do you know you are loved by God despite all your mistakes, despite all your fears, despite where you came from, where you are, and where you're going? Do you know you are more than your swag, more than the company you've kept, more than your girlfriend? And do you conduct yourself and treat others like you deserve respect and dignity? What are you doing to teach your brothers that they have a new chance every day to be holy and righteous? Do you believe that men have an important place in this world? Do you believe that you deserve love, that you can love and be loved, and that you ARE loved?

I'm a girl who knows what it is like to doubt self worth. But teach your brothers to know their true worth and girls might begin to believe in their own.

My Blog Entry About Facebook

Attention Facebook users!  Below is a rant about putting rants on Facebook.

People need to understand that ranting on Facebook, especially about other's behavior on Facebook, is NOT A GOOD IDEA.  It's like going to a party with friends and spending the whole evening telling everyone why you don't like parties.  It's rude and does two things:

1. You affirm those people who agree with you

2. You insult those people who like parties

You convince no one.  You hurt many.  Publicly.

If you are protesting against the things people post on Facebook, just TAKE THEM OFF your newsfeed.  If you post publicly that you don't like their statuses, you're going to lose a lot of friends.  Facebook is utilized to share what is going on, including thoughts, with many friends instantly, and people do just that.  If you don't like what they share, GET OFF Facebook.  Ranting that you don't like other people's statuses does only two things:

1. It encourages others who agree with you that they are "better" than those people

2. It insults those people who are the perpetrators because they were sharing something about themselves with you and you criticized it

This is truth.

Facebook is a website that you have the choice to look at or not.  If you can't get away from statuses that bug the heck out of you, remove the offenders from your newsfeed and, if necessary, put them on your Restricted list.  They will NEVER KNOW.

If you are trying to evangelize, I applaud your efforts.  But in declaring war against something in a tiny status on Facebook, you do two things:

1. You please your friends who agree with you (which in some cases is the majority of the people who will see the status anyway)

2. You offend, and increase the stubbornness, of those friends who disagree

Facebook is not a great place to have a debate.  That's not Facebook's function, and it fails in its usefulness when used thusly.  Perhaps another subtler, more effective method of evangelizing would be more to your purpose.

If you must rant, GET A BLOG.  I have three and they're great.  Start an anonymous blog, if you like, and post a link to your blog entry about Facebook – no one has to know that you're talking about your friends.  Unless you tell them.  Which is about as rude as posting it publicly on Facebook.  FACEBOOK is about SHARING, but so is any conversation, and a well-adjusted person should know better than to insult friends in front of other people.

Or you could tell your friends how you feel sometime, in person, casually, privately.  Politely.  Considerately.

But that's too much trouble.  So if you don't want a blog, I guess you can be rude on Facebook as a last resort.

So ends rant.

–An ironic, satirical rant about Facebook meant to hurt no one and intended to cause a laugh or two.  I have a right to my opinion but I don't HATE those who disagree with me.  I'm a Christian and I don't hate.  God LOVES EVERYONE.

If you're not at least smirking by this point, I'm very sorry to have wasted your time.  The ironic thing is I'm not really even taking my own point. . . .

Life Lessons on Life's Lane

"Faithless is he who says farewell when the road darkens," said Gimli.

If there is only one thing in this world that I leave my mark on when I die, I hope it is friendship.  Friendship – that painful, powerful thing that can strengthen a fortress or break a soul.  It stems from love, from loyalty, from duty and dedication.  Friendship can be a smile, no matter the weather, or it can be breaking your back to bear heavy burdens.

I think dying for one is more important than living for many.

But perhaps I'm a fool.

Friendship is tight, close bonds that no one and nothing can break.  Friendship is listening for five minutes to someone on the bus or on the sidewalk – someone in the hallway, the lunchroom, the supermarket.  Friendship is wishing the good of another; it is hoping beyond rumors.  It is love and it is loyalty to man – but not as a collective group; for there, friendship is not relevant.  Friendship is relevant on the personal, individual level.  Where the person is involved, rather than the people, friendship is everything.  Or nothing.  It either is… or it isn't.  Friendship isn't "here one day, not so much the next."  That is not selflessness, which is the essence of friendship.

"Maybe," said Elrond, "but let him not vow to walk in the dark, who has not seen the nightfall."

Friendship says this: "I will walk the path of life with you, no matter what is waiting there."  It does not say, "I shall fight all thy battles whilst thou rest thy golden head upon thy silken pillow."  That is not inherently found in the meaning of friendship.  It does not say, "I will go wheresoever you will go," for there are many decisions that we cannot make but which are made by others.  Friendship does say, "Wherever you go, whatever you do – I am here to give what grace God has through me to give you."

Life is a walk we must all take; why ignore the other travelers?  If even one person does not glean wisdom from the other hikers and share what supplies he has, the journey will be hindered.  If everyone on the path gave everything they had to helping each other along, each person would have the chance to get the most out of the journey.

In one sense, abandonment of our fellow man is impossible, save through death.  Even though limitations, weaknesses, and obstacles may vary per traveler, the goal is the same – happiness and peace in this life and the next.  What is there to gain from keeping your resources to yourself?  That only makes the journey that much lonelier, that much harder.

Nightfall will come; may as well vow to walk in the dark.  "Yet sworn word may strengthen quaking heart."

Speaking practically:

Of course, you must chose your friends carefully.  I have heard this wisdom many times.  But there are very few legitimate reasons to actually avoid a certain person.  Whenever you decide to keep your life utterly separate from someone else's life, you ought to have exhausted every other healthy possibility in which you can give of yourself for them.  If all that fails, you still have prayer.

Pray.  Pray that they find happiness.  Pray that they find God and grow in holiness.  Pray that they are granted every grace, including knowledge of God's will.  But I strongly caution against specifically praying that a person change their mind or behavior.  Sometimes, you may be right (such as for abortion or drugs or suicide).  But other times, all you're really doing is fueling your pride: "God, Bobby Joe is convinced that he must do this ministry.  It's going to take a lot of his time and really stress him out.  He's already doing so much, and he seems to take ministry more seriously than his relationships.  I just pray that you turn his head around and show him the way."  The problem here is that, even if you know Bobby Joe inside and out, you may still be wrong about the situation.  Remember that you are not the one calling the shots.  Pray God's will be done; pray that Bobby Joe know God's love and wisdom in all he does.

Setting boundaries is sometimes necessary.

But always, always you should ask, "What does God want me to do for this person?  What grace has God given me that can help this person?"

And what lessons does this person have for you?

I Don't Wait

Perhaps this is why I've never been inclined to wear one – I had never stopped to put my thoughts into words, but if I had, I hope it would have sounded like this:

http://gracefortheroad.com/2012/02/03/idontwait/

Confidence Quotes

...And why I hate them.

"In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different."  But each of us is different.

Now, if I met a guy and I found myself trying to be like him to get his attention – or the same with a girl – then this quote might be useful.  But most of the time, we are different just the way we are.  But it's  our similarities, not our differences, which bring us together.

I understand the point of this quote – it's to say that you shouldn't be ashamed to be different.  But I think the only people who care about this quote are taking it for more than that.  I've seen far too many people using quotes like this to back up behavior that needs to be reigned in.  We've all seen it – in real life and in movies or television.  It's ridiculous.  They're super opinionated, loud, obnoxious, and too strong-minded.  These people were born this way, anyway, but quotes about being different make people forget that there is such a thing as rudeness, such a thing as relating to other people.

"If you've never lost your mind then you've never followed your heart."  So my heart is trying to send me to a lunatic asylum?

The times that I have lost my mind have not been pleasant.  Yeah, I guess you could say I was following my heart….  If that's the way you want to put it, then I'm not totally sure that following your heart is a good thing.

This quote could mean something else by "lost your mind," I suppose, but I'm not sure what.  If it is trying to tell me that I will feel insanely happy and light as a feather, then I will believe that when I get there.  But I hardly think that feeling is guaranteed to come with following my heart.  I might do something dumb, but again, this quote is based on the presumed premise that following your heart is the epitome of great things!  And so far, the evidence is pointing to the opposite.

"I like flaws and am most comfortable around those who have them.  I, myself, and made up entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."  This one just blows my mind.

You're most comfortable around people who have flaws?  …Do you have a limit?  Like, if you're with people who don't give a darn about you or anything else, doesn't that bother you?  Are you comfortable with murderers and thieves and whatnot?  Are you comfortable with people who swear and disrespect people?

Okay, anyone who stands behind this quote probably doesn't mean it to that extent.  But this quote seems to show to me only the most refined pride.  "I've made mistakes, but I'm proud of them because I meant well.  Who cares that I've hurt people, sold myself short, or reaped consequences?  I meant well. And no one is perfect."  No, no one is perfect, but I'm going to keep trying to be, if you don't mind; and I'm sorry for my mistakes.  If I meant well, that only shows a lack of wisdom on my part….

I understand the good intentions behind motivational quotes, but after a point, they work against their own end.  If all you ever hear is that you are fine the way you are, that you should be as different from everyone else as you can, that following your heart is the most important thing in the whole world – you start to fall short even of what you yourself want for yourself.  You stop striving for more; stop striving for a better you, for unity with creation, for wisdom and righteousness.

I've mentioned before that affirmation drives me crazy because it feels extravagant and fake.  It's kind of the same thing going on here.  These are great ideas to ponder over, but I cringe whenever I see people gluing their lives to them.  When people are married to quotes that glorify these shallow ideas, I want to cry.  These people are on a road to self-destruction, and I'm also finding them very hard to get along with.  Some people get a long way on these things, I realize, but I can't help but wonder what kind of existence that is.

Not to mention that psychology says that it rarely helps to overly build up the ego.  It often has the opposite effect ultimately.

I'm all for bettering self-images and improving society's message, but something subtler and more penetrating and better balanced would be so much better.

Busting Franciscan Myths

"I mean, I'm mostly going to college to find a husband."

Don't come to Franciscan.  According to THIS SITE and one other, the boy/girl ratio is between 40/60 and 30/70.  There are a lot of girls.  A lot of girls, especially compared to so few guys!

I know: "I'm hoping to find a good Catholic husband, so where better than at a great Catholic college?"  Yeah, well, good theory, but Catholicism doesn't come with automatic awesomeness.  It'd be nice if it did, wouldn't it?  You may know a person who is Catholic and seemingly devout but has so many character flaws you wish they were atheist so you could "convert" them.  From my view on this campus, Franciscan seems to be the preferred and chosen college for this type of person.

Smoking and drinking are not foreign to this campus.  You have to know the right people in order to get really stoned, but it's not hard to find them – just listen to the right people talking about, well, the wrong people.  Smokers stand outside every building.  …Not constantly, but you'll see a few on a daily basis if you're paying attention.

Smoking is not inherently evil, so far as I can figure (although I hear tell that cigarettes are really, really bad for you).  But it has been my limited experience that most of the guys standing outside in "smoking rings" on a regular basis – cigarettes, cigars, or pipes – are charter members of the group of guys that smart girls are learning not to dream about.

So smoking is directly related to weak character?  Well, no, I can't prove that.  It could be that the majority of the campus male population is of weak character; in which case, it would naturally follow that the campus male smoker population would be largely dominated by this type….  After all, there are plenty of stay-away-from-hims that don't smoke or drink every Friday night.

But that's just a taste of what you'll find on the Franciscan campus.

City on a hill?  Salt of the earth?  Light of the world?  Certainly, all those things.  The Franciscan Friars are so adorable and so powerful and so life changing/challenging.  The witness of a chapel full of young adults singing to God four Masses a Sunday, three a weekday is breathtaking.  Perpetual Adoration, Students for Life, The Harmonium Project, Red Light Ministry… and whatever else we have going on 'round here – sometimes it's hard to keep track of it all.

At the same time, we've got Households that are known more for their off-campus parties than for their spirituality; we have sexual assault investigations and guys banned from certain all-girl's dorms; we've had students kicked out for drug activity; there are Freshman couples hooking up within the first one or two weeks of school and breaking up because one or the other is "struggling with their spirituality;" we're overflowing with flirt action hidden under the pick-up line: "I want to guard your heart."  (See THIS page for campus crime statistics.)

Finding a man on campus?  The majority of the girls in my acquaintance who will be graduated this year are going out into the world without marriage plans, without an engagement ring, without even a boyfriend.  A lot of relationships that happen are not particularly mature or prepared for marriage.  Yes, there is the occasional sophomore marriage – but believe me, it looks more insane than it does romantic.  A lot of people collapse, after a long day here, among their closest friends, and admit, "This place is like high school all over again."

If you want diversity, you won't find it here.  There are only a few black people; most people are moderately chill Catholics split about equally between the charismatics and… not charismatics; a lot of geeks and nerds, as well as geek and nerd wannabes; hardcore partiers and smokers, rebels, and cool people are the severe minority; and then there are the small populations of blatantly "traditional" Catholics and "full-length-skirt-addicts."  Most people more or less dress the same – the jocks and drama queens being pretty much the only exception – and frisbee is the thing.

Babies are cute; friars and other religious are celebrities; discernment into religious life merits a huge celebration; and a day when it isn't raining is everyone's dream.

Oh – and I should mention the huge homosexual community.

In some respects, it's just like any other campus.

But a good girl with all her ideals intact… is more likely to get hurt here.

See, the bad guys here are hidden because everyone goes to Mass, signs up for an Adoration hour, goes to Theology classes, and has some kind of "lightning bolt of providence" story.  And I'm sure these guys are essentially good people – they're juststupid when it comes to relationships.  So they lure you in with tales of their struggles for holiness – and then they just stop talking to you.  Or worse.  (And then the respective Households get involved….  It can be messy.)

Brother-sister relationships abound.  Which I'm happy about – I'm putting together a whole family over here!  But girls actively seeking their knight-in-shining armor get hurt real fast.

So if you're going to college for your MRS degree, you may want to look elsewhere.  I mean, my philosophy is to not look for an MRS degree.  I think they're earned on a basis of merit, not effort.  More like a scholarship.  I like that – a scholarship to life: 'The MRS Scholarship, funded by Heavenly Father.'

But I digress.

Franciscan University has a lot of problems.  And there are days where the only reason I'm still here….  It's Catholic.  And if you are honestly doing your best to follow God and discern His plan for your life, you can find a very supportive and healthy spiritual community here.  For all its flaws, this school is run on the idea that you can leave this place with a stronger relationship with Christ and a solid foundation to fall back on.  So far, I'm finding that part of the school to be excellent (though it obviously isn't perfect).  And I've got a pretty good head on my shoulders and a lot of grace on my side, thank God.

I've slowly been changing my perspective.  I have to assume that I just might not leave this school on the arm of a man.  With that in mind, I think I can get the most out of and give the most to this school.

But yeah, girls shouldn't come here assuming that their degree won't be terribly important when they graduate – it may be the only thing they have to live on when they leave this place.