#NotMyEducationSystem

A new post detailing my gripe with our education system is now up on the new location!  Please be sure to go there – there will be no more posts on this site for now.  Thank you.

The Young Girl and the Idiot

Once upon a time, there lived a naïve and very broken young girl.  She let people trample on her, make her feel to blame for the choices they made.  "If only I were not friends with the village idiot, the more respected people of this town would not have abandoned me.  And it was only my insecurity and pride that made me see them that way - in fact, they would not treat me so abominably.  Truly, they are good."

And so she walked on through life, looking up to smile only at the sun, her inconstant friend, and every day tried to interpret the actions of others towards her so she would know her own path.

She thought she'd make new friends.  She started over with people who knew, too, the village idiot and knew the madness and manipulation.  Foolish child: after a time, they gritted their teeth, shrugged their shoulders, and walked away.  The young girl looked around and found herself alone with the idiot.

"You are the best friend I have ever had!" said the village idiot.  "You are so loyal!  But you seemed to want to stay friends with that last person....  Of course, you can do whatever you want.  I'm not your master."

Finally the village idiot joined a social group in town, and the social group could find no good reason to expel the idiot.  The young girl made friends with the group and met a young man who willingly became friends with the village idiot to know the young girl.  In the village idiot's bouts of insanity, the knowledgeable young man stood at the young girl's side.

Enraged with jealousy, the village idiot devised a plan.  Going into town without the young girl, the idiot whined and moaned and spread vicious rumors about the young girl.  The idiot took the confidence of the young girl and twisted it to atrocity.

Distraught, the young girl did her best for the village idiot, thinking this must be some fit of madness.  The village idiot then spoke slander to the young man.  The young man went to the young girl and held her hand.

Finally, the village idiot very calmly spoke to the young girl, taking the tactic many had before.  The idiot shrugged, declared there was nothing more to be done for the young girl, and left her to the wolves.

But the young girl had learned her lesson.  The village idiot had done this to her and her innocence shone through to all who saw her.  She married the wise, knowledgeable young man and retained the friendship of the wise - and though the village idiot never changed, the young girl held her head high above all that came her way.  The village idiot had power over many spirits, but the young girl's spirit was free.

Porn is victorious all over

Porn.  You don't know the trap you're in.  I don't care if you haven't looked at it, ever.  You're in that trap.

Because it's all around you.

Men have a reputation for pornography addiction but women, you know it's attractive to you even when it's one of your own getting abused as hell.  And it's not hiding anymore.  It's coming out to make huge bucks on VALENTINES DAY.  Good Lord help us if that's what we think is romantic.

Suddenly it's there in front of you.  I was listening to music on Spotify the other day and an ad for "Forty Shades of Grey" played – and whatever godforsaken noise came through my speakers at the end of that thing horrified me.

And my curiosity was snagged.

And you know it doesn't make sense.  I don't know what you saw that first time but then you were curious.  You had a thought, you followed it.  And then you looked it up again.  And then again.  And I don't care if you're in a culture that thinks porn is great – you had to be kind of disturbed with what you were seeing at some point.  You were a kid afraid of getting caught looking at your uncle's magazine stash or you were anxiously glancing at the door hoping your buddy wouldn't come in just then.

Or you had a moment that said, "I would never let this happen to myself…" … to my sister, to my daughter, to my friend, to my brother, husband, cousin….  I don't just want to be sexually active.  I want somebody I can really talk to and understand and love.

And if you haven't thought that, it's okay.  You're part of the generation that still wants those things but doesn't believe they happen.  But you still kind of melted over that photo of the couple who have been together for 50 years and still flirt with each other, hold hands on the sidewalk, read to each other at night.

Perhaps at this point, you've realized you can't stop.  Even if you wanted to, you couldn't.  Because even if you decided that what you're doing is wrong (and lots of non-religious people who are sexually flexible are beginning to realize there are real ethical issues with pornography), you get a thought that is fully supported by the beginnings of a desire and before you really know what you're thinking about, you're looking at it.

And five hours go down the drain.

Your girlfriend texts you to say, "Hey wazzup?"

Homework, you say.  Hanging out with the bros.

Your mom calls to know if you're coming home this weekend.  "Yeah, sure, mom, but I gotta go – I'm kinda busy right now."

Let me tell you something, even if you make all kinds of resolutions for yourself at this point – "I won't look up anything having to do with _______; I won't even use YouTube this week; I won't spend more than just this one hour…" – you're lying awake, early in the morning and you think, "Huh, I wonder if…."  And you're lost before you knew you were in the woods.

There's hope.  I'm told there's hope.  Survivors of porn addiction tell me they've regained a lot of control.

They've learned how to say no.

But if you don't know you're already in the trap, you have no chance getting out.

And for sure, it's hard.  You think it's innocent fun.  You think you need to see to understand.  You think it's just this one thing – it's not a big deal.  But what is it teaching you?  What are you learning?  And have you noticed the habits your body is picking up?  Those things are hard to shake.  And memories, especially the ones you don't really want to remember suddenly, they're on the bookshelves of your brain for a long, long time.  And if you think it hasn't touched you yet, it could still choose you.  Don't get cocky.  It's infiltrating everywhere.

But you're not destined for death just because the trap has you hanging upside down.  It's not going to be easy.  You can't replace porn with real sex, or dating, or friends, or candy.  Porn is far more pleasurable, and the pleasure is more readily attained.  It's easier.  And it's more or less custom made.

"Not hard enough for you?  Well now I'm going to do this."

You're cleaning your room….  You're thinking… thinking of… and then… "I know I said I wasn't going to look at it but… I've got to!  I'm already thinking it!  Might as well.  And I'm only going to look at this page.  Okay, I'll check this link.  Well, that description sounds strange.  They can't really mean–  I'd better check it out real quick.  Well I just want to know if they have…."

You know.  You know.

Come on, man, you've got to break free.  Girl, don't just look at it because a feeling inside you wants satisfaction.  You can turn down pizza in favor of a salad – turn down porn in favor of something better!

Porn addicts and ex-porn addicts can attest – pornography messes you up.  Whatever problems you had before, porn doesn't make it better.  And people are starting to realize that porn can have negative medical repercussions as well.  Negative sexual repercussions.  Negative relational repercussions.

There will always be people in the industry who claim they love their work – women and men who claim they love the sexual drive they experience from being abused and humiliated.  There will always be people who claim that pain is the only thing that truly makes them happy.  I'm not sure why we've gotten to a point where we can say, "Well, you mean that sexually, so it's okay.  You're making money from it so it's okay.  It's liberation."

How happy must be the lucky few who are thus liberated.

Thousands more could attest it is not liberation.  But they've been told it is.

Realize that you are stuck.  Realize that you think it's good for you and that it's actually not.  Realize that you can get free.  Realize that it is not easy.  Realize that a growing number of people are in your boat – and it's getting ready to sink.  Row that boat to shore singlehandedly if you have to.  Think about all the negative consequences of porn and how much you don't want them.  Think about all the things greater than porn and that you want those things.

Then go be that person.

And realize that ultimately, you're okay.  It's not your fault that that material was published.  It's not your fault that people got into the pornography industry.  It's probably not really your fault that you saw it for the first time.  It's not your fault that you have bodily desires, and those desires aren't bad.  Confusion, addiction are part of the human condition.  And while it's not okay to be addicted to pornography, it is okay to be struggling with the addiction.  And it is okay to not be perfect right away.  It is okay to be you.

Don't give up on you.  Other people like you have already paved the way.  This is not impossible.  You are worth it.  You can make it.

Why you should not home school your kids

Home schooling has become a trend for numerous reasons.  One of the reasons is quality of education.  Some studies have shown that home schooled children are generally above average against their public school peers.  Some of these public school peers have the potential to be bullies or sell your kids drugs, so you want to keep them home and let them have more control over who they mingle with, subject to your approval.  And speaking of your approval, you approve the texts and the reading and the instructors and the experience of religion.  Not to mention you can sleep in and go to bed at a reasonable time.  And, if you so choose – and many do – you can utilize the same classes and programs offered to all the other kids.  You can send your kids to the public school for P.E., or to a local college for some of their high school classes for credit that they can use later to skip unnecessary years towards a degree.

Some individuals and governments resist the home school trend.  Families that come to the U.S. specifically for the freedom to give their children an education risk deportation.  They come here because America does allow home schooling, albeit begrudgingly.

Maybe the U.S. is so cranky because they're concerned for the children.  They wouldn't want your kids to be at a disadvantage when they get to college.  After such a good education at home reading Shakespeare and Frost and writing a dissertation on Plato, the first year or two of college is a review of middle school.  Home schooling means risking brain damage when your children bang their heads repeatedly against the wall of their dorm rooms.

Sure, not every home school is excellent, but why take that chance?  Don't risk raising your students to be too smart for college at the undergraduate degree level.  Think of all the money you'll spend on those first two years – maybe three! – of college before everyone catches up with your little scholars.  Think of their strong, healthy brains slowly turning to mush day after day, going through the motions of writing ten page papers that are so hard they can't wait to get to graduate school.  Just think!  You're setting your children up to spend years of their adult life in universities before they are finally satisfied with the challenge they find getting their doctorate in English.  You're raising your children to be academics!

Let's face it.  College will only put a strong hand on your budding child's shoulder and tell them, "It's time to conform, son.  Bwahaha we've finally GOT YOU!"

Right when your kids thought they were ready to fly, too.  You set them up to think that college is the time to soar mentally and academically and, of course, the reality is that college will teach them to slow down and match everyone else's mediocrity.  Please spare them that cruel punishment.  Spare them the pain of that horrible adjustment and protect them from haunting questions like, "What am I doing with my life?  Why is America so dumb?"  And that of course leads to anarchy.

So if you love your kids, do them and your country a favor.  Don't teach your kids to be smart and love learning.  We all know it's a dead end after high school, and the hill to interesting courses gets steep.  Why would you raise your kids to question the status quo?  You'd lead them to disappointment and disillusionment and despair.  They'll have to realize sooner or later that they need money and no one will stop to listen to all that advanced knowledge they accumulated.  There will be no circles to sit in and discuss Nietzsche or C.S. Lewis or Alex Haley.  Home schooling teaches your kids that life is smart.  Life is not smart, it is dumb.

Could be you'll be a lucky one and your home schooling will be mediocre, or your child won't be set on fire to learn.  But when your kids are at stake, you probably shouldn't take the risk.

Sherlock and Sociopathic Behavior

Lately, something has been on my mind a lot.  Sociopaths.  Gosh, Sherlock makes it look like so much fun.  I mean, if you watch closely, you notice that John Watson often wants to give it but good to Sherlock, but mostly we laugh and find the highly functioning sociopath highly amusing.

Fortunately for John, Sherlock shows hints of redeeming qualities – occasional compassion and willingness to go to great lengths for his friends.  But if you are caught in a relationship with a sociopath, you might find it a lot less endearing.  You might find it terribly dismantling.

Common traits of a sociopath include:

• Superficial charm.  Did he seem almost too nice to be true?  A sociopath may seem like a very friendly and outgoing person, nothing to be afraid of unless you're an introvert.
• Isolation and manipulation.  The more she feels that you two are close, the more you will lose the ability to do what you want.  And if they're especially good at being a sociopath, you won't even really notice.  They'll say just exactly what needs to be said and hit you where you are most likely to be persuaded.  You may not be able to talk about it with others because no one else will see what you're experiencing.
• Self-centeredness.  They want something.  They have a right to have it.
• Lying.  You won't notice this at first because you know they are lies.  Listen closely.  Stories of their past may not quite add up or may even conflict, and their friends may have an interesting combination of faults.  They may not have a realistic image of themselves and instead cast their faults onto their "friends."
• Lack of guilt.  They will rarely admit to being wrong.  If they were foolish here and there, it's because of something else.  He will say it's because you were acting a certain way or because she dressed a certain way.
• Shallow emotions.  You tell her your sob story and she seem invested and very supportive.  She may tell you to see a counselor and have all kind of comforting phrases, but it's based on "her own experiences" and it usually lacks the tenderness and tack the situation calls for.  Preaching over sincerity.
• Drama queen.  Whether he's playing telephone or just making a big deal out of picking a movie or jumping into a group and forcing them to do what he wants, he lives off of stimulation and excitement.  Something is boring?  Bring a friend to study time and make them watch tons of crass YouTube videos instead.
• Promiscuity and infidelity.  She may be glamorous to the point of tackiness, or hooks up with boys a lot, even if she sternly warns her friends against such men.  She never seems to learn her lesson.

A major concern for a Christian or Catholic community is that the other members will not see him/her as impenetrable, but rather an opportunity to grow in holiness and help a fellow struggling soul.  You have to be careful that you don't give up on everyone with a few flaws, but in my experience, if he seems terribly concerned about you but tells you way more about himself than he knows about you, watch out.  If she is really sweet and heartbroken after a terrible lesson she had to learn, and then goes back to her old ways with the next breath, back away slowly in as inconspicuous a way as possible.  No matter what you do, a sociopath is likely to spread bad news about you, but you've got to get out.  Sociopaths will manipulate you without a conscience.

Did you wonder, Did you worry?

Robin Williams' death – his suicide – did it rock you?  I'm guessing that it did.  We've been obsessively pulling out videos and stories about him ever since.  Suicide is a big deal.  I hope it rocked you.

His distinctive voice charmed the nation for years and many consider him a comedic genius.  Personality poured out of him with a fluidity unbridled by creative mental strain, some say.  To me, he seemed a person, an approachable person – somebody who was just a somebody.  Since his death, so many journalists, bloggers, commentators, and random people – all who didn't know him – have tried to interpret his life and understand his suicide.

The truth, of course, is that we can never understand.  The biological factors, the psychological factors, the personal experience never tell us how a great man can take his life.  Why wasn't he afraid to end it all?  Did he think he was helping his loved ones?  Did he see the inevitable pain those who knew him would carry for the rest of their own lives?  Was his own pain too great to spare them?

In Orthodoxy, G. K. Chesterton said, "The man who kills himself kills all men.  As far as he is concerned, he wipes out the world."

"Today," says Russell Brand, "Robin Williams is part of the sad narrative that we used to turn to him to disrupt."

Josh Gracin threatened suicide not long after Robin Williams' death.  I'm glad to see that he's, apparently, back in the sing of things.

I read somewhere that depression and the numbers of suicides have experienced spikes in recent decades.  Songs have been written about it.  Books have been published to help loved ones cope.  When I type "suicidal" into Google, it provides a helpline.

But many still misunderstand depression and suicide.

Some called Williams free.  Some wrote long statuses on Facebook about what he meant to them.  Others wrote posts that went viral.  Some felt a twinge of discomfort and compassion, even fear.  Sometimes the right message was said the wrong way.  Sometimes the wrong thing was said the right way.

So here's my question.  Did you wonder?  Did you worry?

I did.

My own experiences with depression have left me sensitive to the possible, hidden experiences of my siblings.  Some of my friends have told me about their struggles.  What if?  What if my best friend decided to end it all?  What if someone decided he was only weighing me down?  What if he thought it wasn't worth it?

If you didn't worry, you should have.  Not everyone is brave enough to admit they need help.

I haven't blogged about this until now because I felt that I could not say anything that hadn't already been said.  And if I say anything at all, I want it to be thoughtful.

But finally, I wonder how many people really understand; and that ignorance drives me to write.

I suffered for years on my own, sure that my pain was my fault.  Why couldn't I just get over it?  Why couldn't I just be happy?  Did I not love everyone?  Was I selfish?

My faith was a crutch.  Crutch – so often a negative meaning.  My faith was my broken leg and my crutch.  I thought I was a terrible sinner for feeling so wretched – that I had no joy because I was not holy enough.  If only I loved God more….  If only I loved my neighbor more….

I'm sure many people have recovered from their depression and thrown out their religion, scoffing at it for putting them down.  Actually, my Catholic religion does not blame me for depression, although I didn't know that at the time; and even though it (mistakenly) tore at me, my faith was what kept me going.  I never refused to get out of bed and I didn't coop myself up in a corner of my room.  I did walk around in a despondent state, rarely if ever looking anyone in the eye, giving short and to the point answers, dreading and loathing small talk, hating compliments.  "My hair may be pretty but that doesn't make it better.  I may be a good dancer, but that isn't helping me.  Don't tell my father I'm mature – you don't know me."

My inner faith, mistakenly telling me that I was at fault for how I felt, told me that if I just kept trying and was the best that I could be, everything would get better.  I felt moments of joy and happiness, but as I continued to agree to everything that was asked of me and volunteered silently to do still more, my overall mood was not improving.

I felt happiest when I was making a little boy smile.  I've known him since he was born and we're very close.  His family spent a lot of time at my house and I spent most of that time with him.  I was their babysitter, and I would hold him and hold him until his crying stopped and he fell asleep in my arms.  And I felt content and happy in those moments.

But when I wasn't at peace, I asked myself, "Why don't you kill yourself?"  I thought about it more than once.  But I'd say not more than four times.  The answer I always had for myself was, "What difference would it make?"  No one would care.  No one would know the difference.  They might cry, but they'd soon go on with their lives and not remember.  I felt convinced that I improved the lives of those around me, even though I noticed that they managed to instinctively fill in the gaps when I was out of the house.  But I felt, unseen by all, I was doing something for them, even if they didn't care.  And that gave me a sense of purpose.  And I think it kept me going.

I was also terrified of suicide.  One of the symptoms of my depression was always thinking of the in-depth, personal details.  I was afraid of pain, and of panic like I experienced in panic attacks, and of changing my mind at the last moment when it would be already too late.  I decided that if I were to kill myself, I'd have to use a gun.  We had one in the house somewhere – I had seen the locked safe just once.  But even if I could have found it and unlocked it, I wouldn't have known how to use it.

And already striving so hard to please God, I wouldn't want to make all that for nothing.

I would say that, at the time, I was never so defeated that I was genuinely suicidal.  The question held a touch of humor for me.  It was too serious a thought to be taken seriously.

But… I don't know how I was spared seriously considering it.  No one was there to help me through.  And I don't know that anyone could have helped me.  I didn't want help.

Sometimes I still have episodes of depression – much shorter episodes, thank God.  And recently, I experienced such a deep exasperation that I momentarily did give up on life and suicide became real.  And even knowing everything I do about depression, I still would rather keep it to myself.

It makes you think doesn't it?

Sometimes people talk about suicide as though "if only someone had realized and gotten them help!"  Sometimes that's not enough.  Because suicide is not a question of cure.  You can catch an injury before it turns into a bad case of gangrene.  You can prescribe treatment to a medical issue and heal the body.  You can diagnose depression and try to correct it – but depression is tricky.  It's too complicated for even someone who has experienced it to explain.

And suicide – it's not a disease.  It's a choice.  It's a choice to reject life.

Sometimes depression doesn't go away.  And despite all the efforts of anyone – no matter how qualified – sometimes depression seems inevitable, incurable, and indomitable.  It can lead to a new level of despair that few people know exists.  That despair is what drives some people to the precipice of suicide.  Even if the best help is available to them, some people still choose suicide.

That's the very bitter reality.

It's a sin against life.  It's a sin against hope.  It's a sin against all mankind.  How dare you tell us it's not worth it.  How dare you leave us such a legacy.

How dare you….

How could you leave us alone?

The more I thought about Robin William's death, the more I was grateful for life.  I looked around me and I said, "What if I lost any of these people?"  Even my enemies – would I be able to handle the news?  I was a thorn in their side – or at the very least, I did very nearly nothing to make their lives more worth while.  That would almost be worse than losing a friend.  But if I lost a friend – his or her memory would be like playing catch with a rose bush, unresolved questions of guilt coming in stitches.  And there's the possibility that I could have taken my own life and all those people would have been ripped from me.  By my own choice.

We need to start paying attention.  Depression is a mental illness and as such, a person doesn't have much control over it.  Sometimes drugs help, balancing the chemicals in the brain.  Sometimes therapy helps.  And yet part of me believes that there's got to be something so simple, so fundamental and we're missing it – whether it's a loss of place and identity, or the loss of a deeper meaning, or just a crueler world….  There's got to be a factor, perhaps unmeasurable by science, that speaks to the human person that would cure case upon case of depression.

Perhaps it's just my own lucky experience with depression, but I feel like the solution must be right under our nose.

Because suicide must not happen.  It's the last breath of hope disappearing from the world.

What You Probably Haven't Thought About: Homosexuality

Please read this article from CNS: http://ow.ly/AMGEb

I know this is a touchy subject and most Americans think exactly what I don't, even if we're on the same side about same-sex marriage.

Here's the thing: I'm not homosexual.  Whatever feelings I have felt over the course of time, I have never labeled myself homosexual.  I can't report on the feelings and experiences of those who do claim to be homosexual and I don't mean to try.  But please don't label me homophobic just because I don't think they should get married or make out.  Being attracted to the same sex is not culpable in so far as it is not intentional.  If indeed people are "born this way," of course it is not their fault.  If it's developed later in life, it still isn't their fault necessarily, because it's not a choice.

But mental disorders can also be from birth or be developed later in life.  And homosexuality, like mental disorders, is contrary to how the human being should be.

That's hard to digest, I know.  Autistic children are still children, they are still of God, they are still persons.  God is calling them, despite and because of autism, to something special.  But autism isn't how it's supposed to be.  We strive for a cure for autism, or cleft palate, or conjoined twins, and we celebrate when breakthroughs are made.  Being born a certain way doesn't mean that you're stuck that way.

I know.  If only laws and society would allow gays to function as they wish, homosexuality wouldn't interfere with life and couldn't possibly be considered a disorder, blah, blah, blah.

Procreation is supposed to lead to reproduction – which you'll see is important.  And some scientific findings, which are for some reason on the DL, have supported my convictions about sexual ambiguity.

Look at your body.  Whether it's homosexuality or transvestism, the mind simply does not agree with reality.  Science is evolving, I realize.  As you may have guessed, I disagree with some of the new methods.  But look at the anatomy.  Men are made to be men and procreate with women; women are made to be women and procreate with men.  So what's wrong here: the body or the mind?

Scientific advancements can now solve the challenges that homosexuals and transvestites face but in many cases, apparently, transvestite patients did not find mental peace through this procedure; and "on-demand" progeny are separated from their biological fathers and mothers – which can happen anyway but it's not the ideal, and it's not the sort of act you normally associate with love.

And again, why are we trying to change the body instead of the mind?  Perhaps all you need is a broader understanding and acceptance of femininity or masculinity.

What's more, young children are encouraged to experiment, to consider both sides of the coin.  They don't even know there is a coin before puberty!  What they know is social pressure and embarrassment.  A friend of mine in psychology recently pointed out to me, "At puberty, a lot of kids have questions and doubts.  They get teased by their peers, whereas the gay community is very accepting [by necessity] and so many young people associate themselves with the gay community and think that they are gay because they found acceptance there.  And if they seek counseling, they're going to be encouraged to accept their homosexual feelings, even if those feelings don't really exist in the individual's case."

If you had lost your leg and I commanded you to follow me into the next room, I'd be a horrible tease to expect you to follow my orders.  A person in the midst of a panic attack can't just calm down.

So if you're a man and I forced you to marry a woman even though you were attracted to men, I'd be committing a horrible injustice on both you and your wife.  But I'm not saying that.  I'm saying, your mental reality doesn't correspond with the physical.  Why are we trusting the mental one?  And studies have shown that homosexuality is treatable.

Show me proof that homosexuality is so deeply ingrained in the person that it is who they are, not just something that's going on in the brain.

That's only one shot of homosexuality.  Ethics, morality, and the Catholic Church have other positions from which homosexuality must be considered, for good or ill, but I didn't consider them here.

What You May Already Know: Modesty

[Prerequisite for this article: general Christian principles and belief in the Bible]

Among Christians, the hot topic is modesty.  Many denominations, Christians, and even Catholics have presumed to issue rubrics for girls – "What to Wear, What Not to Wear."  "It's okay to show ankles now, we're sure we don't need to tell you, but… this other area of your body is not appropriate.  Thus sayeth us."

Biblical modesty is a little confusing.  I've yet to find a verse that says, "A glimpse of stocking is something shocking!"  But it does say, "likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire…."  Even with that "clearly spelled out" in the New Testament, it's not like Christians never wear gold or pearls, nor do up their hair.  Truth is that Paul was making a point in that passage, which was not, "Wear frumpy clothing."  Truth is that the Bible is just not specific about what we're allowed to do with clothing.

Out of curiosity, google "Bible verses about modesty."  You may already be familiar with OpenBible.info – it often comes up when you're looking for verses.  Skimming through the results for "modesty," several verses don't seem to apply.  Ah, but the key to modesty actually lies in those very verses.  Because modesty is not what they say….

Modesty is not covering yourself up.  Modesty is not leaving something to the imagination.  Modesty is not guarding the hearts, eyes, and minds of the opposite sex.  Modesty is not last year's fashions.  Modest is not hottest.

Modesty is honesty – in a way.  Or so Marc from "Bad Catholic" says.  I mean, at least it actually rhymes and makes sense, so give him credit for that, anyway.  I think I do understand his point, even though at times it was hard for me to grasp how he was able to condense modesty down to honesty – but it probably wasn't his objective to condense it down, so anyway….  (He does a great job exploring the topic, I think.  Check it out.)

Here is what I've learned to associate with modesty: dressing to reveal yourself.  I guess that does sound like honesty, doesn't it?  Dressing to reveal who you are as a person.  What this doesn't mean is just, "I'm a human being and I have a body!  Deal with it!  Let's all go nudist!"  But I'm also aiming at not telling you what you must or must not wear, what you can or cannot show.  I think you already know.

Young girls usually have a good sense of modesty (or shyness, if you like), indicating that modesty is probably something natural, and not ingrained in us.  If it was ingrained, women would be more inclined to be modest than children.  But even adult women can probably tell me what is modest and what is not, simply by having a general idea of society and fashion.  Very few people will actually believe that it is good or even okay to be a slut.  So dressing like a slut?  How is anyone supposed to tell the difference?  Dressing like a slut means saying that you're a slut.  And while everyone else has a duty to not treat you as a slut, you have a duty to not be a slut, think like a slut, or dress like a slut.  Just as an example.

When you dress, what are you revealing about yourself?  If what you're revealing is a lot of skin (by today's standards anyway) or undergarments, you're saying something about yourself that isn't true.  (Hopefully you know that it isn't true, but that's a pep talk for another time.)  Certain styles could also be considered immodest, maybe only because of the circumstances.  What do you want to tell people about yourself?  What's the impression you want to make?

The rest of that line from 1 Timothy says, "but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works."

"Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works."

But here are a few more relevant verses:

"Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”"  –– Expand your understanding of the definition of modesty:

"Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven."

Modesty is honest, it is humble, it is respectful.  And in that way, modesty includes an element of not tempting others.  There's a small but growing group of Christian people saying that what happens on the boy's end is not the responsibility of the girl.  For example, they rail against, "Ladies, don't wear bikinis because it leads guys to sin."  They are quite right in hating the prevailing notion that guys can't help what they think or do.  If all the women around them are scantily clad, men will not necessarily disrespect these women.  Men can and should control their thoughts and actions.  But don't leave it at that.  

The Bible still says, "Woe to the world for temptations to sin! For it is necessary that temptations come, but woe to the one by whom the temptation comes!"  Whether bikinis are modest or not is, as far as I can see, arguable on both sides; and if a girl does wear a bikini, any man that lusts after her is accountable for his own soul.

BUT.

Ladies, you still need to take into consideration that you may be a temptation.  You by no means need to go to extraordinary means or defy modern fashion in order to save men.  A modest woman can still be the object of lust.  But dress thoughtfully.  If you are a temptation because you're lazy, don't care, or want to look sexy, that reflects on you and you will be held accountable.  You know what excessive cleavage says about you.  You know super short skirts are ultimately embarrassing.  Dress like you demand respect, not like you're looking for a flirt.  There is a difference.

Basically, if you say to yourself, "Ooh yeah, that looks sexy," you'll know you need to throw on a cardigan or something.  Men, if you're dressed, your clothes should be on and properly secured.  You know you know what I'm talking about.

OpenBible.info – verses on modesty

1 Timothy 2:9-10

1 Peter 5:5

Matthew 6:1

Matthew 18:7

10 Books for Summer Reading if You Haven't Read Them Yet

Reading is extremely good for your mind, and so for you.  It's fundamental!  Education is the key to freedom.  Imagination widens the horizons of possibility.  According to Lifehack.org, reading reduces stress, expands the vocabulary, improves memory and concentration, and strengthens analytical thinking skills.  Summer isn't quite over yet, so if there's a good time to start reading again, it's now!

We all know the hardest part is finding a book to read, so I've compiled a list of books you might try.  Mostly, I've picked classics.  Nobody likes to be the person who hasn't read them!  Classics are classics for a reason – they are either very enjoyable, or very thought provoking, or both!  These are in no particular order.  Try a few, and see what strikes you.

1. Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
   
   
   Famed mystery stories by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.  Sherlock Holmes is a private consultant detective and, together with his good friend Dr. Watson, solves many baffling cases.  Holmes has been portrayed in movies and shows many times – even parodied in "The Great Mouse Detective" – and the original stories do not disappoint.  Readers may be surprised and have fun comparing the details they know with the classic tales, and find themselves enlightened to detail.
   
   
2. Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë
   
   
   You've heard about it, you have seen a movie based on it, but have you read it?  Definitely a book that will not please all readers, but well worth digesting.  Nearly all the characters are of questionable disposition, and a good reader will reflect on human nature.  The almost comedic tragedy of this novel is partly infuriating, partly baffling; in the end, what should have been done?  What could have been done?
   
   Goodreads.com says:
   
   Wuthering Heights is a wild, passionate story of the intense and almost demonic love between Catherine Earnshaw and Heathcliff, a foundling adopted by Catherine's father. After Mr Earnshaw's death, Heathcliff is bullied and humiliated by Catherine's brother Hindley and wrongly believing that his love for Catherine is not reciprocated, leaves Wuthering Heights, only to return years later as a wealthy and polished man. He proceeds to exact a terrible revenge for his former miseries. The action of the story is chaotic and unremittingly violent, but the accomplished handling of a complex structure, the evocative descriptions of the lonely moorland setting and the poetic grandeur of vision combine to make this unique novel a masterpiece of English literature.
   
3. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
   
   
   That's right!  This is a mere children's book but if you haven't read it, you may be astonished!  It's short and simple, so if you're afraid to commit, try this one on for size.  It is still worth plenty of consideration and reflection.  Critics and academics pour over Carroll's world with confusion, but there is always the possibility that the simplicity of a child's dreamland is all that lies in the pages there.  What is the value for adult readers?  Well, find out.
   
   
   
4. The Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis
   
   That's right, another children's book.  If you haven't read them, however, they are well worth your time.  The mystical and theological themes in the book just may enchant you.  And even if you object to religion, you can still have a wonderful adventure.  From before the Pevensie children to the end of the kings and queens, these novels will take you on wonderful adventures, in the prose style so many already love.
   
   
   
5. Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl
   
   This short non-fiction book will awaken corners of your heart that have been sleeping far too long.  Victor Frankl had a chance to escape to America with his wife, but chose to remain behind with his parents.  Before it was all over, he had lost all his family, but he may astonish you with his reflections on man and the meaning of life.  Victor Frankl briefly recounts his experiences in concentration camps and then explains his theory, known as logotherapy.  Man needs to strive for something meaningful, he says – it isn't pleasure that will get him through the hard times.  This book is tough to take but could change your life.
   
   
   
6. Jane Austen
   
   Some people really cannot stand Jane Austen, but you have a few novels to choose from.  Pride and Prejudice may be the most popular one and some consider it the most interesting.  Some think Emma is too slow.  Sense and Sensibility is a favorite, and Persuasion has a very satisfying ending.  And of course there are more.  If you have tried to read these before but struggled to get into it, consider listening to the audio book instead and reward yourself with the movie adaptation afterward.
   
   
   
7. Hamlet or Much Ado About Nothing by Shakespeare
   
   Shakespeare stumps many readers as his language is ancient and much of his stage direction is hidden in the lines he gives his characters.  But listening to a dramatized audio version often does the trick, or perhaps watching a really good film adaptation.  Try Hamlet – it's popular for a reason – or Much Ado About Nothing, which is very good fun.  There are many films for both and Kenneth Branagh is a popular choice for the star; however, you might also try the adaptions starring David Tennant.
   
   
   
8. The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien
   
   In this increasingly popular story, a creature called a hobbit and a company of dwarves set on a journey to reclaim a mountain from a dragon and restore it to the rightful heir.  With the movie trilogy soon wrapping up, it would only be fair to read the original tale if you haven't already.  If you have already seen the movies, you may find the novel much more charming and enchanting (and even unfamiliar).  A much gentler read than The Lord of the Rings trilogy, this could easily enchant a child but captures the fascination of any age.
   
   
   
9. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
   
   Another simple book but worth the read.  And is it as simple as it appears?  Many of the escapades of Tom Sawyer are humorous, but Twain contrasts Tom and his friends against the lives that the adults spin in anxiety.  Concerns and prejudices of the typical adult are brought into such question that they are fairly scorned, and maybe for good reason.  Mark Twain masterfully weaves the whimsy of his Tom Sawyer stories with the weight of great trouble.  Of course, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is another of his great novels.
   
   
   
10. Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier
    
    "Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again."  Hitchcock directed a film starring Laurence Olivier in 1940 based on this suspenseful novel, and both movie and novel are excellent.  The poor and orphaned heroine meets an older well-off gentleman, and the two fall in love.  She can't believe her good fortune when he asks her to marry him!  But soon the ghost of his mysterious previous wife seems to be haunting their marriage and her life falls apart around her.  Feeling terribly inadequate to fill the late Mrs. de Winter's shoes and antagonized by the housekeeper, she feels increasingly compelled to learn the secret of this woman.  But it is all downhill from there.  Pay close attention and you might notice a special detail about this special character.

Of course there are many, many more good books to be read, but this might help you get started.  If you don't have the time or inclination to sit down and read a book, try audiobooks!  You can check them out at the library or download them on your computer or smartphone, and you can even find free recordings of some books online.

I highly recommend Goodreads.com.*  All of the books in the above list are linked to that site, and once you create an account with your Facebook or email address, you can make a list of books you've read in the past, are currently reading, and would like to read in the future; browse titles; set a reading goal for the year; and more.  It might help you feel organized and get motivated.

Enjoy and digest carefully!

*not a sponsor of this site

Getting Back Into a Prayer Routine

Returning home from school comforts and excites many college students.  A room and a bed wait for them, where they will spend the most of their mornings for a good while if they can help it.  They eat food that is familiar and infinitely better than cafeteria food.  A summer job is the only and minor bump in a time that the student is ultimately free to do as he pleases.  Family and old friends gather around to hear funny stories about bad professors, and they go down to the beach or to a water park, or else sunbathe in the front lawn.

But even if the summer break is not quite so pleasant, for most students, summer signals a change in lifestyle and schedule.  Sometimes, the habits one acquired during the semester broke as soon as packing began.  If you're still not back into a spiritual routine, never fear.  There's still time.

1) Accountability.  Look around and see if there's someone who can hold you accountable.  Agree that you'll both go to church or pray at a certain time.  This person doesn't have to be physically present for this to work.  If you pray for each other during this commitment, it'd suck to be the one who skipped.  You don't need a prayer partner, but if you know someone who would be good at it, it will help a bunch.

2) Conflicts.  It's okay if other things get in the way.  If it's an unforeseen problem, don't sweat it.  Maybe say a quick prayer at some point and then continue your commitment the next day.  Try to keep conflicts from throwing you off indefinitely.  If the conflict is going to be regular, reschedule something so you can fit in your commitment somewhere.

3) Personal touch.  Just because it is scheduled, frequent, and regular doesn't mean it has to feel routine and boring.  I read somewhere a suggestion that you should not bring literature to prayer time.  Exhaust your own heart before reading the words from other hearts.  Bring yourself to prayer.  At first this might be hard and awkward.  A journal might help.  Even if you have writer's block, try.  Tell God what has happened since you last prayed and how you feel about it.  But also, remember to praise Him and thank Him.  Praise is not only due Him but it also gives you perspective.

• Pray for someone you care about.  Pray for a conversion, or safety, or success, or peace, or happiness.  Or pray for someone you don't like.  You'll find peace in a prayer for their happiness.

Don't subscribe to a religion or a spirituality with routine prayer?  The closer you want to be with someone, the more time you spend with them.  'Tis a fact.

Swimming (3 Key Elements of a Thriving Long-Distance Relationship)

For the first time in my life, I am somebody's girlfriend.  It took time; but really, the whole thing happened quite fast.  Given my lack of experience and because I usually put 100% into my relationships, I was unwilling to jump into this.  But within a few months of knowing him, there I was – a "girlfriend."

About a month in, it became a long-distance relationship.  Most college relationships become "long-distance" when break roles around, but this is different.  For us, the holidays began a year-long separation.  I went to Europe when school started up again in the Spring, and he will be in Europe when school begins again in the Fall – this is called, I hear, the "Austria year."  It's summer now so I suppose we're about halfway through.

I remember, when I began dating, a friend of mine sent a text message to congratulate me.  The conversation wasn't very memorable, short as it was, but I do remember one thing very clearly – when she found out about our study abroad plans, she warned me that couples don't usually survive the Austria year.  As you may imagine, I ended the conversation pretty quickly after that.  I couldn't help but text my boyfriend to tell him that something was upsetting me.  So we talked on the phone about it for awhile, and we both decided we could make it through the separation.  We wanted to.

Over six months later, the two of us are stronger together than we were before.  With every trip-up and rough night, long day and low grade, we shook and stood.  Each messaging session or Skype conversation, however awkward or one-sided – however imperfect, we grew closer.  A long-distance relationship is tough, but it is so incredibly good.  The distance strips away much of the superficiality and in the darkest moments reveals the moonstone underneath.  If the relationship survives the stripping, it comes out alive and beautiful.  It's hard to explain what I mean.

I'm not saying that a long-distance relationship is not romantic.  My boyfriend arranged to have a vase of flowers, a bar of chocolate, and a bottle of wine waiting for me outside my door one day – just because I'd been having a rough time he said.  We wrote letters – I wrote one nearly every day at first while I was in Europe.  Even now, while we're both in the states, we send each other notes and letters just to say: "I love you."

And that's not something that started with distance.  The first letters were exchanged before we were dating.  We had an awkward (and adorable) beginning (if I may boast).  So many thoughts and concerns were discussed and explained in clumsy but naked detail; and when not face-to-face, our feelings were articulated in ink.

I think those letters stood for an important truth of our relationship: he and I – we – are more than just a fling.  Our relationship was not exactly a sudden leap of faith.  Looking back over our relationship so far, I see myself treading water, praying and trusting in God to teach me to swim.  Everything was handled with delicate care and tender precision.  I wanted to get it right.  We both did.  We each want to be with the other long-term, whatever it takes.

While I was in Europe, communication was difficult.  We could not share play-by-play as we usually would.  When we were both awake and available, we might ask what the other was doing that day, but a text message summary could hardly serve.  Letters were invaluable for this purpose.  We can still share in each others' daily lives – successes, failures, frustrations, and contemplations – if weeks later.  In letters, we could express thoughts or feelings that are hard to articulate aloud, for one reason or another, or in a more elegant and meaningful style than a text message could manage.

Sometimes, before I left for Europe, others would advise me to set a day and time for Skype calls to make sure communication happened regularly.  I confess, I fully intended to set appointments.  But it turns out that two people in love will have no trouble setting time aside to see and hear each other.  And can I admit something to you?  I hate Skype.  I hate it with a passion.  You call a person and then suddenly you're staring at their face.  That's pretty much it.  The comfort and cushion of body language and spatial context is non-existent here.  You have to stare at them the whole time or seem distracted (or be legitimately distracted, as I usually was), which is unnatural.  And is video quality ever good?  And yet even so, I would get to missing his face so much that I loved the invention of video chat.  Even at the beginning, when I still felt loathing for the thing, my boyfriend and I had no trouble picking dates off the calendar as we went.  We wanted so much to know the other and experience the other.

We may not have been the solution to each others' problems every time, but we shared in them anyway.  Any concerns we had or daily problems we faced were discussed, even with the timezone trouble.  We were willing and able to share our vulnerability, but I also had to be mature enough to admit that having a boyfriend did not fix everything.  Sometimes I would get off the phone with him and feel like crying my eyes out because I was so lonely and talking to him hadn't seemed to change anything.  I know nothing I could have said lessened his reading homework or improved his track performance.  We just had to plug on, putting credit where it's due.

If anyone asked me what is getting me through this long distance relationship, I'd say, "He is."  And lots of prayer.  I have plenty of doubts and fears – including why this relationship should be any different from others, how could I know that when he does such-and-such it is not like when so-and-so did such-and-such, and what if it goes too far too fast and everything falls to pieces around me: like other relationships in the past, I won't be able to fix it.  But he stands sufficiently for himself as evidence against my objections, each one.  If I took any one little doubt all by itself, it would be enough.  I could dump him on the basis of that one doubt; but I would have to reduce everything that he is to that one doubt, and the truth is that I just can't.  In his entirety – even when I'm frustrated that he has to cut a call short or I'm feeling tired because he's been having a rough time and it's all we talk about – in his entirety, he sets my heart in awe.  He is truly and deeply a human being, and he shares himself exclusively with me.  We are so close and he is so right for me that I cannot imagine breaking up with him.  I would have to load my heart up on Novocaine.  He is a person.  He is worth waiting for.  He is worth supporting until times get better.

When I'm praying, I often ask God to explain what I don't understand, to show me how to be wisely selfless, and to help me love my boyfriend more than he loves me – just for competition sake.  I think he is probably better at consistently praying about and for us, but nonetheless, prayer helps me to remember the moments when I felt sure and confident, and when I remember why I felt like I did then, I feel it again.  Praying allows me to step into my panic and figure out what is lurking there.  More often than not, I find just a speck of dust that hasn't been addressed yet is all that sits at the source.  But when it is more complicated or more elusive, I pray to thank God for the good, and I pray to ask for clarity, and I make a resolution to take my blessed time judging this fear that has crept up on me.

And then I usually talk to my boyfriend about it.

We both know what we want out of life and the visions are more or less compatible.  In the slower moments, we spend time figuring out the details we each personally want for the future, after college and beyond.  We discover ourselves through each other, and I often find that he's talking about details that I haven't figured out yet.  So we discuss them.  We discuss just about everything.

So really, distance isn't all that hard, because we have:

1. True love, if I may be so bold as to presume that which many scoff.  We each want the best for the other, which means a deep knowledge of the other and deep sacrifice of self for the other.  Each fervently wants to be the cause of the other's happiness.
2. Maturity.  Again, I may seem presumptuous but I will declare it anyway.  We may not always act mature, but we try to be mature about our immaturity.  We recover, we discuss, and we go on.  We admit that there is more to life than the bubble of our love, but nothing is too great to fit inside it.  Our relationship is not showy and we do not share it with others (i.e., drama, gossip; e.g., it is not Internet recognized, except for the occasional picture).  At the same time, it does not isolate us from others.
3. A desire to share.  A desire to communicate.  Trust that enables us to do so.  Compatibility of character, experience, education, and aspirations that bind us together.

This isn't a checklist of elements that can just be inserted into the relationship.  These have to be the relationship.  Certainly a long distance relationship can look different from what I have with my boyfriend; but the longing to be with the other, know the other, and love the other – that must be there.  I see no way around it.  And though I know couples often do without, I cannot begin to imagine how a relationship survives without the common ground of God and the common labor for holiness.  You need that grounding in order to truly be one flesh one day.  No matter what interests you have or varying hobbies, the work toward holiness is never done, is never completed.  It's a task, a goal that eternally unites persons, creating that life-long commitment we covet so deeply.

For a while, we held off dating because I was scared, and I used the inevitable distance as an excuse.  I wouldn't say that my fears were foolish, but I know we made the right decision in the end – it was so worth it.  All the rough spots and the moments of panic were worth it.  People doubted; perhaps especially because this was my first relationship, people doubted.  I can't blame them – I doubted too.  But any lasting relationship should have what it takes to brave the distance, and I think that by some miracle I have found that kind of relationship.  Could a couple know that they'll last when they're just starting out?  I'm not sure we could have.  But we learn it day by day.

Once Upon a Time, I Was Emotionally Manipulated

Once upon a time, I met a girl.  She lived across the hall from me in the dormitory, but she was the kind that has a circle of friends as exciting and outgoing as any drama queen or diva could want.  I did my thing and she did hers and although we had two classes together, we hardly ever spoke.

For sanity's sake and maturity's sake and humility's sake, I won't say too much about her specifically.  One day, we began to study together.  That is – we got together to do the tedious homework together.  Soon, we began hanging out more.  We began going to class together.  Very soon, we were "besties."

Christmas Break came and went and we hardly spoke.  Well, she had a job and a whole, complicated social life waiting for her there.  When we got back to school, we picked up again quickly!  We did live just across the hall after all.  Soon enough, people began asking her where I was if she went somewhere alone.  I laughed when she told me, thinking in the back of my mind that no one ever asked me the flipped question – no matter.

I was still trying to find my identity.  At home, after years and years of trying to find a place I belonged, I had locked myself away inside.  All personality and personal identity were gone.  I was what I could be to people, which almost sounds like what they say is important – the difference you make to people.  Whether that measure is true or not, I tried it.

Once upon a time, I was emotionally manipulated.  I thought I would find myself in devotion to her.  Her stronger and constantly up and running personality sometimes drowned me out or tired my own personality.  I prayed – steeled myself and went on.  My weaknesses caused problems.  My lack of wisdom, strength, love was what separated us.  If I was only better, everything would work out.

She was not the only one who has taken advantage of me, nor was she the only one at that very time.  I carefully work on knots in certain threads so they cannot tear me apart again.  If my own personality and assumptions helped to fuel otherwise harmless people, so be it.  They still had a choice.

Finally, someone began to see me as myself.  I was no longer her shadow.  Those others who had tried a similar task had been haughty – seeing it as some kind of duty to help me as one far wiser and higher above me – or had simply and plainly used me.  Some of them were easier to shrug off than others, depending on how much effort I had expended to save the relationship from the terrible twister we were pulled into.  A few girls made an effort to know and want me as an individual separate from her – and to them I am truly grateful.

Finally, someone began to see me as myself.  He actively sought me and wished to know me.  He saw me, and he saw her.  Distinguishing between us was easy for him.  He knew and trusted me.  He didn't criticize me nor fuel me, and he didn't pretend to be wiser and know all and have the solution – he simply listened and agreed when I was right.  I began to realize that what I felt, thought, wanted was important and even valid.

This is not a love story.  There is a love story, and if I were to tell it, it would begin something like that.  But this is not about the incredible man that found me when I wasn't trying to be found, although he had a profound effect on the ending of this story – with help from the example of other friendships I was developing during this time.

I began to realize that what I felt, thought, and wanted were important and even valid.  If I thought something was senseless, I didn't necessarily have to do it just because I was her friend and she wanted to.  If she wanted to do something, she could as well do it herself as needlessly drag me along.  She did not like this new thought, I would imagine.  Who would, after a long period of having a faithful companion?  I had been with her through very thick and very thin, and I had put up with a lot of low moments, and even been willing to go out of my way to give her companionship when I would have been wiser to refuse her, or to lose faith in friends on her behalf.  But friendship does not necessitate this level of dog-loyalty.

With that, I suppose, and the time I put my foot down and remained friends with an "enemy" (and my increasing interest in someone other than herself), she got a little anxious.  If anyone were to ask me what happened between us that we should go from so close to hardly ever speaking seemingly between semesters, I would tell them that they would have to ask her.  It wouldn't be caginess or an attempt to avoid drama, although drama is greatly to be avoided when possible.  I simply cannot say for sure what finally brought it all to an end.  We tried to discuss it a few times – she told me she didn't like how I was acting and how it made her feel.  I apologized and tried to explain that I was not deliberately trying to hurt her – that I was only looking for a little independence.  I don't think it made much difference – I don't think she really listened.

And then she told me that sometimes friends need distance and so she would give me space.  Because it was always me, my fault.

Once upon a time, I was emotionally manipulated.

It is not fun and it can be severely damaging to your mental health.  Your reality becomes twisted.  You can't disprove her ridiculous claims and you can't prove your righteousness.  You begin to question your own reasoning – maybe he's right.  After all, you can't prove he's not.  Your world now revolves around him and his feelings.

Please read the following article.  Without even realizing it, you may be stuck right now.  Or you may be the manipulator.  The key to not being a manipulator is openness to being wrong, to the possibility that you're hurting someone, and remembering that you do not own the rights to another person – thoughts nor feelings nor presence.  If you seem to be in a relentless fight to maintain a healthy relationship and doubt your position in the relationship constantly (and especially if you feel isolated from other people or your other relationships are failing), something is wrong.

Do not mistake yourself.  If you are friends with an emotional manipulator, do not convince yourself that they will change with love and support and a little prayer.  Sadly, you cannot fix them.  They cannot admit the problem, so there is no healing.  You're better off giving them some space and refusing to let them treat you that way.  And if anything, they are better off too.

But if you have been manipulated, remember that they aren't diabolical.  They are lost.  They are broken.  Even though you can't fix them and you should not put up with their behavior, they deserve your compassion.  One person who manipulated me was by all appearances being manipulated by her mother.  Another person who used me was broken and looking for healing.  Forgive and go on as best you can.

As I read the following article, I remembered instances of all eight of these symptoms.  I think my only criticism of the piece is that it sounds bitter and hates the manipulator a little too wholeheartedly: http://theunboundedspirit.com/8-ways-to-protect-yourself-from-emotional-manipulation/

Morality Clause in Cincinnati Archdiocese

The situation in the Oakland Diocese is a tricky one.  Reports say that the changes to the contract school teachers have to sign stem from the recent lawsuits involving moral violations.  Last year, for example, unmarried teacher Christa Dias used in-vitro fertilization to get pregnant and was then fired.  [More examples of dismissals from Cincinnati.com.]  The new morality clause addresses possible future disputes along the same lines:

The revised contracts forbid teachers from -- among other things -- living together or having sex outside of marriage, using in-vitro fertilization, a gay "lifestyle," or publicly supporting any of those things.

and:

The language reads, "Such conduct or lifestyle that is in contradiction to Catholic doctrine or morals includes, but is not limited to, improper use of social media/communication, public support of or publicly living together outside marriage, public support of or sexual activity out of wedlock, public support of or homosexual lifestyle, public support of or use of abortion, public support of or use of a surrogate mother, public support of or use of in vitro fertilization or artificial insemination, public membership in organizations whose mission and message are incompatible with Catholic doctrine or morals, and/or flagrant deceit or dishonesty."

Many, including teachers who will be expected to sign this contract for the coming year, are outraged and feel that the Church is being intolerant and ignorant.  "Homosexuality," some are crying, "is not a lifestyle!"  Teachers are outraged that, in order to teach, they should have to sign something that would ask them to turn against their LGBT family and friends.  Teachers are not being asked to sever relationships with LGBT family and friends, but some, such as a first-grade teacher Molly Shumate, do not see a distinction.  Shumate's son is gay and, she says, if he finds a partner, she will be in "the front row with the biggest bouquet."  The spokesman for the archdiocese explained that nothing new is expected from the teachers; rather, what is already expected is now clearly spelled out in the contract – there can be no surprises.  Cincinnati.com quoted Rich Leonardi, parent of two children in archdiocese schools: "The Archdiocese is right to be focused on that.  We need to establish some parameters.  Denying or muddying those things leads to scandal. … And given the amount of embarrassment and scandal … I think it's a good idea."

In all the uproar, most who object do not see why a Catholic school should be allowed to fire anyone for these issues.  Some see it as an irrelevant Church driving people away, and others critique that the schools do not require the same standards of their students and their students' families as they are now requiring of their teachers.  Some teachers, such as Shumate, have walked away from their jobs rather than sign the contract, and others will sign for the paycheck but only grudgingly.

But as Leonardi also pointed out, parents send their children to these schools for a Catholic education.  Even non-Catholic families pick these schools because they appreciate the values a Catholic school offers – values that the Church teaches and promotes.  If the faculty and staff speak, aloud or by example, against these values, the school has the obligation to fire them.  As Schumate said, teachers do not work at Catholic schools for the money.  If they are teaching, then, at a Catholic school for the values, they contradict themselves for objecting to the step taken by the diocese to protect those values.

Teachers like Shumate take issue with the "negative" response to homosexuality, but although they have the sympathy of many Catholics and non-Catholics alike, they demonstrate a severe lack of knowledge about Catholic social teaching.  Roger Rosen, a French and Latin teacher, shows concern for LGBT students: "How do I look at a gay student in the eye and tell him he's just as important as everybody else but I'm not allowed to support him as much as I would like? How does that make him feel?"  The Church does not claim that homosexuality is a "lifestyle choice" and does support homosexuals – and many have likewise been pointing to Pope Francis and asking the archdiocese, "What would Pope Francis do?"  However, the Popes (and yes, Pope Francis as well) continue to uphold that engaging in homosexual actions is immoral [for Biblical agreement, see 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 and 1 Timothy 1:8-10].  When the diocese requires its teachers to not support a homosexual lifestyle, this is not the Church saying that homosexuals should be left alone and ignored or despised; but rather, that teachers must instruct their students in Catholic teaching (which they should themselves understand or else direct their students to someone who does) and they should love all equally and without judgment, but they should not encourage or give approval to a homosexual lifestyle (as explained at length by the Church).

Shumate's problem with the new contract is ultimately that she either does not fully know the teachings of the Church or she refuses them, in which case she is not actually Catholic.  She is obligated to support and love her son, but she is also obligated to advise him not to marry another man.  The teaching may be a hard pill to swallow but a more in-depth study of the Church's position may help to remove the sting.

These schools require their teachers to adhere to Church teaching but do not reject students based on the student's or the student's family's beliefs or background – easily excused.  Students come to the school to be instructed, and in addition, are not responsible for the choices of their parents, siblings, or extended family.  And the Church encourages anyone, regardless, to learn about the Church and the values it upholds.  Teachers are hired at Catholic schools to teach and instruct the students in these values.  If they fail to do so, the school may dismiss them.  Anyone that teaches by word or deed that extramarital sex or in-vitro fertilization is perfectly acceptable clearly does not fulfill the needs of a Catholic school.  There are secular schools for teachers to teach at and many Catholic teachers who are looking for openings.  I would advise recently graduated education majors from Franciscan University of Steubenville to stick around Ohio for a while.

May a Catholic school fire teachers over immorality, even though it is politically taboo?  The objective of a Catholic school would seem to give them this prerogative.  Renee, a commenter on the article on Cincinnati's WLWT website, said: "If the catholic schools were solely funded by private dollars, I'd have no problem with this morality clause. Since, however, some of the catholic schools in the area continue to exist solely because of tax payer funds (i.e. voucher system), I question the legality of the morality clause."  She amended later:

"I didn't say the schools are run solely based on the voucher system. I said, some of the schools exist (i.e. are able to continue to keep their doors open) solely because of the voucher system.

 "Approximately 70% of the students attending one of the eight catholic inner city schools are doing so on a voucher. For one of the schools, I know for certain that it's more than 80%. While the schools aren't run "solely" based on the voucher system, they sure as heck wouldn't all still be open without voucher funds."

According to Renee, since Catholic schools are dependent on money that the government gives children to go to school, a Catholic school should be politically correct.  She is probably correct that many Catholic schools would close if families could no longer afford to send their children to the school of their choice; however, the Catholic school is not via the voucher system directly funded by the government.  The government gives the money to a family, not to the school.  It is indeed a private institution.  If the families choose to send their children to a Catholic school, the government is not dishing out money to a Catholic school.  A lot of money comes from the government and ends up somewhere else – but the somewhere else is not consequentially a government funded organization.

The Human Rights Campaign has sent a letter to the Vatican and hope for an audience with Pope Francis, and their billboards ask, "Would Pope Francis Sign the New Catholic Teacher Contract?"  Although Pope Francis has stunned the world with his "revolutionary" acceptance of homosexuals, Pope Francis also knows the need for a solid Catholic education, and praises it's importance today:

Again and again, the Church has acted as a mediator in find­ing solutions to problems affecting peace, social harmony, the land, the defence of life, human and civil rights, and so forth. And how much good has been done by Catholic schools and uni­versities around the world! This is a good thing. Yet, we find it difficult to make people see that when we raise other questions less palatable to public opinion, we are doing so out of fidelity to precisely the same convictions about human dignity and the common good. 

Francis, like his predecessors, would most likely acknowledge the need for an authentic Catholic education, and stand behind the duty that Catholic schools have to offer this education.  He would also, no doubt, encourage dialogue, and he may even try to clear up misunderstanding about the Church's teaching on education and homosexuality and so on.  Shumate said, "He's the one I would want some guidance from;" but most likely she expects to him to say what she wants to hear and would not be guided by his "guidance" if it contradicted her decision; for, after all, by walking away from her job and supporting her son's possible future gay marriage, she knows "in her heart" she is doing the right thing.

Sources and further reading:

– Quoted from in this article:

• CNN
• WLWT
• Cincinnati.com

Huffington Post

NBC

The Raw Story

Advocate.com

The Cardinal Newman Society

The Catholic World Support

Catholic News Service

Recent progress:

SFGate