Look Out for the Babe on Facebook!

Facebook is a dreadful pain in my side these days.  Truth be told, I have removed most of my "friends" from my newsfeed so that I can still look at posts from friends who update with meaningful, important statuses and not be bogged down with couple picture after personality quiz after "You Know You're a Writer When…."  I am so fortunate as to not have too many friends who are big into "selfies," but I have a couple and I quickly removed them from my feed.  But my feelings about selfies are actually stronger than just a simple Facebook setting can settle.

One, I am greatly discomforted when a girl posts a picture of herself and all her girlfriends comment on it to the effect of: "You're so goooooorgeous!  You're such a babe!  Looking fine!"  Last I checked, none of my Facebook friends are models and none of them are super incredibly stunning.  Neither does a well aimed angle or a well angled light make them look superbly more captivating than they usually are (unless it goes so far so to actually tell a lie about how the person looks, which is not good for fairly obvious reasons).  But also, what kind of standard does this set?  And this selfie posting gets easily to the point where you have to ask yourself, "Am I just showing off to hear how gorgeous I am?"  Girls like to take pretty photos of themselves, and when they get an especially good one, they of course want to show it off.  It sounds reasonable but truly how conceited!  Many girls go to a famous place and take an oddly-angled shot of their face kissy-facing the lens to mark the occasion.  And no girl can tell me that they won't care whether they get "Likes" or not.

In fact, not being one to gush myself, I once commented on a friend's "artsy" photo – not reflecting on her beauty but on the interesting composition of it.  Take note that this friend was perhaps not doing so well as she could have been; in any case, she instantly took offense at my comment because it wasn't following the pattern of "soooo purty girrrrl."  (I like to think I had more respect for her than her other friends did, but my judgment might be affected by my personal investment in the case.)

Here is my other problem with selfies:

I am a very pretty girl.  And no matter how I look on the outside, I am beautiful objectively.  (I am very fortunate to have a man in my life who recognizes it and is careful to remind me often.)  But seeing selfies of my friends on Facebook triggers something in my head that says, "I can look pretty too.  I've got to look pretty too."  I have never been big into magazines or followed pop culture but I'm guessing this is similar to that phenomenon.  Perhaps this latter case is worse because it is people you know, people you encounter, people who have something you don't and can hold it over you when you walk out the door tomorrow.

Facebook has so many grievances against it, I have begun (unintentionally) looking at it a lot less.  But unlike sharing political updates, memes, and baby photos, I think selfies have a deeper, more meaningful, and actually hurtful impact.

If a young woman thinks, "I have such a low opinion of myself, this is will boost my self-esteem!"  Either it will test and "strengthen" it when she doesn't get "Likes" or it will "boost" it because of all the flattering compliments (really, it is only flattery, and flattery is flat).  Affirmation! – such a trigger word these days.  But affirmation only works if the girl can believe it in the first place.  A girl will appreciate being recognized for her good looks now and then, but the gesture does nothing if she doesn't first believe it herself.  Ways to help her believe it exist, but posting selfies on Facebook is not one of them, as evidence concretely concludes.

I could focus more specifically on details related to guys doing this, but everything simplified down to a nutshell, how has it become okay to brag on Facebook, "Look everyone how beautiful/awesome/cool I am!" when that would otherwise seem vastly inappropriate?

Dislike

I was very glad to get some feedback on my last post Feminism and Masculinity!

First of all, I did not make this conversation up, but the context was a light one.  It is largely unedited but some grammar or spelling mistakes were corrected and digressions omitted.  Jared and Elizabeth just touched on this topic briefly and it was an exchange between friends.  Jared and Elizabeth might make further appearances on this blog but the views expressed may not necessarily be the fullness of the truth of the issue.

The feedback consisted of someone selecting the "disagree" box, which I appreciate as perfectly acceptable feedback.  I understand that the content is debatable and its nuances are foggy.  But more importantly, I want feedback – negative or positive!  I say thank you to whomever clicked the disagree box – but please!  Give me more!  Don't be afraid to say that you strongly disagree.  I want respectful comments and thoughtful comments, but I want to discuss these issues.  If you disagree, I would love to hear your thoughts and possibly even agree with you.

Feminism and Masculinity (from a young man and a young woman)

Jared:
What is your opinion on the Feminist Movement?

Elizabeth:
Um….
Depends.

Jared:
On what?

Elizabeth:
THE Feminist Movement:
They need to chill.

Jared:
I agree.

Elizabeth:
The Christianized version of the Feminist Movement – get real.

Jared:
I know right?

Elizabeth:
There is more to being a female than modesty and how to date and find a good husband.

Jared:
Exactly.
Babies.

Elizabeth:
Haha yeah.

Jared:
The movements are based on the false principle that men and women are not equal.
Men and women are in fact equal but equal does not mean the same.
They are equal in that they both have their roles but those roles are perceived by feminists as unfair.

Elizabeth:
Yes.

Jared:
Without those roles being filled properly the fabric of society begins to tear and bad things happen.
Like the Feminist movement.

Elizabeth:
Yeah.

Jared:
And the Men's Movement.

Elizabeth:
The blessing of man and woman being different is that one person doesn't have to do or be everything, or need to try.
Explain the Men's Movement.

Jared:
The Men's Movement is the response of men to the emasculation of the Feminist Movement.
It is about regaining the role of men from the "new man" that was created by the influence of Feminism in society.

Elizabeth:
Do you think it's effective?

Jared:
My point is that that movement should not need to exist.

Elizabeth:
Oh quite.

Jared:
I believe it is to an extent and with certain individuals.
The problem is that it is too little too late and does not solve the root of the problem.

Elizabeth:
I think… that what we need… at least at this point, isn't respect for our own gender, but for the other.
It's become too much about self.
– If we just tell ourselves that we're awesome, everything will fall into place.
The world will respect us. –
But it doesn't work like that.

Jared:
It is only through respect of others that we can gain respect of ourselves.
We must have self-confidence in order to establish respect but without respecting others we cannot expect to fulfill ourselves.

Elizabeth:
That sounds about right.

Looking into Households

Franciscan University currently has only one sorority and no fraternities associated with the school.  Instead, the student body is allowed to create within itself small groups called "households."  The website explains:

Households are Spirit empowered, Christ-led groups of three or more Franciscan University students of the same sex who seek to do the will of the Father in their lives. These communities desire to help members grow in body, mind and spirit through mutual support and accountability in the ongoing conversion process exemplified in the life of St. Francis. Through the relationships found in Households, individuals are transformed and develop their capacity to be an evangelizing presence in the University, the Catholic Church and the world.

Ideally, a household is a family that the students can become a part of and always feel welcome and loved.  They are a coming together of likeminded people with similar goals and missions.  The members have common devotions and share spiritual growth.  They make commitments to come together and pray or do service.  The men and women find brothers and sisters respectively that they can count on and turn to.

But of course, there are downsides to household life.  Sometimes you as an individual can acquire a bad reputation just because a fellow household member did something unsavory.  Sometimes a couple breaks up and now you inexplicably find yourself pitted against friends because your household sister's ex is in their household.  A business meeting can go horribly awry, or a fellow household member might suddenly expect you to want to do something you weren't prepared for.

At any rate, if you're looking at households but you're not sure what to look for, here are a few things to consider.

     The Coordinators

Each household has at least one coordinator.  These coordinators are responsible, generally speaking, for pep talks, organizing people and events (such as fundraisers), settling dispute within household, and making sure that the household remains true to itself.  However, coordinators sometimes mistake their personal mission to be the household's mission.  The household's mission does apply to all the members, but sometimes the individual personalities and gifts have their own reflection on this mission.  For example, the coordinator may accidentally misinterpret his/her outgoing nature as a household charism and expect everyone to want to do things the same way he/she does.  They aren't diabolical, and the possibility of it happening shouldn't scare you away, but you have to decide whether you are ready and willing to put up with or contest a coordinator.  But you also have to realize that you have no business attacking a coordinator for trying to do their job and that you have a duty to keep the household united.

    Cliquey

Some households have this problem more than others, and some people don't consider this a problem.  However you view it, some households can seem like an exclusive club from the outside – like members can't be good friends with anyone outside the household and people outside the household can't really be friends with someone in the household – unless it's "charity" or "Christian duty."  Sometimes it's just more like the household takes up so much of your free time that the commitments become the entirety of your social life.  And from my own perspective, households somehow (without meaning to) discourage people from being open with just any old joe they meet in the course of the day.  What I mean is that some people, knowing that they have their household to fall back on, don't go out of their way to be friends with people they run into every day (unless they're trying to attract new people).  If you're looking at households, you may want to identify the households that do this and decide if you are okay with that and if you would be one of those people, or maybe if you could help fix that.

     Intentship

Every household has a different intent process.  When you want to join a household you have to "intent."  What you have to do after that varies – added prayer times, added commitments, scavenger hunts, waiting period.  Find out as much as you can about this process and decide if you're okay with it or not.  If you're not sure you want to do all that stuff, it might be an opportunity for growth.  But don't feel you have to force it.  It might not be worth it to you.  Usually the induction ceremony is a carefully guarded secret.  But I'm pretty sure coordinators will have to tell you if you feel you need to know how comfortable you'll be with that ritual.  (Note: the induction process has to be approved and should not be offensive or questionable.  It may involve affirmations or sharing of life stories, Scripture and blessings, candles, etc..)

     Covenants

Each household has a covenant: "A household’s foundation is a written pledge that expresses the common commitment and spiritual identity of the household. The members of a household refer to this pledge as their household covenant."  The extent to which a household stands by their covenant varies – sometimes semester by semester.  This doesn't have to be a deal breaker, but you should try to observe what kind of significance the covenant plays in the lives of the household members.  Do they involve themselves in ministries?  Do they even know the details of their covenant?  And then decide what significance that has to you.

     Role Models

Whatever the size of the household, I strongly advise that you look for people who can be role models to you and then figure out if they will be around much longer.  If there are wise, levelheaded, and mature members, the household is more likely to grow spiritually and stand by its covenant.  Sometimes the oldest (by membership or age) aren't the spiritual, moral, or emotional leaders in the group.  You decide who you look up to and also see which members tend to be decision makers, which ones tend to be quiet and logical, which ones tend to be opinionated, and which ones tend to be troublemakers or drama queens.  And then figure out how this will relate to you.

     The Household as a Whole

Of course, the household itself – its charisms, its mission, and its presence on campus – are extremely important.  If intercession has a place in your heart and St. Louis de Montfort's consecration doesn't really appeal to you, then that should affect your decision.  But if you then look at the members of a promising household and decide that the current circumstances are not conducive to your spiritual growth or mission, that should weigh on your decision as well.  Of course the thing about households is that they are made up of students who are spending (usually) only about four or five years there, so a household can change with a semester.  New coordinators, new members, new challenges, new blessings.

So if you are looking at households but you're not sure exactly what to look for, keep these six things in mind: the coordinators, the household social life, the intentship, integrity to the covenant, the other members, and how the whole household fits together.

As a note on my own experience and where I stand, I intented and dropped my intentship before I became a member.  In the end, I decided that household life was not what I was looking for.  As I try to further develop and understand my own identity, I did not want my reputation to be wrapped up in the reputation of a household.  I also don't like household drama – intra- and inter-.  I like that households encourage small communities like families, but I have found that they tend to exclude outsiders to some extent (however slight), which I do not like even in the name of fostering the members.  There was more than one reason behind my decision to back out, but I especially want to be able to be open and welcoming as equally as possible to everyone on campus, which I felt would be harder to do if I was associated with a household and their reputation and secrets before I was associated with myself as an individual person.  That is my spiritual mission in life.

That just happens to be what I'm looking for.  But I still think that households can be very good for those who wish for that community and spiritual family.  As you choose one, you may decide that one of my pointers is less important to you than the others, and if that's the case, I have no problem with that.  But if you're still trying to decide what you want from a household, here are some things to think about.

Good luck!  There are a lot of good households to choose from.