Sherlock and Sociopathic Behavior

Lately, something has been on my mind a lot.  Sociopaths.  Gosh, Sherlock makes it look like so much fun.  I mean, if you watch closely, you notice that John Watson often wants to give it but good to Sherlock, but mostly we laugh and find the highly functioning sociopath highly amusing.

Fortunately for John, Sherlock shows hints of redeeming qualities – occasional compassion and willingness to go to great lengths for his friends.  But if you are caught in a relationship with a sociopath, you might find it a lot less endearing.  You might find it terribly dismantling.

Common traits of a sociopath include:

• Superficial charm.  Did he seem almost too nice to be true?  A sociopath may seem like a very friendly and outgoing person, nothing to be afraid of unless you're an introvert.
• Isolation and manipulation.  The more she feels that you two are close, the more you will lose the ability to do what you want.  And if they're especially good at being a sociopath, you won't even really notice.  They'll say just exactly what needs to be said and hit you where you are most likely to be persuaded.  You may not be able to talk about it with others because no one else will see what you're experiencing.
• Self-centeredness.  They want something.  They have a right to have it.
• Lying.  You won't notice this at first because you know they are lies.  Listen closely.  Stories of their past may not quite add up or may even conflict, and their friends may have an interesting combination of faults.  They may not have a realistic image of themselves and instead cast their faults onto their "friends."
• Lack of guilt.  They will rarely admit to being wrong.  If they were foolish here and there, it's because of something else.  He will say it's because you were acting a certain way or because she dressed a certain way.
• Shallow emotions.  You tell her your sob story and she seem invested and very supportive.  She may tell you to see a counselor and have all kind of comforting phrases, but it's based on "her own experiences" and it usually lacks the tenderness and tack the situation calls for.  Preaching over sincerity.
• Drama queen.  Whether he's playing telephone or just making a big deal out of picking a movie or jumping into a group and forcing them to do what he wants, he lives off of stimulation and excitement.  Something is boring?  Bring a friend to study time and make them watch tons of crass YouTube videos instead.
• Promiscuity and infidelity.  She may be glamorous to the point of tackiness, or hooks up with boys a lot, even if she sternly warns her friends against such men.  She never seems to learn her lesson.

A major concern for a Christian or Catholic community is that the other members will not see him/her as impenetrable, but rather an opportunity to grow in holiness and help a fellow struggling soul.  You have to be careful that you don't give up on everyone with a few flaws, but in my experience, if he seems terribly concerned about you but tells you way more about himself than he knows about you, watch out.  If she is really sweet and heartbroken after a terrible lesson she had to learn, and then goes back to her old ways with the next breath, back away slowly in as inconspicuous a way as possible.  No matter what you do, a sociopath is likely to spread bad news about you, but you've got to get out.  Sociopaths will manipulate you without a conscience.

Did you wonder, Did you worry?

Robin Williams' death – his suicide – did it rock you?  I'm guessing that it did.  We've been obsessively pulling out videos and stories about him ever since.  Suicide is a big deal.  I hope it rocked you.

His distinctive voice charmed the nation for years and many consider him a comedic genius.  Personality poured out of him with a fluidity unbridled by creative mental strain, some say.  To me, he seemed a person, an approachable person – somebody who was just a somebody.  Since his death, so many journalists, bloggers, commentators, and random people – all who didn't know him – have tried to interpret his life and understand his suicide.

The truth, of course, is that we can never understand.  The biological factors, the psychological factors, the personal experience never tell us how a great man can take his life.  Why wasn't he afraid to end it all?  Did he think he was helping his loved ones?  Did he see the inevitable pain those who knew him would carry for the rest of their own lives?  Was his own pain too great to spare them?

In Orthodoxy, G. K. Chesterton said, "The man who kills himself kills all men.  As far as he is concerned, he wipes out the world."

"Today," says Russell Brand, "Robin Williams is part of the sad narrative that we used to turn to him to disrupt."

Josh Gracin threatened suicide not long after Robin Williams' death.  I'm glad to see that he's, apparently, back in the sing of things.

I read somewhere that depression and the numbers of suicides have experienced spikes in recent decades.  Songs have been written about it.  Books have been published to help loved ones cope.  When I type "suicidal" into Google, it provides a helpline.

But many still misunderstand depression and suicide.

Some called Williams free.  Some wrote long statuses on Facebook about what he meant to them.  Others wrote posts that went viral.  Some felt a twinge of discomfort and compassion, even fear.  Sometimes the right message was said the wrong way.  Sometimes the wrong thing was said the right way.

So here's my question.  Did you wonder?  Did you worry?

I did.

My own experiences with depression have left me sensitive to the possible, hidden experiences of my siblings.  Some of my friends have told me about their struggles.  What if?  What if my best friend decided to end it all?  What if someone decided he was only weighing me down?  What if he thought it wasn't worth it?

If you didn't worry, you should have.  Not everyone is brave enough to admit they need help.

I haven't blogged about this until now because I felt that I could not say anything that hadn't already been said.  And if I say anything at all, I want it to be thoughtful.

But finally, I wonder how many people really understand; and that ignorance drives me to write.

I suffered for years on my own, sure that my pain was my fault.  Why couldn't I just get over it?  Why couldn't I just be happy?  Did I not love everyone?  Was I selfish?

My faith was a crutch.  Crutch – so often a negative meaning.  My faith was my broken leg and my crutch.  I thought I was a terrible sinner for feeling so wretched – that I had no joy because I was not holy enough.  If only I loved God more….  If only I loved my neighbor more….

I'm sure many people have recovered from their depression and thrown out their religion, scoffing at it for putting them down.  Actually, my Catholic religion does not blame me for depression, although I didn't know that at the time; and even though it (mistakenly) tore at me, my faith was what kept me going.  I never refused to get out of bed and I didn't coop myself up in a corner of my room.  I did walk around in a despondent state, rarely if ever looking anyone in the eye, giving short and to the point answers, dreading and loathing small talk, hating compliments.  "My hair may be pretty but that doesn't make it better.  I may be a good dancer, but that isn't helping me.  Don't tell my father I'm mature – you don't know me."

My inner faith, mistakenly telling me that I was at fault for how I felt, told me that if I just kept trying and was the best that I could be, everything would get better.  I felt moments of joy and happiness, but as I continued to agree to everything that was asked of me and volunteered silently to do still more, my overall mood was not improving.

I felt happiest when I was making a little boy smile.  I've known him since he was born and we're very close.  His family spent a lot of time at my house and I spent most of that time with him.  I was their babysitter, and I would hold him and hold him until his crying stopped and he fell asleep in my arms.  And I felt content and happy in those moments.

But when I wasn't at peace, I asked myself, "Why don't you kill yourself?"  I thought about it more than once.  But I'd say not more than four times.  The answer I always had for myself was, "What difference would it make?"  No one would care.  No one would know the difference.  They might cry, but they'd soon go on with their lives and not remember.  I felt convinced that I improved the lives of those around me, even though I noticed that they managed to instinctively fill in the gaps when I was out of the house.  But I felt, unseen by all, I was doing something for them, even if they didn't care.  And that gave me a sense of purpose.  And I think it kept me going.

I was also terrified of suicide.  One of the symptoms of my depression was always thinking of the in-depth, personal details.  I was afraid of pain, and of panic like I experienced in panic attacks, and of changing my mind at the last moment when it would be already too late.  I decided that if I were to kill myself, I'd have to use a gun.  We had one in the house somewhere – I had seen the locked safe just once.  But even if I could have found it and unlocked it, I wouldn't have known how to use it.

And already striving so hard to please God, I wouldn't want to make all that for nothing.

I would say that, at the time, I was never so defeated that I was genuinely suicidal.  The question held a touch of humor for me.  It was too serious a thought to be taken seriously.

But… I don't know how I was spared seriously considering it.  No one was there to help me through.  And I don't know that anyone could have helped me.  I didn't want help.

Sometimes I still have episodes of depression – much shorter episodes, thank God.  And recently, I experienced such a deep exasperation that I momentarily did give up on life and suicide became real.  And even knowing everything I do about depression, I still would rather keep it to myself.

It makes you think doesn't it?

Sometimes people talk about suicide as though "if only someone had realized and gotten them help!"  Sometimes that's not enough.  Because suicide is not a question of cure.  You can catch an injury before it turns into a bad case of gangrene.  You can prescribe treatment to a medical issue and heal the body.  You can diagnose depression and try to correct it – but depression is tricky.  It's too complicated for even someone who has experienced it to explain.

And suicide – it's not a disease.  It's a choice.  It's a choice to reject life.

Sometimes depression doesn't go away.  And despite all the efforts of anyone – no matter how qualified – sometimes depression seems inevitable, incurable, and indomitable.  It can lead to a new level of despair that few people know exists.  That despair is what drives some people to the precipice of suicide.  Even if the best help is available to them, some people still choose suicide.

That's the very bitter reality.

It's a sin against life.  It's a sin against hope.  It's a sin against all mankind.  How dare you tell us it's not worth it.  How dare you leave us such a legacy.

How dare you….

How could you leave us alone?

The more I thought about Robin William's death, the more I was grateful for life.  I looked around me and I said, "What if I lost any of these people?"  Even my enemies – would I be able to handle the news?  I was a thorn in their side – or at the very least, I did very nearly nothing to make their lives more worth while.  That would almost be worse than losing a friend.  But if I lost a friend – his or her memory would be like playing catch with a rose bush, unresolved questions of guilt coming in stitches.  And there's the possibility that I could have taken my own life and all those people would have been ripped from me.  By my own choice.

We need to start paying attention.  Depression is a mental illness and as such, a person doesn't have much control over it.  Sometimes drugs help, balancing the chemicals in the brain.  Sometimes therapy helps.  And yet part of me believes that there's got to be something so simple, so fundamental and we're missing it – whether it's a loss of place and identity, or the loss of a deeper meaning, or just a crueler world….  There's got to be a factor, perhaps unmeasurable by science, that speaks to the human person that would cure case upon case of depression.

Perhaps it's just my own lucky experience with depression, but I feel like the solution must be right under our nose.

Because suicide must not happen.  It's the last breath of hope disappearing from the world.

What You Probably Haven't Thought About: Homosexuality

Please read this article from CNS: http://ow.ly/AMGEb

I know this is a touchy subject and most Americans think exactly what I don't, even if we're on the same side about same-sex marriage.

Here's the thing: I'm not homosexual.  Whatever feelings I have felt over the course of time, I have never labeled myself homosexual.  I can't report on the feelings and experiences of those who do claim to be homosexual and I don't mean to try.  But please don't label me homophobic just because I don't think they should get married or make out.  Being attracted to the same sex is not culpable in so far as it is not intentional.  If indeed people are "born this way," of course it is not their fault.  If it's developed later in life, it still isn't their fault necessarily, because it's not a choice.

But mental disorders can also be from birth or be developed later in life.  And homosexuality, like mental disorders, is contrary to how the human being should be.

That's hard to digest, I know.  Autistic children are still children, they are still of God, they are still persons.  God is calling them, despite and because of autism, to something special.  But autism isn't how it's supposed to be.  We strive for a cure for autism, or cleft palate, or conjoined twins, and we celebrate when breakthroughs are made.  Being born a certain way doesn't mean that you're stuck that way.

I know.  If only laws and society would allow gays to function as they wish, homosexuality wouldn't interfere with life and couldn't possibly be considered a disorder, blah, blah, blah.

Procreation is supposed to lead to reproduction – which you'll see is important.  And some scientific findings, which are for some reason on the DL, have supported my convictions about sexual ambiguity.

Look at your body.  Whether it's homosexuality or transvestism, the mind simply does not agree with reality.  Science is evolving, I realize.  As you may have guessed, I disagree with some of the new methods.  But look at the anatomy.  Men are made to be men and procreate with women; women are made to be women and procreate with men.  So what's wrong here: the body or the mind?

Scientific advancements can now solve the challenges that homosexuals and transvestites face but in many cases, apparently, transvestite patients did not find mental peace through this procedure; and "on-demand" progeny are separated from their biological fathers and mothers – which can happen anyway but it's not the ideal, and it's not the sort of act you normally associate with love.

And again, why are we trying to change the body instead of the mind?  Perhaps all you need is a broader understanding and acceptance of femininity or masculinity.

What's more, young children are encouraged to experiment, to consider both sides of the coin.  They don't even know there is a coin before puberty!  What they know is social pressure and embarrassment.  A friend of mine in psychology recently pointed out to me, "At puberty, a lot of kids have questions and doubts.  They get teased by their peers, whereas the gay community is very accepting [by necessity] and so many young people associate themselves with the gay community and think that they are gay because they found acceptance there.  And if they seek counseling, they're going to be encouraged to accept their homosexual feelings, even if those feelings don't really exist in the individual's case."

If you had lost your leg and I commanded you to follow me into the next room, I'd be a horrible tease to expect you to follow my orders.  A person in the midst of a panic attack can't just calm down.

So if you're a man and I forced you to marry a woman even though you were attracted to men, I'd be committing a horrible injustice on both you and your wife.  But I'm not saying that.  I'm saying, your mental reality doesn't correspond with the physical.  Why are we trusting the mental one?  And studies have shown that homosexuality is treatable.

Show me proof that homosexuality is so deeply ingrained in the person that it is who they are, not just something that's going on in the brain.

That's only one shot of homosexuality.  Ethics, morality, and the Catholic Church have other positions from which homosexuality must be considered, for good or ill, but I didn't consider them here.

What You May Already Know: Modesty

[Prerequisite for this article: general Christian principles and belief in the Bible]

Among Christians, the hot topic is modesty.  Many denominations, Christians, and even Catholics have presumed to issue rubrics for girls – "What to Wear, What Not to Wear."  "It's okay to show ankles now, we're sure we don't need to tell you, but… this other area of your body is not appropriate.  Thus sayeth us."

Biblical modesty is a little confusing.  I've yet to find a verse that says, "A glimpse of stocking is something shocking!"  But it does say, "likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire…."  Even with that "clearly spelled out" in the New Testament, it's not like Christians never wear gold or pearls, nor do up their hair.  Truth is that Paul was making a point in that passage, which was not, "Wear frumpy clothing."  Truth is that the Bible is just not specific about what we're allowed to do with clothing.

Out of curiosity, google "Bible verses about modesty."  You may already be familiar with OpenBible.info – it often comes up when you're looking for verses.  Skimming through the results for "modesty," several verses don't seem to apply.  Ah, but the key to modesty actually lies in those very verses.  Because modesty is not what they say….

Modesty is not covering yourself up.  Modesty is not leaving something to the imagination.  Modesty is not guarding the hearts, eyes, and minds of the opposite sex.  Modesty is not last year's fashions.  Modest is not hottest.

Modesty is honesty – in a way.  Or so Marc from "Bad Catholic" says.  I mean, at least it actually rhymes and makes sense, so give him credit for that, anyway.  I think I do understand his point, even though at times it was hard for me to grasp how he was able to condense modesty down to honesty – but it probably wasn't his objective to condense it down, so anyway….  (He does a great job exploring the topic, I think.  Check it out.)

Here is what I've learned to associate with modesty: dressing to reveal yourself.  I guess that does sound like honesty, doesn't it?  Dressing to reveal who you are as a person.  What this doesn't mean is just, "I'm a human being and I have a body!  Deal with it!  Let's all go nudist!"  But I'm also aiming at not telling you what you must or must not wear, what you can or cannot show.  I think you already know.

Young girls usually have a good sense of modesty (or shyness, if you like), indicating that modesty is probably something natural, and not ingrained in us.  If it was ingrained, women would be more inclined to be modest than children.  But even adult women can probably tell me what is modest and what is not, simply by having a general idea of society and fashion.  Very few people will actually believe that it is good or even okay to be a slut.  So dressing like a slut?  How is anyone supposed to tell the difference?  Dressing like a slut means saying that you're a slut.  And while everyone else has a duty to not treat you as a slut, you have a duty to not be a slut, think like a slut, or dress like a slut.  Just as an example.

When you dress, what are you revealing about yourself?  If what you're revealing is a lot of skin (by today's standards anyway) or undergarments, you're saying something about yourself that isn't true.  (Hopefully you know that it isn't true, but that's a pep talk for another time.)  Certain styles could also be considered immodest, maybe only because of the circumstances.  What do you want to tell people about yourself?  What's the impression you want to make?

The rest of that line from 1 Timothy says, "but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works."

"Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works."

But here are a few more relevant verses:

"Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”"  –– Expand your understanding of the definition of modesty:

"Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven."

Modesty is honest, it is humble, it is respectful.  And in that way, modesty includes an element of not tempting others.  There's a small but growing group of Christian people saying that what happens on the boy's end is not the responsibility of the girl.  For example, they rail against, "Ladies, don't wear bikinis because it leads guys to sin."  They are quite right in hating the prevailing notion that guys can't help what they think or do.  If all the women around them are scantily clad, men will not necessarily disrespect these women.  Men can and should control their thoughts and actions.  But don't leave it at that.  

The Bible still says, "Woe to the world for temptations to sin! For it is necessary that temptations come, but woe to the one by whom the temptation comes!"  Whether bikinis are modest or not is, as far as I can see, arguable on both sides; and if a girl does wear a bikini, any man that lusts after her is accountable for his own soul.

BUT.

Ladies, you still need to take into consideration that you may be a temptation.  You by no means need to go to extraordinary means or defy modern fashion in order to save men.  A modest woman can still be the object of lust.  But dress thoughtfully.  If you are a temptation because you're lazy, don't care, or want to look sexy, that reflects on you and you will be held accountable.  You know what excessive cleavage says about you.  You know super short skirts are ultimately embarrassing.  Dress like you demand respect, not like you're looking for a flirt.  There is a difference.

Basically, if you say to yourself, "Ooh yeah, that looks sexy," you'll know you need to throw on a cardigan or something.  Men, if you're dressed, your clothes should be on and properly secured.  You know you know what I'm talking about.

OpenBible.info – verses on modesty

1 Timothy 2:9-10

1 Peter 5:5

Matthew 6:1

Matthew 18:7